Old and New Jokes

A patient says, Doctor, last night I made a Freudian slip. I was having dinner with my mother-in-law and wanted to say: Could you please pass the butter? But instead I said: You silly cow, you have completely ruined my life.

You have your money and your friend,

You loan your money to your friend,

You ask your money from your friend,

You lose your money and your friend.

Make new friends,

But keep the old,

The first are silver

The latter, gold.

Están dos locos en un manicomio.

Cuando salgas de aquí ¿qué es lo primero que harás?

Me compraré un auto ¿y tú?

Una vaca.

¡Ja, qué bonito te vas a ver circulando en las calles con una vaca!

¿Y tú te vas a ver mejor ordeñando un carro?

Slippers!!

I will stop funding special interests = I will fund MY special interest friends, not HIS.I will support (program.) = I will cut funding to (program) after giving a speech about how great it is.I am working for you. = Your tax dollars paid for me to tell you that lie, fool.Were going to take America back! = Were going to yell and scream randomly.

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. — Guitry

A fellow went to the doctor one day and said, Doc, I have a problem. My penis is red.

Doctor replied, Drop your pants, let me take a look. Ummm…yes, no problem, we can have you fixed up in no time, $40.

The fellow was impressed. Told his friend of the experience and that he hadnt been to a doctor for only $40 for quite a spell.

His friend said, Really? I have a similar problem. What doctor did you go to?

So his friend goes to the same doctor and tells him, Doc, George recommended you…youve got to help me. My penis is blue.

Doc asks to take a look. Ah yes… Ummm… Yep, we can take care of it, no problem, $400.

FOUR HUNDRED DOLLARS? Wait a MINUTE! You took care of George for only $40.

Yes, I did. But Georges penis had lipstick on it. Yours has gangrene!

An old women is going up in a lift in a very lavish department store when a young, beautiful woman gets in, smelling of expensive scent.
She turns to the old woman and says arrogantly, Romance by Ralph Lauren, £100 a bottle.Then another young woman gets into the lift. She also turns round to the old woman and says snootily, Chanel No.5, £150 a bottle.A few floors later, the old women has reached her floor. As she gets out, she looks at both women, then turns round, bends over, farts and says, Sprouts, 25p a pound.

Yo mama so fat she stepped on a rainbow and made Skittles.

A first grade teacher explains to her class that she is an American. She asks her students to raise their hands if they were American too. Not really knowing why but wanting to be like their teacher, their hands explode into the air like flashy fireworks. There is, however, one exception. A girl named Kristen has not gone along with the crowd. The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different.

Because I am not an American Kristen replies.

Then, asks the teacher, what are you?

Im a proud Canadian, boasts the little girl.

The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks Kristen why she is a Canadian. Well, my mom and dad are Canadians, so Im a Canadian too. The teacher is now angry. Thats no reason, she says loudly. What if your mom was a moron, and your dad was a moron. What would you be then? A pause, and a smile, Then, says Kristen, Id be an American.