Old and New Jokes

You might be a red neck if you lose your whole filing system every time you use the sun visor in your pickup truck.

A Brit, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of
Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden.

Look at their reserve, their calm, muses the Brit.
They must be British.

Nonsense, the Frenchman disagrees. Theyre naked, and so beautiful.
Clearly, they are French.

No clothes, no shelter, the Russian points out, they have only an apple to eat,
and theyre being told this is paradise. They are definitely Russian!

A small town church had a congregation with many horny women who liked to sleep around. The local preacher was well aware of this and was giving them a stern lecture about their lack of morality, the evils of fornication and committing adultery.

Sin is so commonplace among you ladies Ill be willing to bet five dollars there isnt a single virgin among you. If theres even one, I challenge her to stand up and be recognized.

No sooner had he gotten the words out of his mouth when one of the worst offenders stood up. She was an unwed mother and had a baby girl in her arms.

Sister, said the preacher, I guess you didnt understand what I just said.

Oh yes I did, but you surely dont expect a six months old baby to stand up by herself!

Q: Why do blondes drive BMWs?

A: Because they can spell it.

A Scotsman, American, and an Irishman are in a bar.


They are having a good time and all agree that the bar is a nice place.

Then the Scotsman says, Aye, this is a nice bar, but where I come from, back in Glasgow, theres a better one. At MacDougals, you buy a drink, you buy another drink, and MacDougal himself will buy your third drink!

The others agree that sounds like a good place.

Then the American says, Yeah,thats a nice bar, but where I come from, theres a better one. Over in Brooklyn, theres this place, Vinnys. At Vinnys, you buy a drink, Vinny buys you a drink. You buy another drink, Vinny buys you another drink.

Everyone agrees that sounds like a great bar.

Then the Irishman says, You think thats great? Where I come from in Dublin, theres this place called Murphys. At Murphys, they buy you your first drink, they buy you your second drink, they buy you your third drink, and then, they take you in the back and get you laid!

Wow! say the other two. Thats fantastic! Did that actually happen to you?

No, replies the Irish guy, but it happened to me sister!

Some people just seem to have a lot of luck. A friend of mine is one of those card players who can almost always draw whatever he needs to win a hand in poker, but loses big time at the races.

I asked him about this once and he replied, Well … they wont let me shuffle the horses.

Mildred was a 93 year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband Earl. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death. Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earls old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was so badly broken in the first place. Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become paralyzed, she called her doctors office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be. On a woman, the doctor said, your heart would be just below your left breast. Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her left knee.

Perhaps one of the most interesting and colorful words in the English language today is the word fuck. It is the one magical word, just by its sound can describe pain, pleasure, hate and love. Fuck, as most words in the English language, takes its name from the German word fricken, which means to strike.

Fuck falls into many grammatical categories.

It can be used as a verb, both transitive (John fucked Mary) and intransitive (Mary was fucked by John).

It can be an active verb (John really fucks up) or a passive verb (Mary doesnt really give a fuck), an adverb (Mary is fucking interested in John), and a noun (Mary is a fine fuck).

It can be used as an adjective (Mary is fucking beautiful).

As you can see, there are not many words with the versatility of fuck.

Besides its sexual connotation, this lovely word can be used to describe many situations:

FraudI got fucked at the used car lot.
DismayOh, fuck it!
TroubleI guess Im fucked now.
AggressionFuck you!
PassiveFuck me.
ConfusionWhat the fuck?
DifficultyI cant understand this fucking business.
DespairFucked again.
ApathyWho gives a fuck.
IncompetenceHes all fucked up!
LazinessHes a fuck off.
DispleasureWhat the fuck is going on here?
IgnoranceFuck if I know.
DefianceThe fuck you can!
LostWhere the fuck are we?
AuthorityShut the fuck up.

It can be used in descriptive anatomy – Hes really a fucking asshole.
It can be used to tell time – Its five fucking thirty.
It can be used in business – How did I get this fucking job?
It can be a prediction – Oh, will I get fucked.
It can be maternal – as in Mother Fucker.
It can be nautical – Fuck the Admiral.
It can be political – Fuck Reagan.
It can open the door to wonderful relationships – Lets fuck.
It can be used just to enhance the meaning of a word – as in Beautifuckingful or Terfuckingific.

The mind fairly boggles at the many creative uses. How can anyone be offended when you say Fuck? Use it in your daily speech, it adds to your prestige.

Today, tell someone FUCK YOU.

SOME ADDED QUIPS:

Remember General Custers famous last word:

Where did all those fucking Indians come from?

Also, the last words of the mayor of Hiroshima:

What the fuck was that?

And finally, the immortal words of the captain of the Titanic:

Full speed ahead and fuck the icebergs!

Baxter Conners
Vice President
Company 203
203 Wall St.
New York, NY 10015

Dear Mr. Conners,

Thank you for your letter of February 17th. After careful consideration I regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to offer me employment with your bank.

This year I have been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually large number of rejection letters. With such a varied and promising field of candidates it is impossible for me to accept all refusals.

Despite Company 203s outstanding qualifications and previous experience in rejecting applicants, I find that your rejection does not meet my needs at this time. Therefore I will initiate employment with your firm immediately following graduation. I look forward to seeing you then.

Sincerely,
XXXXXXXX

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Cash!
Cash who?
Cash me if you can!