Old and New Jokes

There were four nuns, who had been together in the same convent all of their
adult years, all having become nuns immediately after leaving high school. Now
in their mid forties, these nuns began to discuss how much of real life they
had missed, and how limited had been their experiences in the real world.
Finally they conceived a plan, to correct this lack of experience, before their
looks were entirely gone. They pooled such savings as they had, borrowed money
from relatives, and all four went on a long weekend junket flight to that ever
popular, world capital of sin, Las Vegas.

As soon as they hit Vegas, the four nuns ditched their habits, and did the
rounds of all the beauty shops, the boutiques, and the shopping malls. All
dolled up, made up, and ready to go, they spent the entire weekend out on the
town in Vegas, having a marvelous time, and catching the red-eye back home
Sunday night.

Monday morning they went to their parish priest, and asked him if he could
hear their confessions that morning, to which the priest replied, Certainly
sisters, just line up here outside the confessional, and Ill hear your
confessions one at a time.

The first nun entered the confessional, beginning her confession as usual,
and then told the priest about her trip to Vegas…

– Father, I have gambled, I have drunk spirits, I have smoked, and I
had a wonderful time. I also touched a mans penis with my left hand.

The priest nearly had heart failure, but slowly he composed himself, and
said to the nun…

– Sister, if you are truly repentant, say three Hail Marys, perform
one act of charity, and dip your left hand in the Holy Water, and you shall be
forgiven.

With that, the first nun left, and second nun entered…

– Father, forgive me, for I have sinned. I have partaken of alcohol,
I have worn make-up, I have used tobacco, and in general I had a terrific time.
Also, I touched a mans penis with my right hand.

The priest was nearly catatonic with this news, but as he recovered, he told
the nun…

– Sister, if you are truly repentant, say three Hail Marys, perform
two acts of charity, and dip your right hand in the Holy Water, and you shall
be forgiven.

The second nun left, and all of a sudden, all hell broke loose outside the
confessional. The priest opened the door to see the last two nuns fighting,
wrestling on the floor, and destroying their clothes and the church in the
process. The priest shouted at them to stop, saying…

– In Heavens name, stop this, you are sisters! There is no need to
fight like this, over anything. I will hear your confessions equally, please
stop this!

One nun was sitting astride the other, throttling the nun on the bottom with
one hand, and hitting her with the other. She stopped in mid swing and said…

– Listen Father,… If you think Im gonna gargle with that Holy
Water, AFTER shes sat in it, youve got another damn think coming!

Q: What’s a Jew’s favorite candy

A: Mazel-toffee

Two bats were out one night looking for blood, but after a few hours of unsuccessful huntingthey decided to go home.In the wee hours of the morning, one of the bats was so hungry he had to go out hunting again.An hour later he came back all covered in blood.

Where did you get that blood ?said the other bat, full of enevy.



Come and Ill show you.So out they went into the night.



See that tree over there?said the bat covered in blood.



Yeah.



Well I didnt!

I went to a bookstore and asked the sales woman, Wheres the self-help section?

She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

In 1994, a New Mexico jury awarded $2.9 million U.S. in damages to 81-year-old
Stella Liebeck who suffered third-degree burns to her legs, groin and buttocks
after spilling a cup of McDonalds coffee on herself. This case inspired an
annual award – The Stella Award – for the most frivolous lawsuit in the U.S.
The ones listed below are clear candidates. All these cases are verging on the
outright ridiculous and yet (in the good old USA) it seems that with the right
attorney, you could win anything!

January 2000: Kathleen Robertson of Austin Texas was awarded
$780,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler
who was running inside a furniture store. The owners of the store were
understandably surprised at the verdict, considering the misbehaving little
so-and-so was Ms. Robertsons son.

June 1998: A 19-year-old Carl Truman of Los Angeles won $74,000
and medical expenses when his neighbour ran over his hand with a Honda Accord.
Mr. Truman apparently didnt notice there was someone at the wheel of the car,
when he was trying to steal his neighbours hubcaps.

October 1998: A Terrence Dickson of Bristol, Pennsylvania was
leaving a house he had just finished robbing by way of the garage. He was not
able to get the garage door to go up since the automatic door opener was
malfunctioning. He couldnt re-enter the house because the door connecting the
house and garage locked when he pulled it shut. The family was on vacation. Mr.
Dickson found himself locked in the garage for eight days. He subsisted on a
case of Pepsi he found, and a large bag of dry dog food. He sued the homeowners
insurance claiming the situation caused him undue mental anguish. The jury
agreed to the tune of half a million dollars.

