A Wisconsinite, a Minnesotan, and an Iowan were walking along the beach, when they spotted an old lamp half buried in the sand.
The Iowan bent over and picked it up, and began to rub the sand off of it.
As he did so, a genie popped out of the lamp, and said Ill give you three wishes, one for each of you.
The Iowan said, I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Iowa.
With a blink of the Genies eye, FOOM the land in Iowa was forever made fertile for farming.
The Wisconsinite was amazed, so he said, I want a wall around Wisconsin, so that no one can come into our precious state.
Again, with a blink of the genies eye, POOF, there was a huge wall around Wisconsin.
The Minnesotan says, Im very curious. Please tell me more about this wall.
The Genie explains, Well, its about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick, and nothing can get in or out.
The Minnesotan says, Fill it up with water.
Did you hear about the guy who finally figured out women?
He died laughing before he could tell anybody.
Noahs Ark…If it happened in 2000
And the Lord spoke to Noah and said In six months Im going to make it rain until the whole earth is covered with water and all the evil people are destroyed.
But I want to save a few good people, and two of every kind of living thing on the planet. I am commanding you to build an Ark. And in a flash of lightning, He delivered the specifications for an Ark, Okay, said Noah, trembling with fear and fumbling with the blueprints.
Six months and it starts to rain, thundered the Lord. Youd better have the Ark completed, or learn to swim for a very long time. Six months passed, the skies clouded up and rain began to fall. The Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his front yard, weeping. And there was no Ark. Noah! shouted the Lord, where is the Ark?
Lord, please forgive me! begged Noah. I did my best. But there were big problems. First, I had to get a building permit for the Ark construction project, and your plans didnt meet code. I had to hire an engineer to redraw the plans. Then I got into a big fight over whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system.
Then my neighbor objected, claiming I was violating zoning by building the Ark in my front yard, I had to get a variance from the city planning commission. Then I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark, because there was a ban on cutting trees to save the spotted owl. I had to convince the U.S. Fish and Wildlife that I needed the wood to save the owls. But they wouldnt let me catch any owls. So, no owls.
The carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Relations Board before anyone would pick up a saw or hammer. Now we have sixteen carpenters going on the boat, and still no owls. Then I started gathering up animals, and got sued by an animal rights group. They objected to me taking only two of each kind. Just when I got the suit dismissed, EPA notified me that I couldnt complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood.
They didnt take kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of a Supreme Being. Then the Army Corps of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed new flood plain. So I sent them a globe. Right now, Im still trying to resolve a complaint from the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission over how many Croations Im supposed to hire.
The IRS has seized all my assets, claiming Im trying to avoid paying taxes by leaving the country. And I just got a notice from the state about owing them some kind of use tax. I really dont think I can finish the Ark for at least another five years, Noah wailed.
The sky began to clear. The sun began to shine. A rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up and smiled, You mean youre not going to destroy the earth? Noah asked hopefully.
No, said the Lord sadly. The government already has!
What do you call someone in the White House who is honest, ethical, intellectual, law abiding, and truthful? A tourist.
Some examples of why the human race has probably evolved as far as possible. These are actual instruction labels on consumer goods…On Sears hairdryer:
Do not use while sleeping.
(Gee, thats the only time I have to work on my hair!)On a bag of Fritos:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
(The shoplifter special!)On a bar of Dial soap:
Directions: Use like regular soap.
(and that would be how?)On some Swann frozen dinners:
Serving suggestion: Defrost.
(But its just a suggestion!)On Tescos Tiramisu dessert: (printed on bottom of the box)
Do not turn upside down.
(Too late! you lose!)On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
Product will be hot after heating.
(Are you sure? Lets experiment.)On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
Do not iron clothes on body.
(But wouldnt that save more time?)
(Whose body?)On Boots Childrens cough medicine:
Do not drive car or operate machinery.
(We could do a lot to reduce the construction accidents if we just kept those 5 year olds off those fork lifts.)On Nytol sleep aid:
Warning: may cause drowsiness.
(One would hope!)On a Korean kitchen knife:
Warning: keep out of children.
(hmm…something must have gotten lost in the translation…)On a string of Christmas lights:
For indoor or outdoor use only.
(As opposed to use in outer space.)On a food processor:
Not to be used for the other use.
(Now Im curious.)On Sainsburys peanuts:
Warning: contains nuts.
(but no peas?)On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
(somebody got paid big bucks to write this one…)On a Swedish chainsaw:
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.
(Raise your hand if youve tried this…)On a childs Superman costume:
Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.
(Oh go ahead! Thats right, destroy a universal childhood belief.)
If you believe the people that believe in reincarnation,
life sucks, then you die. Then life sucks again.
The other morning I woke up and quickly noticed that I had no feeling
in my left hand. Have you ever had that happen where you sleep on it
wrong? Any way, I tried to move the fingers, and nothing happened. I
reached over with my right hand and gave the skin on my left hand a
little pinch. I couldnt feel a thing! Now I was starting to
worry…
I reached over to the night stand and picked up a pin. I gave my left
hand a sharp jab to see if Id feel it. At that moment, my wife let
out a scream! Thank goodness my hand was OK!
Credits:
Comic on Carson 2-Jan-91
Q: How many armies does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: At least five. The Germans to start it, the French to give up really easily after only trying for a little while, the Italians to make a start, get nowhere, and then try again from the other side, the Americans to turn up late and finish it off and take all the credit, and the Swiss to pretend nothing out of the ordinary is happening.
En el salón de clases de Pepito, un dÃa la maestra les dijo:
Si se portan bien y aprenden la lección, mañana vengo con minifalda.
Al dia siguiente la maestra iba en minifalda, y esta vez les dijo:
Si se portan bien y aprenden la lección, mañana vengo cubierta solamente con hojas de árbol.
Lo cumplió y al dÃa siguiente iba vestida sólo con hojitas. Llegó la hora del recreo y Pepito era el único que seguÃa en el salon. Entonces la maestra le preguntó:
Pepito ¿por qué no saliste?
Y él respondió:
Porque como hoy comienza el otoño, estoy esperando a que las hojas se caigan…
You might be a redneck if…
The taillight covers of your car are made of tape.