Old and New Jokes

A teacher was working with a group of children, trying to broaden their horizons through sensory exploration. With their eyes closed, they would feel objects from pumice stones to pine cones and smell aromatic herbs and exotic fruits. Then one day, the teacher brought in a great variety of lifesavers, more flavors than you could ever imagine.

Children, Id like you to close your eyes and taste these, announced the teacher. Without difficulty, they managed to identify the taste of cherries, lemons and mint but when the teacher had them put honey flavored lifesavers in their mouths, every one of the children was stumped.

Ill give you a hint, said the teacher.

Its something your Daddy and Mommy probably call each other all the time.

Instantly, one of the children spat the lifesaver out of hi mouth and shouted, Spit em out, you guys, theyre assholes!

Outside of a dog, a book is a mans best friend.

Inside of a dog its too dark to read.

– Groucho Mark

You cant be real. May I pinch you to see if Im dreaming?

Hey, didnt we go to different high schools?

Theres so much to say but your eyes keep interrupting me.

If I could rearrange the alphabet, Id put U and I together.

At last! I finally found the perfect girl!

A fool and his money are soon my boyfriend.

Do your legs hurt from running in my dreams all night?

Is it hot in here or is it just you?

If I follow you home, will you keep me?

The best way to hold a man is in your arms.

If I told you you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?

If love is the answer…can you repeat the question?

Im writing a telephone book. May I have your number?

Flattery will get you everywhere! Keep talking.

I know Im not Mr. Right, but would you settle for Mr. Right Now?

But youre so *cute* when you blush!

All those curves, and me with no brakes.

I dont approve of your objectives, but I love your methods.

Please be patient–this is my first time.

May we kiss those we please, and please those we kiss.

Bits make bytes, but nibbles turn me on.

Nothing says I love you better than six hours of nonstop sex.

A person can be poor at history, but great on dates.

A curved line is the loveliest distance between two points.

I only like two kinds of girls–domestic and imported.

If only women came with pull-down menus and on-line help!

I can read you like a book, but I keep forgetting my place.

Didnt I meet you in some other hallucination?

Be good and youll be lonely.

The best things in life are ME!

I just naturally respect pretty girls in tight-fitting sweaters.

I used to be a terrible flirt. Im much better at it now.

I dont dance. But Id love to hold you while you do.

Clothes arent sexy. Women are.

I cant whistle at my girlfriend…she leaves me breathless!

Any man who can see through women is sure missing a lot.

I feel great! And I dont kiss badly either!

BITCH also stands for: Beautiful, Intelligent, Talented and Charming Human being!

A guy is sitting at a bar, throwing back glass after glass of scotch. The bartender, a little worried, asks him if hes okay.

No, Im not, the guy replies.

I just caught my wife in bed with my best friend.

Well, asks the bartender, what did you say to your wife?

Nothing. Im not speaking to that bitch anymore.

Well, what did you say to your best friend?

BAD DOG! BAD DOG!

Yo mama so fat she put on high heels and they became sandals.

A young woman dressed in shorts had been taking golf lessons. She had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting. Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for help … and to complain. Her golf pro saw her come into the clubhouse and asked, Why are you back in so early? Whats wrong? I was stung by a bee, she said
Where?, he asked.
Between the first and second hole, she replied.
He nodded knowingly and said, Then your stance is too wide.

A man and a woman are in a hotel and are about to have sex. They already have all of their clothes off and are in the bed when the woman says, I want a pack of cigarettes.

The man says, You want a pack of cigarettes… before? She says, Ya, Ill concentrate better if I have a smoke.

The man says, OK, and goes to get a pack of cigarettes. He doesnt think to get dressed because it is so late. He goes to the cigarette machine and decides to buy two packs just in case. He starts heading back to his room when he sees three nuns. He poses as a statue and hopes theyll pass by.

The nuns come over to him and since they had never seen a naked man they thought he was a vending machine. The first nun searches for the trigger mechanism and pulls his johnson. Startled, he drops a pack of cigarettes. The second nun does the same and he drops the other pack of cigarettes. When the third nun executes the maneuver she says, Look girls it has lotion, too!

En una ocasión, en la selva, el rey león decidió hacer una fiesta diciendo que a la medianoche todos tenían que hacer el amor con la pareja que estuvieran bailando. A las doce en punto, el rey león da la orden y todos se van a hacer el amor.

Al otro día todos se juntan para platicar su historia. Pero un changuito se queda callado mientras los otros hablaban. Entonces, le pregunta el tigre:

Eh, ¿tú porque no hablas?

No, pinches fiestas culeras que hacen.

¿Por qué?

Pues yo a la media noche estaba bailando con la jirafa, y entre dame un beso y agárrame las nalgas se me fue toda la noche.

Once upon a time, in a land far, far away, there were two evil friars living outside this small village. The friars had tried unsuccessfully to overtake and capture the town, but finally this time, they believed they had hit upon a foolproof scheme that would allow them to rule the village. They had, through mad scientist experiments in their floral shop, come up with a plant that would devour the townspeople one by one until none were left. They set forth to put their plan into action by planting the man-eating plants so they encircled the village.

As the plants rapidly grew, they began devouring everything living in their path. The townspeople grew frightened; who or what would save them from their eminent doom? Finally, the towns elder remember Hugh, a woodcutter who lived on the outskirts of town. Frantically, the townspeople penned a desperate plea for help, tied it to the leg of a pigeon, and directed the bird toward Hughs cabin.

Meanwhile, outside of town, Hugh had received the note from the townspeople, and realizing they were in grave danger, set forth to do what he needed to do. He honed his mightiest axe to razor-sharpness, grabbed his hat, and off he went.

Chopping his way through the dense vines, he single-handedly destroyed the carnivorous plants one by one, until all were destroyed. Then he set out to rid the village of the evil friars, chasing them out of town. The town was saved!!! The people rejoiced and knighted Hugh for his brave and timely efforts to save the village!!!

And the moral of the story is:

Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

1. I can see your point, but I still think youre full of shit.
2. I dont know what your problem is, but Ill bet its hard to pronounce.
3. How about never? Is never good for you?
4. I see youve set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
5. Im really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.
6. Ill try being nicer if youll try being smarter.
7. Im out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message..
8. I dont work here. Im a consultant.
9. It sounds like English, but I cant understand a word youre saying.
10. Ahhh…I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again…
11. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
13. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just dont give a damn.
14. Im already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
16. Thank you. Were all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
17. The fact that no one understands you doesnt mean youre an artist.
18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
20. Im not being rude. Youre just insignificant.
21. Its a thankless job, but Ive got a lot of Karma to burn off.
22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
23. And your crybaby whiny-butt opinion would be…?
24. Do I look like a people person?
25. This isnt an office. Its Hell with fluorescent lighting.
26. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
27. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
28. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
29. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
30. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
31. Im trying to imagine you with a personality.
32. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
33. Can I trade this job for whats behind door #1?
34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
35. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
36. Chaos, panic, & disorder – my work here is done.
37. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
38. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted pay checks.