Old and New Jokes

Están dos madres y una le dice a la otra:

Oye, dile a tu hija que me deje de estar imitando.

¡Niña! ¡Deja de hacerte la idiota!

Two lawyers were walking along negotiating a case.



Look, said one, lets be honest with each other.



Okay, you first, replied the other.



That was the end of the discussion.

At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked a witness. Isnt it true, he bellowed, that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?

The witness stared out the window, as though he hadnt heard the question.



Isnt it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case? the lawyer repeated.



The witness still did not respond.



Finally, the judge leaned over and said, Sir, please answer the question.



Oh, the startled witness said, I thought he was talking to you.

A beautiful, voluptuous woman goes to the gynecologist. The doctor takes one look at the woman and all of his professionalism goes out the window. He immediately asks her to undress. After she has disrobed, the doctor begins stroking her thigh.

Do you know what I?m doing? he asks.

Yes, she replies. You?re checking for any abrasions or abnormalities.

That?s right, says the doctor. Emboldened, he then begins to fondle her breasts. Do you know what I?m doing now?

You?re checking for any lumps or breast cancer, she replies.

Correct, says the doctor. Deciding to go for broke, he mounts her and begins having sex with her. Do you know what I?m doing now?

Yes, she says. You?re getting herpes?which is why I came here in the first place.

Whats the smartest thing thats ever came from a females mouth? einstiens cock.

An <ethnic> couple decided to stay at a very exclusive, WASP only
hotel for a night. The manager immediately recognized them for
what they are but could not throw them out, instead he decided
to be clever. In the morning the couple came to settle the bill
and were surprised to find they owe $3000.

Hows this? Weve only been here one night! the man was annoyed.

So? said the manager, This is a very expensive hotel. We have
golf courts, tennis courts, swimming pools, exercise rooms, bars
and restaurants, all this is very expensive to keep up.

But we didnt use any of these! explained the couple.

If you didnt use–thats your problem, came the reply.

In that case, you owe me $2000. You see, my wife is a call girl
who charges $5000 a night, so please settle your bill, said the
man.

What do you mean? the manager was taken off guard, I didnt
sleep with your wife!

If you didnt use–thats your problem!

Alexander Pruss, at one of: Department of Applied Mathematics,
Astronomy, Mathematics, or Physics / University of Western Ontario

A guy has been suffering from severe headaches for years with no relief. After trying all the usual cures hes referred to a headache specialist by his family doctor. The doctor asks him what his symptoms are and he replies.

I get these blinding headaches; kind of like a knife across my scalp and….

He is interrupted by the doctor, And a heavy throbbing right behind the left ear.

Yes! Exactly! How did you know?

Well I am the worlds greatest headache specialist, you know. But I myself suffered from that same type of headache for many years. It is caused by a tension in the scalp muscles. This is how I cured it: Every day I would give my wife oral sex. When she came she would squeeze her legs together with all her strength and the pressure would relieve the tension in my head. Try that every day for two weeks and come back and let me know how it goes.

Two weeks go by and the man is back, Well, how do you feel?

Doc, Im a new man! I feel great! I havent had a headache since I started this treatment! I cant thank you enough. And, by the way you have a lovely home.

I was flying from San Francisco to Los Angeles. By the time we took off, there had been a 45-minute delay and everybody on board was ticked.

Unexpectedly, we stopped in Sacramento on the way. The flight attendant explained that there would be another 45-minute delay, and if we wanted to get off the aircraft, we would reboard in 30 minutes.

Everybody got off the plane except one gentleman who was blind. I noticed him as I walked by and could tell he had flown before because his Seeing Eye dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of him throughout the entire flight.

I could also tell he had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached him and, calling him by name, said, Keith, were in Sacramento for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?

Keith replied, No thanks, but maybe my dog would like to stretch his legs.

Picture this All the people in the gate area came to a completely quiet standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with the Seeing Eye dog!

The pilot was even wearing sunglasses. People scattered. They not only tried to change planes, they also were trying to change airlines!

He didnt realize it was the umbilical cord.

After spending time with Eve, Adam was walking in the Garden with God. Adam told God how much the woman means to him and how blessed he feels to have her. Adam began to ask questions about her. Adam: Lord, Eve is beautiful. Why did you make her so beautiful? God: So you will always want to look at her. Adam: Lord, her skin is so soft. Why did you make her skin so soft? God: So you will always want to touch her. Adam: She always smells so good. Lord, why did you make her smell so good? God: So you will always want to be near her.Adam: Thats wonderful Lord, and I dont want to seem ungrateful, but why did you make her so stupid? God: So she would love you.