Old and New Jokes

Yo mamas so stupid, she thought "Dunkin Donuts" was a basketball team.

Never moon a werewolf.

yo mama so fat she got baptized at seaworld

Weve stopped using the deadly gamma rays
Programming designed to make your childern dull and listless
The shows are funny if you drink enough hard cider
If you play with the vertical hold, you can make Andy Rooney jump like a monkey
This year, on a special 60 minutes, Morley Safer loses his virginity
Were Kuralt-a-rific!
Weve got a really cool CBS maintenance man who can turn his feet all the way around
This year, Angela Lansbury starts murdering people herself
If you dont watch, well send Mike Wallace to investigate your ass
Itll help Connie and Maury have a baby!

A panda bear walks into a restaurant and orders a sandwich. When he receives the sandwich he eats it and then shoots the waiter and leaves the restaurant. A policeman sees the panda and tells him he just broke the law The panda bear tells the policeman that hes innocent and, if he didnt believe him, to look in the dictionary. The policeman gets a dictionary and looks up "panda bear." It says, Panda Bear: eats shoots and leaves.

Having finished it, he tied it up and hung it from the inside of his hut. That night the creeper that supported the thrones weight snapped and the throne crushed and killed the warrior, the morale of this tale is: People who live in grass houses shouldnt stow thrones!

A guy is walking along the beach and he stumbles on a Genie Bottle.

He rubs it and out pop two Genies. He makes three wishes. When he gets home, he hears a knock on the door and outside there are 20 beautiful naked women. Walking back inside he sees a briefcase sitting on his coffee table. Opening it he see $20 million dollars.

Wow, my first two wishes have come true! he yells.

He gets ready to do his thing with the women when he hears another knock on the door. When he opens the door there are two Ku Klux Klan guys.

First, they beat the him up, then they tar and feather him. Next, they take him out back and lynch him. When the KKK guys are sure he is dead, they take their hoods off to reveal the two Genies!

The first Genie turns to the second and says, You know, I can understand his first two wishes but why would he want to be hung like a black man?

A kangaroo mom with seven babies in her pouch told another kangaroo mom, These sleepovers are killing me!

July 18 – I just tried to connect to America Online. Ive heard it is the best
online service I can get. They even included a free disk! Id better hold onto
it in case they dont ever send me another one! I cant connect. I dont know
what is wrong.

July 19 – Some guy at the tech support center says my computer needs a modem. I
dont see why. Hes just trying to cheat me. How dumb does he think I am?

July 22 – I bought the modem. I couldnt figure out where it goes. It wouldnt
fit in the monitor or the printer. Im confused.

July 23 – I finally got the modem in and hooked up. That nine year old next door
did it for me. But it still dont work. I cant get online.

July 25 – That nine year old kid next door hooked me up to America Online for
me. Hes so smart. I told the kid he was a prodigy. But he says thats just
another service. What a modest kid. Hes so smart and he does these services for
people. Anyway hes smarter then the jerks who sold me the modem. They didnt
even tell me about communications software. Bet they didnt know. And why do
they put two telephone jack holes in the back of a modem when you only need one?
And why do they have one labeled phone when you are not suppose to hook it to
the phone jack on the wall? I thought the dial tone sounded funny! Boy, are
modem makers dumb! But the kid figured it out by the sound.

July 26 – Whats the internet? I thought I was on America Online. Not this
internet thing. Im confused.

July 27 – The nine year old kid next door showed me how to use this America
Online stuff. I told him he must be a genius. He says that he is compared to me.
Maybe hes not so modest after all.

July 28 – I tried to use chat today. I tried to talk into my computer but
nothing happened. Maybe I need to buy a microphone.

July 29 – I found this thing called usenet. I got out of it because Im
connected to America Online, not usenet.

July 30 – These people in this usenet thing keep using capital letters. How do
they do that? I never figured out how to type capital letters. Maybe they have a
different type of keyboard.

JULY 31 – I CALLED THE COMPUTER MAKER I BOUGHT IT FROM TO COMPLAIN ABOUT NOT
HAVING A CAPITOL LETTER KEY. THE TECH SUPPORT GUY SAID IT WAS THIS CAPS LOCK
KEY. WHY DIDNT THEY SPELL IT OUT? I TOLD HIM I GOT A CHEAP KEYBOARD AND WANTED
A BETTER ONE. AND ONE OF MY SHIFT KEYS ISNT THE SAME SIZE AS THE OTHER. HE SAID
THATS A STANDARD. I TOLD HIM I DIDNT WANT A STANDARD KEYBOARD BUT ANOTHER
BRAND. I MUST HAVE HAD AN IMPORTANT COMPLAINT BECAUSE I HEARD HIM TELL THE OTHER
SUPPORT GUYS TO LISTEN IN ON OUR CONVERSATION.

