Old and New Jokes

From the 1/26/96 editorial page of the Manchester Union Leader,
with credits to the Western Journalism Center:

In the New Mexico Legislatures 1995 session, Sen.
Duncan Scott, a Republican from Albuquerque, proposed an amendment
to a psychologist regulatory bill offered by another senator.
The Scott amendment would have dramatically changed the face
of New Mexicos legal system:

The amendment said: When a psychologist or psychiatrist testifies
during a defendants competentcy hearing, the psychologist or
psychiatrist shall wear a cone-shaped hat that is not less than
two feet tall. The surface of the hat shall be imprinted
with stars and lightning bolts.

Additionally, a psychologist or psychiatrist shall be required
to don a white beard that is not less than 18 inches in length,
and shall punctuate crucial elements of his testimony by
stabbing the air with a wand. Whenever a psychologist or
psychiatrist provides expert testimony regarding a defendants
competentcy, the baliff shall contemporaneously dim the
courtroom lights and administer two strikes to a Chinese gong.

The bill, with the wizard amendment, passed the Senate by
voice vote and cleared the House 46-14. Unfortunately,
Gov. Gary Johnson vetoed the legislation.

[Note – reprinted by permission of the Manchester Union Leader and the
Western Journalism Center. My thanks to them and to Dave Bakken
for obtaining permission – ed]

WHATDOYOUMEANITALKSOFAST?

Poland sent its top team of scientists to attend the international science convention, where all the countries of the world gathered to compare their scientific achievements and plans.

The scientists listened to the United States describe how they were another step closer to a cure for cancer, and the Russians were preparing a space ship to go to Saturn, and Germany was inventing a car that runs on water. Soon, it was the Polish scientists turn to speak.

Well, we are preparing a space ship to fly to the sun.

This, of course was met with much ridicule.

They were asked how they planned to deal with the suns extreme heat.

Simple, were going at night!

Thoughts from a school teacher:

1. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in his shoes. That way, when you criticize him, you are a mile away and you have his shoes.

2. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk I have a work station…

3. I believe five out of four people have trouble with fractions.

4. If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, Quit while youre ahead?

5. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

6. What hair color do they put on the drivers licenses of bald men?

7. I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.

8. I have found at my age, going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of my face.

9. I was thinking about how people read the Bible a whole lot more when they get older. Then it dawned on me they were cramming for their finals.

10. Employment application blanks always ask who is to be notified in case of emergency. I think you should put A very good doctor.

Q:
What is the difference between a hungry man and a glutton?
A: One longs to eat and the other eats too long.

It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living.

Just remember…if the world didnt suck, wed all fall off.

We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.

The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, theres a 90% probability youll get it wrong.

It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.

Laughing stock – cattle with a sense of humor.

You cant have everything, where would you put it?

Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the worlds population.

If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

Eat right. Stay fit. Die anyway.

The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat drinking beer all day.

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.

Just remember, if you ever have to go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people that werent smart enough to get out of jury duty!

On a store front in Florida: Your one stop shop! Beer ammo and liquor. Drive through open 24 hours!

A speed limit sign on Long Beach Island, New Jersey: Smile, Youre on Radar!

Seen in a State Park in California: Weather Station (A large sign with a Rock hanging on a rope) Check the Rock. If its wet, its raining. If its moving, its windy. If you cant see it, its foggy. If rock is gone, its a tornado.

Sign in a Laundromat AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT

Sign in a London department store: BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

One guy asks the other, Hey, have you ever gone to bed with an ugly woman?

The second guy says, No, but Ive woken up with plenty.

One day a man has a terrible stomach complaint and goes along to see his doctor. The doctor tells him that he is very ill, but that he can cure his condition with a course of suppositories inserted deep into his rectum every 6 hours.



Right says the doctor, bend over and Ill do the first one for you. The man bends down and the doctor deposited the suppository. He then gives the man his course and sends him home.



At home 6 hours later the man realises that he cant stick the supposiory far enough up, by himself, so he asks his wife to help him insert the slippery bullet. After explaining to her what to do, the man bends over. His wife puts one hand on her husbands shoulder to brace herself and thrusts really hard. To her horror the man lets out a blood curdling scream.



My God she cries. Whats the matter? Did I hurt you?



No replies the man. But I have just realised that when the doctor did it, he had both hands on my shoulders.

If youre always right, somethings wrong.