Old and New Jokes

Your cat waits and meows at the front door when you arrive. Is it saying?

a. Welcome home, I missed you.
b. The phone rang twice while you were out.
c. Feed me, *NOW*.
d. So, I see you didnt bring me the mate I asked for. Your pillow is history.

Your cat meows at the door when you go out. Is it saying?

a. Please dont leave me here all alone.
b. Have a nice day.
c. But what if I get hungry while you out?
d. Kiss that new vase goodbye.

Your cat digs its claws in your leg. This is?

a. A sign of affection.
b. A demand to be fed now.
c. Have YOU had YOUR shots?
d. An attempt to fix you like you fixed him.

Your cat scratches at the door after being fed. Is it saying?

a. Lemme out – I need to fertilize the garden.
b. Wanna go out and play?
c. Wonder what theyve got to eat next door?
d. Do I mark my territory outside, or inside?

When your cat stares at you, it means:

a. It is bored silly.
b. Its trying to understand how its food grows in cans.
c. You are being sized-up for an attack.
d. Human mating habits are disgusting.

Your cat brings a dead mouse/bird into the house. This means:

a. A primal instinct is being displayed.
b. Youre not feeding me enough.
c. It is showing a sign of affection by sharing.
d. It is demonstrating the fact that it knows how to kill; be warned.
e. All of the above.

Your cat displays signs it wants to mate with other cats in the neighborhood. You should:

a. Let it out immediately.
b. Try to switch its interests to other things.
c. Put on heavy protective clothing if you are not planning to let it out.
d. If the other cats owner is attractive, maybe you could double.

Your cat sleeps with you; covering your face. This means:

a. It is showing you great affection.
b. It knows you are allergic to cats.
c. It has discovered the fine art of suffocation.
d. You should have let it out tonight.

Top 50 Worst Reasons to pull an all-nighter

by Jeremy Shaggy Toeman (jt3h+@andrew.cmu.edu)

NOTE: an all-nighter means missing one nights worth of sleep.