AUGUST 1 – I FOUND THIS THING CALLED THE USENET ORACLE. IT SAYS THAT IT CAN
ANSWER ANY QUESTIONS I ASK IT. I SENT IT 44 SEPARATE QUESTIONS ABOUT THE
INTERNET. I HOPE IT RESPONDS SOON.

AUGUST 2 – I FOUND A GROUP CALLED REC.HUMOR. I DECIDED TO POST THIS JOKE ABOUT
THE CHICKEN THAT CROSSED THE ROAD TO GET TO THE OTHER SIDE! HA! HA! I WASNT
SURE I POSTED IT RIGHT SO I POSTED IT 56 MORE TIMES.

AUGUST 3 – I KEEP HEARING ABOUT THE WORLD WIDE WEB. I DIDNT KNOW SPIDERS GREW
THAT LARGE.

AUGUST 4 – THE ORACLE RESPONDED TO MY QUESTIONS TODAY. GEEZ IT WAS RUDE. I WAS
SO ANGRY THAT I POSTED AN ANGRY MESSAGE ABOUT IT TO REC.HUMOR.ORACLE. I WASNT
SURE IF I POSTED RIGHT SO I POSTED IT 22 MORE TIMES.

AUGUST 5 – SOMEONE TOLD ME TO READ THE FAQ. GEEZ THEY DIDNT HAVE TO USE
PROFANITY.

AUGUST 6 – SOMEONE ELSE TOLD ME TO STOP SHOUTING IN ALL MY MESSAGES. WHAT A
STUPID JERK. IM NOT SHOUTING! IM NOT EVEN TALKING! JUST TYPING! HOW CAN THEY
LET THESE RUDE JERKS GO ON THE INTERNET?

August 7 – Why have a Caps Lock key if youre not suppose to use it? Its
probably an extra feature that costs more money.

August 8 – I just read this post called make money fast. Im so exited. Im
going to make lots of money. I followed his instructions and posted it to every
newsgroup I could find.

August 9 – I just made my signature file. Its only 6 pages long. I will have to
work on it some more.

August 10 – I just looked at a group called alt.aol.sucks. I read a few posts
and I really believe that aol should be wiped off the face of the earth. I
wonder what an aol is.

August 11 – I was asking where to find some information about something. Some
guy told me to check out ftp.netcom.com. Ive looked and looked but I cant find
that group.

August 12 – I sent a post to every usenet group on the Internet asking where the
ftp.netcom.com is. Hopefully someone will help. I cant ask the kid next door.
His parents said that when he comes back from my house hes laughing so hard he
cant eat or sleep or do his homework. So they wont let him come over anymore.
I do have a great sense of humor. I dont know why the rec.humor group didnt
like my chicken joke. Maybe they only like dirty stuff. Some people sent me
posts about my 56 posts of the joke and they used bad words.

August 13 – I sent another post to every usenet group on the Internet asking
where the ftp.netcom.com is. I had forgot yesterday to include my new signature
file which is only 8 pages long. I know everyone will want to read my favorite
poem so I included it. Im also going to add that short story I like.

August 14 – Some guy suspended my account because of what I was doing. I told
him I dont have an account at his bank. Hes so dumb.

13. Your resume includes that job as Strom Thurmonds nanny.
12. Your historic moonwalk speech? Ive fallen and I cant get up!
11. Being on oxygen, wearing a waste bag, and eating pureed vegatables through a straw are old hat to you.
10. Your 96 bid for the presidency didnt quite pan out.
9. You cant remember the last time you experienced lift-off, if you know what I mean.
8. Forget the Vomit Comet test plane – you failed the turnstile test.
7. NASA fits you for a spacesuit support bra – but youre not female.
6. Houston, were venting some sort of gas out into space… no wait, its just me.
5. NASA isnt all that impressed that you already get all your meals from a tube.
4. You can no longer see over the Shuttle steering wheel without your cushion.
3. During take-off you keep yelling, If you kids dont knock off that racket, Im turning this thing around and were going straight home!
2. Demand that liftoff be delayed because of time conflict with reruns of Murder, She Wrote and Matlock.

   and the Number 1 Sign Youre Too Old to be an Astronaut…

1. The last time you heard talk of strange rings around Uranus, it was from your doctor.