October 1999: Jerry Williams of Little Rock, Arkansas was awarded
$14,500 and medical expenses after being bitten on the buttocks by his next door
neighbours beagle. The beagle was on a chain in its owners fenced-in yard.
The award was less than sought because the jury felt the dog might have been
just a little provoked at the time by Mr. Williams who was shooting it
repeatedly with a pellet gun.

May 2000: A Philadelphia restaurant was ordered to pay Amber
Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania $113,500 after she slipped on a soft drink and
broke her coccyx. The beverage was on the floor because Ms. Carson threw it at
her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument.

December 1997: Kara Walton of Claymont, Delaware successfully sued
the owner of a night club in a neighbouring city when she fell from the bathroom
window to the floor and knocked out her two front teeth. This occurred while
Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through the window in the ladies room to avoid
paying the $3.50 cover charge. She was awarded $12,000 and dental expenses.

And the winner is: Mr. Merv Grazinski of Oklahoma City. In
November 2000 Mr Grazinski purchased a brand new 32-foot Winnebago motor home.
On his first trip home, having joined the freeway, he set the cruise control at
70 mph and calmly left the drivers seat to go into the back and make himself a
cup of coffee. Not surprisingly the Winnie left the freeway, crashed and
overturned. Mr. Grazinski sued Winnebago for not advising him the handbook that
he couldnt actually do this. He was awarded $1,750,000 plus a new Winnie.
(Winniebago actually changed their handbooks on the back of this court case,
just in case there are any other complete morons buying their vehicles.)

Un tipo de edad madura, era soltero. Un día, sus compañeros de oficina con ánimo de molestarlo le preguntan:

Oiga, ¿qué no le gustan las mujeres?

¡Claro que me gustan! Si no me gustaran ya me habría casado, responde ofendido.

Monica Lewinski goes into her cleaners with a dress to be cleaned. As she enters, she sees that Mr. Lee, (the owner of the cleaners and whom is hard of hearing), is in the back.

She yells, Mr. Lee, Mr. Lee, Its Monica. I have a dress to be cleaned.



Mr. Lee yells, Come again



Monica says, No, it is gravy this time.

Theres this guy whos in the market for a used motorcycle. Always wanted a nice big hog. So hes shopping around, answering ads in the newspaper,and not having much luck. One day he comes across a beautiful classic harley with a for sale sign on it. Upon inspection, he is amazed to find the bike in mint condition. He inquires about it with the owner: This bike is beautiful!! Ill take it. But you gotta tell me how you keep it in such good shape.

Well, says the seller, its pretty simple. Just make sure that if the bike is outside and its going to rain, rub vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain. In fact, since youre buying the bike I wont need my tube of vaseline anymore. Here, you can have it. and he hands the buyer a tube of vaseline.



So the guy buys the bike and off he goes, a happy biker. He takes the bike over to show his girlfriend. Shes ecstatic (being a harley fan). That night, he decides to ride the bike over to his girlfriends parents house. See, its the first time hes going to meet them and figures it will make a big impression. When the couple gets to the house, the girlfriend grabs her boyfriends arm.



Honey, she says, I gotta tell you something about my parents before we go in. When we eat dinner, we dont talk. In fact, the person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes.



No problem, he says. And in they go. The boyfriend is astounded. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the family room, a huge stack of dishes. Piled up the stairs, dirty dishes. In fact, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes.



They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word. As dinner progresses, the boyfriend decides to take advantage of the situation. So he reaches over, grabs his girlfriend, strips her naked, and they make it on the dinner table. Of course no one says a word.



Her Moms gotta good bod…, he thinks. So he grabs his girlfriends Mom and ravishes her right there on the dinner table. Again, no one says a word. Then, the boyfriend notices it starting to rain, he better take care of the motorcycle. He pulls the vaseline from his pocket. The father stands up and shouts:



All right, Ill do the f@(#ing dishes!!

A man was told by his physician that he had only six months to live. Doc, he said, is there anything I can do?

Yes, replied the doctor. First, give all your possessions to the poor. Next, move to a cold-water shack in the backwoods. And then marry a woman with nine young children.

Will this give me more time?

No – but itll be the longest six months of your life!

Theres a Marine, an Airforce Commando, a Navy Seal and a Green Beret sitting around a campfire telling each-other how mean and tough they are.

The Marine says – I can swim 50 miles and bite the head off a live chicken. One Marine is worth 5 other men.

The Airforce Commando says – I can clear runways one-handed and kill a man with my bare hands. One Airforce Commando is worth 10 other men.

The Navy Seal says – Yeah? Well I can dive up to 90 feet without air, and Im an expert in demolitions. One Navy Seal is worth 13 other men.

The Green Beret just sat there all this time saying nothing, stirring the fire with his dick.