The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
21
Dec
21
Dec
This year, World Standards Day was October 14.
In the US, the day was marked
on October 11.
-Annals of Improbable Research
21
Dec
One afternoon, a man was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the road side. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.
Why are you eating grass? he asked one man.
We dont have any money for food, The poor man replied.
Oh, come along with me then.
But sir, I have a wife with two children!
Bring them along! And you, come with us too! he said to the other man.
But sir, I have a wife with six children! The second man answered.
Bring them as well!
They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limo.
Once underway, one of the poor fellows says, Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you.
The rich man replied, No, you dont understand, the grass at my home is about two meters tall!
20
Dec
El papa Juan Pablo II llega a Cuba y en plena Plaza de la Revolución Fidel Castro decÃa:
Pueblo querido, gracias a mi éste es uno de los paÃses más libres del mundo…
Y el pueblo contestaba, ¡BRAVO BRAVO!
Pero el Papa renegaba, porque no estaba de acuerdo con la polÃtica de Fidel Castro. Entonces llega el turno de hablar al Papa y dice:
Pueblo Cubano, yo les felicito por tener un presidente como éste.
El pueblo contesta ¡BRAVO BRAVO!
Es un hombre tan bueno que tiene la cara como Jesús.
¡BRAVO BRAVO!
Tiene la barba como Jesús.
¡BRAVO BRAVO!
Tiene el cabello como Jesús.
¡BRAVO BRAVO!
¡Entonces que MIERDA esperan para crucificarlo…!
20
Dec
Yo momma so stupid she took the Pepsi challenge and chose Jif.
20
Dec
My mom, who tells me all my best jokes, told me this one:
[Ed: Reportedly appears in July 1991 Playboy, but is also probably older than
that.]
A cop is waiting across the street from a bar parking lot late on a Saturday
night, watching for drunks trying to drive home. After a short wait,
one particularly sad case stumbles out the door, front of his shirt soaked,
bleary-eyed, confused, wandering the parking lot looking for his car.
He locates his car, fumbles for his keys, gets in (bumping his head
in the process) and drives off, bumping the curb on the way.
Of course he doesnt get very far at all before the cop is on him,
and he immediately pulls over. The cop has him step out of the car,
sizes him up, and administers several field sobriety tests, with much
effort (the driver has trouble understanding some of the tests). The
driver fails all the tests miserably: cant touch nose, cant walk
straight, cant stand on one foot, cant recite a speedy alphabet.
The final legal step, of course, is the breathalyzer, so the cop asks
his subject to blow into the tube. Green light. In disbelief, the
cop checks the breathalyzer and has the suspect try again. Another
green light–the guys blood-alcohol level is legal.
All right, says the cop, how can you pass a breath test when youre
so obviously falling-down drunk?
Well, its like this, replies the guy. Im the designated decoy.
20
Dec
There was this very delicate, proper and elegant woman who was planning a family camping vacation in Florida. She wrote to a campground for a reservation.
This woman abhorred what campgrounds refer to as pit toilets (known in West Virginia as outhouses) and wanted to know if the area had bathhouses with flush toilets. She didnt want to write toilet.
Campground guides and brochures use abbreviations for camping facilities and the woman remembered something about B.C. which, she recalled, meant bathroom commode. So, in her letter, she wanted to know if the camping facility had a B.C.
The campground owner was unfamiliar with B.C. He showed the letter to several people. Most were baffled. One knowledgeable camper, however, said he knew what it was. She was referring to a Baptist church. So the campground owner sent the following letter:
Dear Madam,
A B.C. is located 9 miles north of the campground and is capable of seating 250 people at one time. It is located in a beautiful pine grove and is opened on Sundays and Wednesdays.
It is a beautiful structure — red brick and well-kept. My daughter met her husband there.
The last time my wife and I went was six years ago, and it was so crowded we had to stand up the whole time.
It pains me very much not to be able to go more regularly, but is surely not due to lack of desire on my part. As we grow older, it seems to be more of an effort, particularly in the cold weather.
If you decide to come to our campground, perhaps I could go with you the first time you go, sit with you and introduce you to all the other folks. We are a friendly community.
20
Dec
Theres this guy and he lives in the second largest state in America, which is California, and he wants to live in the largest state of America which is Alaska.
So he goes there for a few weeks and decides he wants to become a fully-fledged Alskan, so he goes in this pub to ask a bar man what he has to do to become a fully fledged Alaskan.
The barnabs says First you drink this liter of whisky, then youve got to kill a bear, and find a woman and rape her.
The guy gets confused, so he asked the barman to repeat it.
He comes back a week later beaten to shit.
What happened to you? said the barman.
Im nearly a fully fledged alaskan, all I gotta do now is kill a woman!
19
Dec
Un mango se desprendió del árbol que lo sostenÃa desde que dejó de ser flor. Todos los mangos que estaban en el árbol se empezaron a reÃr del fruto que cayó al suelo. Éste se sacudió su esbelta forma y miró hacia arriba y les gritó a sus compañeros:
¡Inmaduros!
19
Dec
When Nuns are admitted to heaven they go through a special gate and are expected to make one last confession before becoming angels. Several nuns are lined up at this gate waiting to be absolved of their last sins before they are made holy.
And so, says St. Peter, have you ever had any contact with a penis?
Well, says the first nun in line, I did once just touch the tip of one with the tip of my finger.
OK says St. Peter, Dip your finger in the holy water and pass on to heaven.
The next nun admits that well, yes, I did once get carried away and I, You know, sort of massaged one a bit.
OK says St. Peter, Rinse your hand in the holy water and pass into heaven.
Suddenly there is some jostling in the line and one of the nuns is trying to cut in front. Well now, whats going on here? says St. Peter.
Well, your excellency, says the nun who is trying to improve her potion in line, If Im going to have to gargle that stuff, I want to do it before Sister Mary Thomas sticks her ass in it.
How much sin can I get away with? 🙂
RAINY