Told by Rabbi Lionel Blue on Thought for the day, Radio 4, Monday
29th July 1991.
A Jewish young man was seeing a psychiatrist for an eating and
sleeping disorder.
I am so obsessed with my mother… As soon as I go to sleep, I start
dreaming, and everyone in my dream turns into my mother. I wake up in
such a state, all I can do is go downstairs and eat a piece of toast.
The psychiatrist replies:
What, just one piece of toast, for a big boy like you?
When cosmetic products state Not Tested on Animals on the label, does it mean that that has not been tested at all, in which case the consumers are the Guinea Pigs, or does it mean that they tested it on a select group of animal rights activists who chose to substitute for the animals?
Hmmmmmmmm
Q: How can you tell a blondes been using the computer?A: Theres white-out all over the screen.
Long ago in a Polish town there lived a wise Rabbi. One night a
peddler came to the Rabbis house. Rabbi, he said, I am going to kill
myself!
Heaven, forbid! cried the Rabbi, What could make you have
such a sinful thought?
Is it better than I should starve to death!
Today my horse died and without a horse I cannot earn my living!
Look,
said the Rabbi, the Holy One, Blessed be He, will provide for you.
Tonight, at midnight, meet me at the stable of the Count. The peddler
had no idea what the Rabbi could mean, but obediently he arrived at
the Counts stables at 12 oclock sharp. The Rabbi took him to one of
the stalls and told him to take the beautiful white stallion standing
there.
Oy, vay! said the peddler, I cant do this, the Count will
have me hanged!
Dont worry, the Rabbi assured him, take the horse
and go in peace. Since in those days one did not disobey a Rabbi, the
peddler did as he was told.
When he had gone the Rabbi lay down in the stall and went to sleep. The
next morning the Count arrived with his groom and seeing the man asleep
on the floor, kicked him and cried: Hey you, who are you, what are you
doing here, where is my horse?!
The Rabbi sat up and rubbed his eyes.
Then he jumped to his feet and raised his hands to the sky and cried:
Thanks be to God, creator of the Universe!
Whats this, whats this,
cried the Count,what is going on, who are you, where is my horse??!
Dont you understand? said the Rabbi, I was your horse! I used to
be a famous scholar. But one night I succumbed to the Evil Impulse and
went to a prostitute. In punishment the Holy One turned me into your
horse. But in my misery I repented and prayed for forgiveness. Finally
my prayers were heard and I have been changed back into a human being.
Thanks be to God, creator of the Universe!
Now the Count was a
devout man and a respecter of miracles and so he also cried, Thanks
be to God, creator of the Universe! and let the Rabbi go.
Several weeks later the Count was riding through the town. Suddenly
he spied the peddler leading his beautiful white stallion. He leaped
from his carriage and ran to the beast, struck him brutally on the
rear end with his riding crop and shrieked: Scoundrel! Ingrate!
Going to prostitutes again??!!
Un hombre le relataba a otro por qué habÃa despedido a su secretaria.
Dos semanas atrás, contaba él, fue mi cumpleaños numero 37 y no me sentÃa nada bien cuando me levante esa mañana. Fui a desayunar sabiendo que mi esposa estarÃa contenta y me dirÃa Feliz Cumpleaños y quizás tuviera un regalo para mÃ. Pero ella ni siquiera me dio los buenos dias. Yo pensé: Bueno, quizás mis hijos se acuerden. Los niños vinieron a desayunar y no dijeron ni una sola palabra.
Cuando me fui a mi oficina me sentÃa totalmente deprimido. Al entrar en mi despacho, mi bella secretaria, Jeanette, me dijo: Buenos dÃas licenciado, y ¡feliz cumpleaños! Empece a sentirme un poco mejor. Por lo menos ella sà se acordaba.
Después de innumerables reuniones y telefonazos, ya cerca de las dos de la tarde, entró Jeanette y me dijo: Sabes, hace un dÃa precioso y además es tu cumpleaños, ¿que tal si vamos a comer los dos solos, tu y yo?. Y yo pensé: Esta es la mejor cosa que he oido en todo el dÃa, asà que tomé mi saco y salimos. En vez de ir a comer al lugar acostumbrado, fuimos a un sitio mucho mas privado. Comimos y nos tomamos varios martinis, la comida estuvo deliciosa y nos divertimos bastante. De regreso a la oficina ella dijo: Sabes,¿para qué desperdiciar este ambiente? mejor no regresemos a la oficina. Te invito a mi apartamento en donde prepararé unos deliciosos martinis o lo que tú quieras.
Una vez dentro del apartamento, puso música suave, la luz tenue y me dijo de manera prometedora: Si no te molesta, creo que voy a mi recamara a cambiarme de ropa y ponerme algo más cómodo, ahora regreso. Yo la dejé ir… no me molestaba eso.
Ella entró en su habitacion, cerrando la puerta a su paso, y a los seis minutos regresó cargando un gran pastel de cumpleaños… seguida de mi esposa, hijos y algunos compañeros de oficina, todos ellos cantando Feliz Cumpleaños.
Y allà estaba yo, desnudo en la sala, sólo con los calcetines puestos.
El juez le pregunta a la mujer:
DÃgame: ¿Cuál es el motivo por el que quiere divorciarse de su esposo?
Mi marido me trata como si fuera un perro.
¿La maltrata? ¿Le pega?, interroga el juez.
¡No, quiere que le sea fiel!
Q: How does a clown fish get its stripes?
A: It spends time in jail.
Here are some of the classic questions that were asked of the Sydney Olympic Committee via their Web site, and the witty answers that go with them. Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK)
A: Upwards, out of the ground, like the person who asked this question, who themselves will need watering if their IQ drops any lower… Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
A: Depends on how much beer youve consumed… Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney – can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, its only three thousand miles, so youll need to have started about a year ago to get there in time for this October… Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden)
A: And accomplish what? Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
A: Why bother? Use your fingers like the rest of us… Q: Do tents exist in Australia? (Germany)
A: Yes, but only in sporting supply stores, peoples garages, and most national parks… Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)
A: Yes. At Christmas. Q: Can I drive to the Great Barrier Reef? (Germany)
A: Sure, if your vehicle is amphibious. Q: Are there killer bees in Australia? (Germany)
A: Not yet, but well see what we can do when you get here. Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: Nope, only on Tuesdays LOL. Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: I love this one…there are no rattlesnakes in Australia. Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
A: Face North and you should be about right. Q: Will I be able to speek English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but youll have to learn it first.
There is a coherent plan in the universe, though I dont know what its a plan for.
Q: What do you do if a blonde throws a grenadeat you?A: Pull the pin and throw it back.