Heated Less-filling Tastes great debate.
Need to figure out which way is east. Wait for sunrise.
Watching Professional Wrestling.
Writing script to Problem Child 3 in an attempt to put to rest all
the unanswered questions from 1 and 2.
Cramming for a test you have the following week.
Waiting for friend to call back with answer to How do you keep an
idiot up all night?
Anything involving latin, Taylors series, or heat transfer.
Attempting to discover how many licks it takes to get to the center
of a Tootsie Pop.
Slightly confused on that whole 5 oclock shadow thing.
Listening to every CD you own using that cool intro feature that
comes in SO handy with every CD player available.
John Wayne-a-thon on channel 2.
Trying to figure out all the words to that Nirvana song.
UCBTalking to anyone you wont ever spend intimate time with. Same
goes for IRC and Broadcast.
Watering plants. Dead plants. Rocks. Dirt. The cat.
Trying to draw a perfect circle freehand, with crayons.
Singing along with Achy Breaky Heart over and over again. What
catchy lyrics that song has, eh?
Second-guessing your clock. (Also works well with Traffic Lights, and
simply anything that blinks on and off forever)
Driving to every 7-11 (or Circle K) in town, just to check that they
are being faithful to their Open 24 Hours policies.
Tring to figure out just why Wil Wheaton is a star.
Pricking yourself with a pin every 5 minutes, just for the heck of
it.
Reading all the articles in your entire Playboy collection to see how
relevant they are to todays economy.
Spinning round and round in circles until you get so dizzy you hurl.
Repeat in opposite direction. Figure out which way makes you blow
chunks faster. Try to keep spinning while heaving.
Coming up with as many colorful euphemisms for the term vomit as
possible. (e.g. spew, yak, ralph, etc…)
Thinking about ways the world would be different if there was no
cement.
Spelunking. In your basement.
Price shopping for beef jerky at any 24-hour supermarkets.
Thinking about that 14-year old brat who sent in $1000 to Clinton,
when you splurge on a Whopper Combo.
Making popcorn, or blowing balloons. (Sorry, inside joke. They are
still NOT good reasons to pull an all-nighter, however)
Pulling out each strand in a Koosh ball. Reassemble the koosh ball.
Repeat. Juggle on occasion.
Pretending it is really 12 hours later than it is. (i.e. Going to
classes, eating lunch, waiting for the soaps to come on…)
Just watching that flashing 12:00 on your VCR because you looked at
your other clocks already, and are simply looking for a second
opinion.
Rearranging your room all night long, attempting to make the WORST
setup possible, just to show that you would do such a thing.
Learn how to communicate better with the animal kingdom.
Trying to figure out how that counter works on a VCR. Once you do
figure it out, borrow a friends VCR. Repeat until insane.
Memorizing all the area codes. (Other good things: local phone
prefixes, zip codes, time zones, etc…)
Wanting to see cool times on your clock like 1:23, 6:66, 4:56, 00:69,
6:30, etc… (If you actually look for some of these times, you may
end up waiting more than all night…)
Pulling all your hair out so you can organize it by color, length,
thickness, straightness. Continue doing so until they haul you off to
the loony bin.
Learning sanskrit, serbo-croatian, ancient french, klingon, or any
other language you probably wont have much call for.
Anything that has to do with Star Trek. (ESPECIALLY watching Star
Trek 5 or 1 really… or that Deep Space show….)
Catching up with all those missed episodes of Coach you taped, so you
can follow along with the current, in-depth plotline.
Buying large amounts of bubble wrap, popping it ALL, then using it to
ship stuff. Breakable stuff.
You HAVE a life, yet you spend it reading lists like this.
Getting high on Marks-A-Lot markers.
Holding yourself hostage, but not telling anyone. Make large demands.
Trying to find food combinations that taste really bad.
Pondering all the hardships Michael Jackson has gone through in his
life. Writing him a sympathy card would be a nice touch.
House of cards.
Reliving the war. Any war. Maybe a childhood schoolyard fight. Maybe
just you stubbing your toe on that damned couch again.
Playing with heat-sensitive toys.
Writing Top 50 lists. Be creative.

Thanks to Michael Red Harris for his rather uninspiring remarks.

Distribute freely, but please dont cut ANYTHING from the first line to this
one.

The devil calls up St. Peter and says, Lets have a baseball game – my people
against your people.

St. Peter thinks this over, checks his populace, and says, Sure, but youre
gonna lose – Ive got all the hall of famers up here.

Maybe so, replies the devil, but Ive got all the umpires!

Your momma is like a doorknob – everyone gets a turn!

An American earned some bonus from his work and he thought he deserved a hunting trip to Canada. When he came to Canada he popped in a hunting store for renting a hunting dog. Before he left, he asked the boss what the dogs name was, the boss told him the dogs name is Sales.



During the hunting, Sales was so great, he barked when he saw quarries. He never stopped chasing them until he got them. No need to say, the American really got a bunch of quarries when hes done this hunting trip.





Couple years after then, this American earned another big bonus again. So he thought about the Canada hunting trip again. Of course he went to the same hunting store to rent that dog named Sales as soon as he arrived Canada. However, the boss told him they didnt call him Sales any more. Just because of his excellent performance, they called him Manager now. At the very same moment, the boss pointed to one corner of the store and told the American, Now he does nothing but barks at that corner everyday.

Three statisticians are hunting when they see a deer in the clearing. One of them shoots and misses by ten feet to the left. The next one missis by ten feet to the right. The third one jumps up and yells, We got him!

Invitan a una chica a una fiesta. Siendo muy guapa, ella estaba un poco nerviosa respecto a qué tenía que hacer si algún chico quería propasarse. Su mamá le dijo:

No te preocupes, es muy fácil. Cuando un chico se te acerque y quiera algo más, tú le preguntas: ¿Qué nombre vamos a ponerle a nuestro bebé? Y eso lo va a asustar.

