Old and New Jokes

A guy with two black eyes walks into church one Sunday. The priest notices him and is very concerned.
"What happened, my child?"
"I was singing in the choir, Father, and I noticed that the girl in front of me had a wedgie. So I pulled it out, and she punched me in the eye."
"Okay. But how did you get the other black eye?"
"Well, I thought Id done something wrong. So I put her wedgie back."

1. How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes? Both of them.

2. Why did the man cross the road?

He heard the chicken was a slut.

3. Why dont women blink during foreplay?

They dont have time.

4. Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?

They dont stop and ask for directions.

5. How does a man show that he is planning for the future?

He buys two cases of beer.

6. What is the difference between men and government bonds?

The bonds mature.

7. Why are blonde jokes so short?

So men can remember them.

8. Why are married women heavier than single women?

Single women come home, see whats in the fridge and go to bed.

Married women come home, see whats in bed and go to the fridge.

9. Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking?

They all already have boyfriends.

10. What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?

A widow.

The New York Times, among other papers, recently published a new Hubble Space Telescope photograph of distant galaxies colliding.

Of course, astronomers have had pictures of colliding galaxies for quite some time now, but with the vastly improved resolution provided by the Hubble, you can actually see the lawyers rushing to the scene.

Joke found on http://www.ahajokes.com

Se dice que un general del ejército tenia tendencias raras, le gustaba partir nueces con los codos, era gay pues, y llama a un soldado y con el aire marcial del ejército le dice:

Soldado Godínez.

A sus órdenes mi General.

Soldado, le ordeno que me haga el amor

Perdón mi general no le entiendo.

Que le ordeno que me haga el amor o lo encierro 6 meses, por insubordinamiento.

Ante la amenaza de encarcelamiento, el soldado accede y una vez que el General se pone en posición, el soldado saca su arma y se dispone a ejecutar la orden.

Todo va transcurriendo normalmente hasta que el soldado, invadido por la calentura, se pone jacarandoso y le empieza a besar el cuello al General, por lo que el general se levanta rápidamente y le dice:

¡Momentito, soldado, sin mariconerías por favor!

Un alemán, un japonés y un español discuten para ver cual de sus correspondientes países está más avanzado. El japonés dice:

En mi país nació un bebé sin brazos, pero cuando ya tuvo la edad, le implantaron dos, y ya ha ganado dos veces el campeonato de natación.

Salta el alemán y dice:

¡Eso no es nada! en Alemania nació un niño sin piernas. Cuando se hizo mayor, le implantaron dos piernas y ya es campeón de 100 m. lisos.

Entonces el español dice:

Pues en España nació un niño sin cabeza, pero le pusieron un melón como cabeza y un bigote, ¡y ahora ya es presidente!

December 1st

TO: ALL EMPLOYEES

Im happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd at Luigis Open Pit Barbecue. There will be lots of spiked eggnog and a small band playing traditional carols … feel free to sing along. And dont be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus to light the Christmas tree! Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.

Merry Christmas to you and your family.

Patty Lewis – Human Resources Director

December 2nd

TO: ALL EMPLOYEES

In no way was yesterdays memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday that often coincides with Christmas (though unfortunately not this year). However, from now on were calling it our Holiday Party. The same policy applies to employees who are celebrating Kwanzaa at this time. There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas carols sung.

Happy Holidays to you and your family.

Patty Lewis – Human Resources Director

December 3rd

TO: ALL EMPLOYEES

Regarding the anonymous note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, Im happy to accommodate this request, but, dont forget, if I put a sign on the table that reads, AA Only, you wont be anonymous anymore. In addition, forget about the gifts exchange-no gifts will be allowed since the union members feel that $10 is too much money.

Patty Lewis – Human Researchers Director

December 7th

TO: ALL EMPLOYEES

Ive arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women closest to the restrooms. Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with the gay men; each will have their table. Yes, there will be a flower arrangement for the gay mens table. Happy now?

Patty Lewis – Human Racehorses Director

December 9th

TO: ALL EMPLOYEES

People, people-nothing sinister was intended by wanting our CEO to play Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of Santa does happen to be Satan, there is no evil connotation to our own little man in a red suit.

Patty Lewis – Human Ratraces

December 10th

TO: ALL EMPLOYEES

Vegetarians-Ive had it with you people!! Were going to hold this party at Luigis Open Pit whether you like it or not, you can just sit at the table farthest from the grill of death, as you put it, and youll get salad bar only, including hydroponic tomatoes. But, you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. Ive heard them scream. Im hearing them right now. Ha! I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drive drunk and die, you hear me?

The Bitch from Hell!

December 14th

TO: ALL EMPLOYEES

Im sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery from her stress-related illness. Ill continue to forward your cards to her at the sanitarium. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.

Terri Bishop – Acting Human Resources Director

A man has three daughters between the ages of 3 and 7.
The oldest daughter comes up to the father and asks, Dad, why am I named Rose?The father responds by saying Because on the day you were born, a rose petal fell on your head.The next day the middle daughter asked the father, Daddy, why am I called Daisy?The father again responded by saying Because when you were a baby, a daisy petal fell on your head.An hour went by and the youngest daughter was screaming gibberish.The father looked up at her and yelled, Shut up, Brick!

Q: How many efficiency experts does it take to replace a light bulb?
A: None. Efficiency experts replace only dark bulbs.

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.

138. Collect potato chips that you think look like famous people. Find one that looks like your roommate. Burn it, and explain, It had to be done.

A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little boy sees an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole. The grandfather replies, Ill bet you five dollars you cant. Its too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole. The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hair spray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. Then he stuffs the worm back into the hole. The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hair spray and runs into the house.

Thirty minutes later, the grandfather comes back out and hands the little boy another five dollars. The little boy says, Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars. The grandfather replies, I know. Thats from your grandma.