After a long life of unselfish service, Father John OMalley died and went to heaven. St Peter met him at the gate and said: John, you did such a wonderful job for us on earth, wed like to do something special for you. You name it; its yours. John thought for a moment and said: Id like a private audience with the Holy Mother. St Peter told him it would be arranged.On the appointed day, St Peter escorted John to the Holy Mothers sanctuary. John went before Her, knelt, and said: Holy Mother, Ive always looked to You for guidance, and You have granted me peace and serenity through some difficult times. But I have one question that has nagged me during my whole time on earth. In all the paintings that were done of you, and in all the sculptures that were carved of you, you always looked so sad. Why is that? Mary thought for a moment, pursing her lips. She said: I always wanted a girl.
Headline:
Half of U.S. High Schools Require Some Study for Graduation
Q: Whats the difference between a Rottweiler and a Social Worker?
A: Its easier to get your baby back from a Rottweiler.
A language instructor was explaining to her class that French nouns, unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine.
Things like chalk or pencil, she described, would have a gender association although in English these words were neutral. Puzzled, one student raised his hand and asked, What gender is a computer?
The teacher wasnt certain which it was,and so divided the class into two groups and asked them to decide if a computer should be masculine or feminine. One group was comprised of the women in the class, and the other, of men. Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their recommendation.
The group of women concluded that computers should be referred to in masculine gender because:
1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model.
The men, on the other hand, decided that computers should definitely be referred to in the feminine gender because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories.
Picture the scene, three bosnian soldiers sitting in a bombed out building in Bihac. Bombs exploding, shells whistling over their heads etc.
Bosnian Soldier (B.S.) 1 says Its no good, its exactly three weeks two days and 14 hours since I last got laid. I cant cope anymore, I really need a fuck!
BS 2 and 3 You cant get out, youll never survive, theres bombs and stuff going off everywhere.
BS 1 No its no good, i need to get a bit, see you, he promptly jumps out of the building and yomps off to the sound of machine gun fire, and a couple of mortar rounds.
BS 2 Well thats the last well see of him, hell not survive, and if he does get a bit he wont come back.
24 hours later they are still sitting there thinking that thats it, he hasnt survived, hell not be back, when the machine guns start again. BS 1 jumps over the wall into the shelter.
WOW, the best 24 hours sex ive ever had!! I got the lot! Me on top, her on top, two at once, the lot Ive never had as much as that before in my life.
BS 2 Thats all very well but did you get a blow job then?
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No I couldnt find one with a head on!
Sorry, sick I know, I heard it from a Royal Navy Nursing Officer ( the caring profession ?)
Yo momma is so fat, that the last time she farted, a director came up with the movie Twister.
You might be a redneck if anyone in your family died right after saying, Hey, yall watch this!
The following is from the US Government Peace Corps Manual for its volunteers who work in the Amazon Jungle. It tells what to do in case you are attacked by an anaconda,the largest snake in the world. It is a relative of the boa constrictor, it grows to thirty-five feet in length and weighs between three and four hundred pounds at the maximum.
This is what the manual said:
1. If you are attacked by an anaconda, do not run. The snake is faster than you are.
2. Lie flat on the ground. Put your arms tight against your sides, your legs tight against one another
3. Tuck your chin in.
4. The snake will come and begin to nudge and climb over your body.
5. Do not panic
6. After the snake has examined you, it will begin to swallow you from the feet and – always from the end. Permit the snake to swallow your feet and ankles. Do not panic.
7. The snake will now begin to suck your legs into its body. You must lie perfectly still. This will take a long time.
8. When the snake has reached your knees slowly and with as little movement as possible, reach down, take your knife and very gently slide it into the side of the snakes mouth between the edge of its mouth and your leg, then suddenly rip upwards, severing the snakes head.
9. Be sure you have your knife.
10. Be sure your knife is sharp.
Someone asked Clinton if he was heading to Arkansas after this is over.
He replied that he intended to stay in D.C., and poke around for awhile.
Defense Attorney: What is your age?
Little Old Woman: I am 86 years old.
Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened to you?
Little Old Woman: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.
Defense Attorney: Did you know him?
Little Old Woman: No, but he sure was friendly.
Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down beside you?
Little Old Woman: He started to rub my thigh.
Defense Attorney: Did you stop him?
Little Old Woman: No, I didnt stop him.
Defense Attorney: Why not?
Little Old Woman: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Abner passed away some 30 years ago.
Defense Attorney: What happened next?
Little Old Woman: He began to rub my breasts.
Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then?
Little Old Woman: No, I did not stop him.
Defense Attorney: Why not?
Little Old Woman: Well, his rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I havent felt that good in years!
Defense Attorney: What happened next?
Little Old Woman: Well, I was feeling so spicy that I just spread my old legs and said to him, take me, young man, Take me!
Defense Attorney: Did he take you?
Little Old Woman: Hell, no. Thats when he yelled, April Fool!. And thats when I shot the son of a bitch!