Old and New Jokes

A drunk walks into a bar and says to the bartender (with a drunken slur), Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill.

The bartender does just as the drunk requested and hands the man a bill for $57.00.



The drunk says, I havent got it.



The bartender gets angry and throws him out into the street.



The very next day the same drunk walks into the bar and once again says (with a drunken slur), Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill.



The bartender looks at the guy and figures to himself that he cant possibly be stupid enough to pull the same trick twice, so he gives him the benefit of the doubt, pours a round of drinks for the house, has a drink himself and hands the drunk a bill for $67.00.



The drunk says, I havent got it.



The bartender cant believe it. He gets furious, picks the guy up and hurls him out into the street.



The next day the same drunk walks back into the same bar and says (with a drunken slur), Bartender, buy every one in the house a drink, give me the bill.



In disgust, the bartender says, What, no drink for me this time?



The drunk replies, You!? No way! You get too violent when you drink.

In the city today the temperature rose to 180 degrees. This sudden
rise of temperature was responsible for the intolerable heat.

Little Johnnys dad is sitting on the side of the bed rolling on a condom about to give his girlfriend some.

Little Johnny sticks his head in the door, sees his dad and says, Whatcha doin daddy?

Johnnys dad stoops over to cover-up his dick and starts looking at the floor. Oh Im just looking for this big rat I saw. he says.

Little Johnny says, Whatcha gonna do, fuck it?

When Apollo Mission Astronaut Neil Armstrong first walked on the moon, he not only gave his famous One small step for man, one giant leap for man kind statement but followed it with several remarks, usual com traffic between him, the other astronauts and Mission Control. Just before he reentered the lander, however, he made the enigmatic remark Good luck Mr. Gorsky.Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival Soviet Cosmonaut. However, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American Space Programs. Over the years many people questioned Mr. Armstrong as to what the Good Luck Mr. Gorsky, statement meant, but Armstrong always smiled and would not answer.On July 5, 1996, in Tampa, FL, while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 29 year old question to Armstrong again. This time he finally responded. Mr. Gorsky had finally died and so Armstrong felt he could answer the question…. When Armstrong was a kid, he was playing baseball with a friend in his backyard. His friend hit a fly ball which landed in the front of his neighbors bedroom windows. His neighbors were Mr. and Mrs. Gorsky. As he leaned down to pick up the ball, the then young Neil Armstrong heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky saying Oral Sex! You want oral sex? Youll get oral sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!

Your idea of a seven course meal is a bucket of KFC and a sixpack.

You go to a tupperware party for a haircut.

Youve ever spray painted your girlfriends name on an overpass.

Superman once wrote on the wall: “Batman is a pussy.” The next day Batman wrote: “Superman is Clark Kent.”

To: All Employees

From: Management

Subject: Office conduct during the Christmas season

Effective immediately, employees should keep in mind the following guidelines in compliance with FROLIC (the Federal Revelry Office and Leisure Industry Council).

Running aluminum foil through the paper shredder to make tinsel is discouraged.
Playing Jingle Bells on the push-button phone is forbidden (it runs up an incredible long distance bill)
Work requests are not to be filed under Bah humbug.
Company cars are not to be used to go over the river and through the woods to Grandmas house.
All fruitcake is to be eaten BEFORE July 25.
Egg nog will NOT be dispensed in vending machines.

In spite of all this, the staff is encouraged to have a Happy Holiday.

The best way to win an argument is to start by being right.

Q: What does a blonde do after waking up?

A1: Go Home.

A2: Introduce herself to the guy on the bed.

A List of Abbreviations in the Women Seeking Men Classifieds.

Code Word: 40-ish
Really Means: 48

Code Word: Adventurous
Really Means: Has had more partners than you ever will

Code Word: Affectionate
Really Means: Possessive

Code Word: Artist
Really Means: Unreliable

Code Word: Athletic
Really Means: Flat chested

Code Word: Average looking
Really Means: Ugly

Code Word: Beautiful
Really Means: Pathological liar

Code Word: Commitment-minded
Really Means: Pick out curtains, now!

Code Word: Communication important
Really Means: Just try to get a word in edge-wise

Code Word: Contagious Smile
Really Means: Bring your penicillin

Code Word: Educated
Really Means: College dropout

Code Word: Emotionally Secure
Really Means: Medicated

Code Word: Employed
Really Means: Has part-time job stuffing envelopes at home

Code Word: Enjoys art and opera
Really Means: Snob

Code Word: Enjoys Nature
Really Means: Bring your own granola

Code Word: Exotic Beauty
Really Means: Would frighten a Martian

Code Word: Feminist
Really Means: Fat; ball buster

Code Word: Financially Secure
Really Means: One paycheck from the street

Code Word: Free spirit
Really Means: Substance user

Code Word: Friendship first
Really Means: Trying to live down reputation as slut

Code Word: Fun
Really Means: Annoying

Code Word: Gentle
Really Means: Comatose

Code Word: Good Listener
Really Means: Borderline Autistic

Code Word: Humorous
Really Means: Caustic

Code Word: Intuitive
Really Means: Your opinion doesnt count

Code Word: In Transition
Really Means: Needs new sugar-daddy to pay the bills

Code Word: Light drinker
Really Means: Lush

Code Word: Looks younger
Really Means: If viewed from far away in bad light

Code Word: Loves Travel
Really Means: If youre paying

Code Word: Loves Animals
Really Means: Cat lady

Code Word: Mature
Really Means: Will not let you treat her like a farm animal in bed,
like last boyfriend did

Code Word: New-Age
Really Means: All body hair, all the time

Code Word: Non-tradional
Really Means: Ex-husband lives in the basement

Code Word: Old-fashioned
Really Means: Lights out, missionary position only

Code Word: Open-minded
Really Means: Desperate

Code Word: Outgoing
Really Means: Loud

Code Word: Passionate
Really Means: Loud

Code Word: Petite
Really Means: Wouldnt stand out in a pack of Munchkins

Code Word: Poet
Really Means: Depressive Schzophrenic

Code Word: Professional
Really Means: Bitch

Code Word: Redhead
Really Means: Shops on the Clairol aisle

Code Word: Reliable
Really Means: Frumpy

Code Word: Reubenesque
Really Means: Grossly Fat

Code Word: Romantic
Really Means: Looks better by candle light

Code Word: Self-employed
Really Means: Jobless

Code Word: Smart
Really Means: Insipid

Code Word: Special
Really Means: Road the short schoolbus

Code Word: Spiritual
Really Means: Involved with a cult

Code Word: Stable
Really Means: Boring

Code Word: Tall, thin
Really Means: Anorexic

Code Word: Tan
Really Means: Wrinkled

Code Word: Voluptuous
Really Means: Very Fat

Code Word: Weight proportional to height
Really Means: Hugely Fat

Code Word: Wants Soulmate
Really Means: One step away from stalking

Code Word: Widow
Really Means: Nagged first husband to death

Code Word: Writer
Really Means: Pompous

Code Word: Young at heart
Really Means: Old Toothless Fogie