Old and New Jokes

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain

Three guys found themselves in Hell: Bob, Dave, and Seth. A little confused at their present situation, they were startled to see a door in the wall open, and behind the door was perhaps the ugliest woman they had ever seen. She was 34, dirty, and you could smell her even over the Brimstone.

The voice of the Devil was heard, Bob, you have sinned! You are condemned to spend the rest of eternity in bed with this woman! And Bob was whisked through the door by a group of lesser demons to his torment.

This understandably shook up the other two, and so they both jumped when a second door opened, and they saw an even more disgusting example of womanhood gone wrong. She was over 7 tall, monstrous, covered in thick black hair, and flies circled her.

The voice of the Devil was heard, Dave, you have sinned! You are condemned to spend the rest of eternity in bed with this woman! And Dave, like Bob, was whisked off.

Seth, now alone, felt understandably anxious, and feared the worst when the third door opened. And as the door inched open, he strained to see the figure of … Cindy Crawford! Delighted, Seth jumped up, taking in the sight of this beautiful woman, barely dressed in a skimpy bikini.

Then he heard the voice of the Devil saying: Cindy, you have sinned…

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Donovan!
Donovan who?
Donovan know your own name!

(The PBS American Masters series did a show on Mort Sahl, who had
these anecdotes about Alexander Haig:)

Haig offered Sahl a Cuban cigar, whereupon Sahl wondered how an
anti-communist such as Haig could be supporting Cuba by smoking their
cigars. Haig replied that he preferred to think of it as burning their
crops to the ground.

Sahl and Haig were discussing Henry Kissinger. Sahl mentioned that, of
course, Kissinger could not be the US President since he was not born
in the US. Haig said, no, thats a common misconception, Kissinger was
born in the US. How did he get that accent? asked Sahl. Haig
replied, From never listening to anybody.

A couple of blonde men in a pickup truck drove into a lumberyard.

One of the blonde men walked in the office and said, We need some four-by-twos.

The clerk said, You mean two-by-fours, dont you?

The man said, Ill go check, and went back to the truck. He returned a minute later and said, Yeah, I meant two-by-fours.

Alright. How long do you need them?

The blonde paused for a minute and said, Id better go check. After awhile, he returned to the office and said, A long time. Were gonna build a house.

A little boy wanted Rs.100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened. Then he decided to write GOD a letter requesting the Rs.100

When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to GOD INDIA, they decided to send it to P.M.

The P.M. was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the boy Rs.5.00. P.M. thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.

The little boy was delighted with the Rs.5.00 and sat down to write a thank you note to GOD, which read:

Dear GOD,

Thank you very much for sending the money, however, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Delhi and, as usual, those bastards deducted 95%.

A man is standing at a urinal when he notices that a midget is watching him. Although the little fellow is staring at him intently, the guy doesnt really become uncomfortable until the midget drags a small stepladder up next to him, climbs up, and proceeds to admire his privates at close range.

Wow, comments the midget, those are the nicest balls I have ever seen!

Surprised, yet flattered, the man thanks the midget and starts to move away.

Listen, I know this is a rather strange request, says the little fellow, but I wonder if you would mind if I touch them.

Again the man is rather startled, but seeing no real harm in it, he complies with the request.

The midget reaches out, gets a tight grip on the mans balls, and says loudly,
Okay, hand me your wallet or Ill jump off the ladder.

An Indian chief had three wives, each of whom was pregnant. The first gave birth to a boy. The chief was so elated he built her a teepee made of deer hide. A few days later, the second gave birth, also to a boy. The chief was very happy. He built her a teepee made of antelope hide. The third wife gave birth a few days later, but the chief kept the details a secret. He built this one a two story teepee, made out of a hippopotamus hide. The chief then challenged the tribe to guess what had occurred. Many tried, unsuccessfully. Finally, one young brave declared that the third wife had given birth to twin boys. Correct, said the chief. How did you figure it out? The warrior answered, Its elementary. The value of the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.

Department of Redundancy Department