Whether the cause is a previous night of drinking or a big lunch, the outcome is the same: Farts. Seventy percent of the time, we can dispense freely. The other 30% of the time, such as at work, we have some tough decisions to make. This document is intended to help you in those decisions. Holders – The obvious choice is just plain holding it in. A popular choice among the females and an almost impossible choice for males. I am not in favor of holding, as I believe the medical community has not done enough research about the long-term damage of holding. Really, where does it go if you hold it in? So be forewarned, using this tactic is to be done at your own risk. Desk Jockey – When deciding to release right at your desk, one has many factors to consider:
– Do you have your own office? Feel free to fart at will risk free. After commencing, I highly recommend locking the door and feigning you are not in the office to avoid any unwanted visitors. I also highly recommend against spraying air freshener, as the smell of the freshener is a dead giveaway. Candles are a good alternative solution for the females. – Are you seated at a cubicle or open desk? If so, one has to consider the proximity of the other workers and the density of workers in the area. If it is just you and one other person in the area, there is nowhere to place the blame. If others are fairly distant to you, the smell will dissipate by the time it reaches the others on all but the most egregious of days. There is always the chance of dispensing at higher decibels than anticipated due to the highly unstable nature of farts. In these most unfortunate situations, you will have to use cover up sounds such as scraping your heal on the floor. I recommend practicing making sounds covering a wide range of tones and pitches in anticipation of such an event. Dropping objects such as staplers, binders and tape may not produce a similar sound, but if done in rapid succession could distract others from the initial event. Meetings: – Sometimes the urge strikes at the most inopportune time. Meetings and gas really do not mix. Releasing at a meeting is by far the trickiest of all the situations one could find oneself in. Although I am against holding in general, a meeting may be the time for it. It really depends if you have established baseline farts before the meeting. This will give you a sense of the decibel and scent level of what is to be expected. Warning: Do not ever use a meeting as the place to establish a baseline. Of course none of the above applies if you are meeting with vendors. You have free reign to do whatever you like. Aisle Walker: – Releasing while walking around the office is a popular option. By the time the scent disseminates, you should be nowhere near the scene of the incident. The added benefit is that if the release is done at higher decibels than anticipated, you can break out into an all out sprint thereby fleeing the scene before others even look up to notice. Broom Closet: – One option is to find a broom closet and release inside the closet. The only drawback is explaining why you were in the broom closet if you are caught entering or leaving the closet. I found stashing stationery supplies in the closet provides a nice excuse. People will love you for informing them about the backup stationery supply cabinet. Of course, you then have to find another closet, as your original place will become too risky. And remember, if youre workplace has many open flames, you are on your own.
There was a mine in a small town that completely collapsed. One of the engineers who miraculously survived the disaster went into the local watering hole. The bar was empty except for one lonely soul at the other end of the bar.
Hey bartender said the Engineer, Ill have a beer and pour another one for my friend down at the end there.
The bartender responded, Im sorry sir but that guys a commie and we dont serve his kind around here.
Well, youd better because if it werent for that guy, I wouldnt be here. You remember that mine that caved in, well I was in that mine and so was that guy. When the last of us were escaping, he held the roof of the mine up with his head! So get him a beer and if you dont believe me, look at the top of his head and youll see that its flat from holding the roof up.
The bartender skeptically served the commie his beer and then came back to talk to the Engineer: I saw the flat spot on his head but I also couldnt help noticing the bruising under his chin. What is that all about? the Engineer responded: Oh…thats where we put the jack.
Cooking I: Bringing Back Bacon, Eggs and Butter.
Cooking II: Bran and Tofu are Not For Human Consumption.
Cooking III: How Not to Inflict Your Diets on Other People.
What do you call four Mexicans in quicksand?
Cuatro Cinqo.
Q: How many Kennedys does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: None, at least until we get some corroborating witnesses.
Knock Knock
Whos there?
Jean!
Jean who?
Jeanius – you just dont recognise it!
