Old and New Jokes

Kiss me twice. Im schizophrenic.

An appendix is something found in the back of a book.
Sometimes they get in people and have to be taken out.

He who dies with the most toys is still dead.

A truck driver was driving down the highway when he saw a priest at the side of the road. He stopped to pick up the priest and give him a ride.

A ways down the road the truck driver saw a lawyer on the side of the road. He turned the truck on a direct course with the lawyer. Then he thought, Oh no, I have a priest in the truck. I cant run down this lawyer, and at the last second the truck driver swerved to miss the lawyer.

Regardless, the truck driver heard a thump outside of the truck. He looked in his rear-view mirror but didnt see anything.

He turned to the priest and said, Sorry Father, I just missed that lawyer at the side of the road.

And the priest replied, Dont worry son. I got him with my door.

-=} Randall {=- 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

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knock knock,
whos there?
little boy blue,
little boy blue who?
micheal jackson!

A man visits his aunt in the nursing home. It turns out that she is taking a nap, so he just sits down in a chair in her room, flips through a few magazines, and munches on some peanuts sitting in a bowl on the table.Eventually, the aunt wakes up, and her nephew realizes hes absentmindedly finished the entire bowl. Im so sorry, auntie, Ive eaten all of your peanuts!Thats okay, dearie, the aunt replied. After Ive sucked the chocolate off, I dont care for them anyway.

Your wife has ever said, Come move this transmission so I can take a bath!

Your family tree does not fork.

The flood history of the area can be seen on your living room walls.

Q: How do you stop a Polish army on horseback?

A: Turn off the carousel.

You know youre a redneck when the biggest city youve been to is Wal-Mart.

Well, Kenny the rooster costs a lot of money, but the farmer decides hed be worth it. So, he buys Kenny. The farmer takes Kenny home and sets him down in the barnyard, first, giving the rooster a pep talk. I want you to pace yourself now. Youve got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money. Consequently, Ill need you to do a good job. So, take your time and have some fun, the farmer said, with a chuckle. Kenny seemed to understand, so the farmer pointed toward the Hen house and Kenny took off like a shot. WHAM!-

Kenny nails every hen in the hen house- three or four times, and the farmer is really shocked. After that the farmer hears a commotion in the duck pen, sure enough, Kenny is in there. Later, the farmer sees Kenny after a flock of geese, down by the lake. Once again – WHAM! He gets all the geese. By sunset he sees Kenny out in the fields chasing quail and pheasants. The farmer is distraught and worried that his expensive rooster wont even last 24 hours. Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next day, to find Kenny on his back, stone cold in the middle of the yard. Buzzards are circling overhead. The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colorful and expensive animal, shakes his head and says, Oh, Kenny, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what youve done to yourself.

Kenny opens one eye, nods toward the buzzards circling in the sky and says, Shhh, theyre getting closer.