Youre momma so fat, she be sellin shade!
Youre momma so ugly, she walked down the street and got arrested for indecent exposure!
Youre momma so old, her s*#t has wrinkles!
Youre momma so stupid, she gave birth to you and asked the doctor if you were hers!
Youre momma so poor, her idea of big spendin is buyin a gumball!
Three ladies died and went to the final court of Yama (The Hindu mythology god who keeps track of good and bad deeds of everyone). The subordinate listed all the good and bad deeds of the three ladies and finally Yama asks them the final question which will decide their fate.
Yama to 1st lady: So, What do you have to say about yourself?
1st lady: Sir! I had been a true hindu wife faithful to my husband and I kept him happy all through my married life.
Yama to 1st lady: Hmm … I see. Ok! Subordinate show her the way of heaven. And she is taken to the heaven.
Yama to 2nd lady: So, What do you have to say about yourself?
2nd lady: Sir! I had been a true human being and kept all my family members happy all through my life.
Yama to 2nd lady: Hmm … I see. Ok! Subordinate show her the way of heaven. And she is also taken to the heaven.
Yama to 3rd lady: And now Madam, What do you have to say about yourself?
3rd lady: Sir! I had been a true lady and kept all persons, who came in my contact, happy.
Yama to 3rd lady: Hmm … I see. Ok! Subordinate show her the way of My bedroom.
A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Franciscos Chinatown. Picking through the objects on display, he discovers a detailed life-sized bronze sculpture of a rat. The sculpture is so interesting and unique that he picks it up and asks the shop owner what it costs.
Twelve dollars for the bronze rat, sir, says the shop owner, and a thousand dollars more for the story behind it.
You can keep the story, old man, he replies, but Ill take the rat.
The transaction complete, the tourist leaves the store with the bronze rat under his arm. As he crosses the street in front of the store, two live rats emerge from a sewer drain and fall into step behind him.
Nervously looking over his shoulder, he begins to walk faster, but every time he passes another sewer drain, more rats come out and follow him. By the time hes walked two blocks, at least a hundred rats are at his heels, and people begin to point and shout.
He walks even faster, and soon breaks into a trot as multitudes of rats swarm from sewers, basements, vacant lots, and abandoned cars. Rats by the thousands are at his heels, and as he sees the waterfront at the bottom of the hill, he panics and starts to run full tilt. No matter how fast he runs, the rats keep up, squealing hideously. Now not just thousands but millions, so that by the time he comes rushing up to the waters edge there is a trail of rats twelve city blocks long is behind him.
Making a mighty leap, he jumps up onto a light post, grasping it with one arm, while he hurls the bronze rat into San Francisco Bay with the other, as far as he can heave it. Pulling his legs up out of reach and clinging tightly to the light post, he watches in amazement as the seething tide of rats surges over the breakwater into the sea, where they drown.
Shaken and mumbling, he makes his way back to the antique shop.
Ah, so youve come back for the rest of the story, says the owner.
No, says the exhausted tourist, I was wondering if you have a bronze lawyer.
What do you call a blonde who dyed her hair brown?
Llega Pepito del Campamento con dos bolsas de ropa sucia, a lo que su mamá le dice:
¡Pepito, me va a tomar todo un dÃa lavar toda esa ropa!
A lo que Pepito le contestó:
¡Mami, a mi me tomo una semana para ensuciarla!
Knock Knock
Whos there?
Montana!
Montana who?
Montana your hide if she finds out you ate all of the cookies!
A man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The barman charges him 10 cents. Confused, but not complaining, the man pays.
After a while he decides to have another, and some food, so he orders another beer and a steak. The barman charges him 25 cents, 10 for the beer and 15 for the food.
After finishing his food and drink, he calls the barman over and says, Mate, that was the best steak Ive ever had. I want to talk to the manager and thank him.
No problem, says the barman. Hes upstairs with my wife. Whats he doing upstairs with your wife? asks the man.
Probably the same thing Im doing to his business down here!
HUSBAND: luv can u see that honey
WIFE: what honey?
HUSBAND: cup of tea with 2 sugars please.
Whereas, on or about the night prior to Christmas, there did occur at a certain improved piece of
real property (hereinafter the House) a general lack of stirring by all creatures therein, including,
but not limited to a mouse.
A variety of foot apparel, e.g., stocking, socks, etc., had been affixed by and around the chimney
in said House in the hope and/or belief that St. Nick AKA/St. Nicholas AKA/Santa Claus
(hereinafter Claus) would arrive at sometime thereafter.
The minor residents, i.e., the children, of the aforementioned House were located in their individual
beds and were engaged in nocturnal hallucinations, i.e., dreams, wherein visions of confectionery
treats, including, but not limited to, candies, nuts and/or sugar plums, did dance, cavort and
otherwise appear in said dreams.
Whereupon the party of the first part (sometimes hereinafter referred to as I), being the
joint-owner in fee simple of the House with the parts of the second part (hereinafter Mamma),
and said Mamma had retired for a sustained period of sleep. (At such time, the parties were clad
in various forms of headgear, e.g., kerchief and cap.)
Suddenly, and without prior notice or warning, there did occur upon the unimproved real property
adjacent and appurtenant to said House, i.e., the lawn, a certain disruption of unknown nature,
cause and/or circumstance. The party of the first part did immediately rush to a window in the
House to investigate the cause of such disturbance.
At that time, the party of the first part did observe, with some degree of wonder and/or disbelief,
a miniature sleigh (hereinafter the Vehicle) being pulled and/or drawn very rapidly through the
air by approximately eight (8) reindeer. The driver of the Vehicle appeared to be and in fact
was, the previously referenced Claus.
Said Claus was providing specific direction, instruction and guidance to the approximately eight (8)
reindeer and specifically identified
A little black boy is in the kitchen when his black mother is baking. The black child puts his hands in the flour and rubs it all over his face. He looks at his black mom and says, Look mamma, I am a white boy!
His black mother slaps him and tells him to show his black father, and the black boy says Look daddy, I am a whiteboy!
The black father slaps his son and sends him to his black grandmother. Before he talks she slaps him too!
He goes down to his black mother and she says, Now what did you learn from all of this?
The black boy responds: I have been white for five minutes and I already hate you damn blacks!