A wise farmer never milks a bull.
Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when were kids? If youre less than 10 years old, youre so excited about aging that you think in fractions. How old are you?…. Im four and a half ….Youre never 36 and a half….youre four and a half going on five!
Thats the key. You get into your teens, now they cant hold you back. You jump to the next number. How old are you? Im gonna be 16. You could be 12, but youre gonna be 16.
And then the greatest day of your life happens….you become 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony….you BECOME 21…YES!!!
But then you turn 30….ooohhh what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk….He TURNED, we had to throw him out. Theres no fun now.
Whats wrong?? What changed?? You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then youre PUSHING 40…..stay over there, its all slipping away……..
You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, youre PUSHING 40, you REACH 50…..and your dreams are gone.
Then you MAKE IT to 60…..you didnt think youd make it!!!!
So you BECOME 21, you TURN 30, youre PUSHING 40, you REACH 50, you MAKE IT to 60……then you build up so much speed you HIT 70!
After that, its a day by day thing. After that, you HIT Wednesday…. You get into your 80s, you HIT lunch. You TURN 4:30, my grandmother wont even buy green bananas….its an investment you know, and maybe a bad one.
And it doesnt end there….into the 90s you start going backwards…. I was JUST 92…
Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a little kid again…. Im 100 and a half!!!!
This guy was walking through the zoo one day. When he was in front of
the gorilla cage he bent down to tie his shoe. He noticed through the
corner of his eye that the gorilla had also bent down. Then when he stood
back up he saw that the gorilla also stood back up. To see if it was a
coincidence, he bent down to tie his other shoe and once again the gorilla
bent down. He stood up and the gorilla stood up. After glancing over his
shoulder to make sure that nobody else was around, the man jumped up in the
air. And you guessed it, the gorilla jumped up. The man was getting a kick
out of it. He started making faces at the gorilla and the gorilla would
copy everything he did. Finally the man got next to the cage and pulled the
lower lid of his right eye down. At this point the gorilla reached through
the cage pulled the guy in, threw the guy around the cage, and generally
beat the shit out of him, then threw him back out of the cage. After
hearing all the commotion, the zookeeper came running over to the man.
What on earth happened? asked the zookeeper. I dont know said the man.
He seemed calm a second ago. I was jumping around and he was jumping
around and he was doing every thing I was doing. Then all of sudden after I
did this (pulls lower eyelid down) he got all mad and beat the hell out of
me. Well, no wonder!!! exclaimed the zookeeper. That, (pulls lower
eyelid down) means F… YOU in gorilla talk! Oh, said the man, not quite
satisfied.
He left the zoo but returned an hour later with a large shopping
bag. Again, after making sure that no one was watching, he started jumping
around and the gorilla did the same. After a minute or two of this he
grabbed the bag and pulled out two butcher knives and threw one of them
into the cage. He lifted the other knife over his head at which point the
gorilla grabbed his knife and also lifted it over his head. After a minute
of cutting the air with his knife and watching the gorilla do likewise the
man snuck a large salami out of the bag with his other hand and stuck it
between his legs. With a sweeping motion he came down with the knife and
whacked off the salami WHACK!!!
At this, the gorilla simply looked at the
man and pulled down his lower eyelid.
After many long and fruitful years, ex-President George Bush dies and goes to Heaven. Within the first few months of eternity, he finds Moses walking the streets of gold. Thinking to himself: It would be interesting to compare notes, head-of-state to head-of-state. he approaches Moses. Moses sees him coming, turns white and runs the other way! Puzzled by this reaction, George goes on his way in paradise. A few hundred years pass, and George Bush again sees Moses walking the streets of Gold. This time he is able to stand right beside Moses before Moses notices him. George asks: Why did you run away from me the first time we saw each other? All I wanted to do was discuss the aspects of being head-of-state with you. Moses replies: Well, the last time I spoke to a Bush, I wound up spending 40 years in the wilderness!