Con eso, se fue a la fiesta. En la fiesta, uno de lo chicos empezó a bailar con ella y, poco a poco, a besarla y cariciarla. Ella le preguntó:

¿Qué nombre vamos a ponerle a nuestro bebé?

El chico inventó una excusa y desapareció.

Un poco después, la misma escena volvió a suceder: un chico empezó a besarle el cuello, los hombros… y cuando ella le preguntó por el nombre del bebé, el chico se fue a otro lado.

Más tarde, otro chico la invitó a dar un paseo y, después de unos minutos,empezó a besarla y ella le preguntó:

¿Qué nombre vamos a ponerle a nuestro bebé?

Él seguía besándola y empezó a quitarle la ropa.

¿Qué nombre vamos a ponerle a nuestro bebé? volvió a preguntar ella.

Él empezó a hacerle el amor y ella volvió a preguntarle:

¿Qué nombre vamos a ponerle a nuestro bebé?

Cuando terminó, él se sacó el condón lleno, le hizo un par de nudos se lo dio y le dijo:

Si logra salir de aquí… le pones MacGyver.

The curator of an art gallery asked an artist for a painting depicting General Custers last thoughts.

Two weeks later, the artist unveiled the painting, an enormous canvas with a lovely blue lake painted in its center, with a fish leaping from the water with a shining halo around its head. On the shores of the lake were the most detailed pictures of Indians fornicating.

After gaping at the painting for some time, the enraged curator demanded to know what the theme was supposed to be.

The artist said, You asked for a painting of Custers last thoughts, he explained. Thats it. Custer was thinking, Holy mackerel, where did all those fucking Indians come from?

Q: How many New Yorkers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 50. 50? Yeah 50; its in the contract.

El fumar mata, y si te mueres has perdido una parte muy importante de tu vida.

(Brooke Shields, entrevista para una campaña federal antitabaco, 1998)

Pregunta: Si usted pudiera vivir para siempre, ¿lo haría, y por qué?

Respuesta: Yo no viviría para siempre porque no deberíamos vivir para siempre, porque si se supusiera que debiéramos vivir para siempre, entonces viviríamos para siempre, pero no podemos vivir para siempre, que es por lo cual yo no viviría para siempre.

(Miss Alabama en el concurso Miss Estados Unidos 1994)

Yo nunca he fumado marihuana porque eso da celulitis.

(Natalia Paris, top model colombiana, marzo 1999)

Siempre que veo la tele y veo esos pobres niños hambrientos en todo el mundo, no puedo evitar llorar. Quiero decir, me encantaría ser así de flaquita, pero no con todas esas moscas y muerte y esas cosas…

(Mariah Carey, cantante pop, 1999)

Esa rastrera sinvergüenza merece ser matada a patadas por un asno… ¡Y yo soy justo la indicada para hacerlo!

(Claudia Shiffer sobre Naomi Campbell, 1998)

No he cometido ningún delito, lo que hice fue no cumplir con la ley.

(Jennifer López al ser detenida junto con Puff Daddy, 2000)

No es la contaminación la que esta dañando el ambiente, son las impurezas en nuestro aire y en nuestra agua las que lo están haciendo.

(Pamela Anderson Lee, febrero 2000)

Pregunta: ¿A qué personaje le gustaría conocer?

Respuesta: Definitivamente me gustaría conocer a Lady Di… Afortunadamente ya se murió.

(Miss Cauca en el concurso Miss Colombia 2000)

Un periodista a Carolina Zúñiga, candidata a Miss Chile 2000.

Pregunta: Si hubiese un holocausto nuclear, ¿qué pareja elegiría Ud. en todo el mundo (hombre y mujer) para preservar y multiplicar la especie humana?

Respuesta: Al Papa y a la Madre Teresa de Calcuta.