Old and New Jokes

Yo mama so stupid she put a quarter in a parking meter and said, Wheres my gumball?

A blonde and her father are walking down a street when the father says, Look, a dead bird.
And the blonde looks up and says, Where?

What is the last thing each Tickle Me Elmo doll receives before he leaves the factory?

Two Test Tickles

Un marinero y un pirata se encuentran en un bar y se empiezan a contar sus aventuras en los mares. El marinero nota que el pirata tiene una pierna de palo, un gancho en la mano y un parche en el ojo y le pregunta al pirata: ¿Y cómo terminaste con esa pierna de palo?

El pirata le responde: Estabamos en medio de una tormenta y una ola me tiró al mar, caí entre un montón de tiburones. Mientras mis amigos me subían un tiburón me arrancó la pierna de un mordisco.

!Guau!, replicó el marinero. ¿Y qué te pasó en la mano, por qué tienes ese gancho? Bien…. respondió el pirata, estabamos abordando un barco enemigo y mientras luchábamos con nuestras espadas contra los otros marineros, un enemigo me cortó la mano.

¡Increíble!, dijo el marinero, ¿Y qué te paso en el ojo?

Una paloma que iba pasando y me cayó excremento en el ojo.

¿Perdiste el ojo por un excremento de paloma?, replicó el marinero incrédulamente.

Bueno…, dijo el pirata, era mi primer día con el gancho.

One day a little boy was walking with his sister when they came upon a maple tree. The little boys sister desided to climb the tree. When she got to the top, the little boy looked up to see how far up the tree she was. When he looked up, he noticed that she didnt have on any underware. He said, Hey sis! Whats that? A little bit of this and a little bit of that, she replied. When they got home that night, the little boy asked his mother, What are we having for supper tonight? A little bit of this and a little bit of that. The little boy looked at his mother strangely and replied, Can you pick the hairs off mine first?

The boss of a large company says to his protege : Im transferring you to the northern office

The protege says : But that place is full of whores and football players!

The boss replies : My wife used to live there !

The protege quickly responds: Really ?? What position does she play ?

A husband and wife decided they needed to use code to indicate that they wanted to have sex without letting their children in on it.

They decided on the word Typewriter.

One day the husband told his five year old daughter, Go tell your mommy that daddy needs to type a letter.

The child told her mother what her dad said, and her mom responded, Tell your daddy that he cant type a letter right now cause there is a red ribbon in the typewriter.

The child went back to tell her father what mommy said.

A few days later the mom told the daughter, Tell daddy that he can type that letter now.

The child told her father, returned to her mother and announced, Daddy said never mind with the typewriter, he already wrote the letter by hand.

Q. What did the blonde teachers aide do when she discovered that someone had already written on the overhead transparency?

A: She turned it over and used the other side.

He said, God!?

God responded, Yes?

And the guy said, Can I ask a question?

Go right ahead, God said.

God, what is a million years to you?

God said, a million years to me is only a second.

Hmmm, the man wondered. Then he asked, God, what is a million dollars worth to you?

God said, a million dollars to me is as a penny.

So the man said, God. can I have a penny?

And God cheerfully said, Sure!!…..just a second

Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a
number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had
a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis in the pickle slicer.
His wife suggested that he should see a therapist to talk about it,
but Bill indicated that hed be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome
the compulsion on his own.

One day a few weeks later Bill came home absolutely ashen.
His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.
Whats wrong, Bill? she asked.

Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous
urge to put my penis in the pickle slicer?

Oh, Bill, you didnt.

Yes, I did.

My God, Bill, what happened?

I got fired.

No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?

Oh… she got fired too.