Old and New Jokes

After a laborious two-week criminal trial in a very high profile bank robbery case, the jury finally ended its 14 hours of deliberations and entered the courtroom to deliver its verdict to the judge. The judge turns to the jury foreman and asks,

Has the jury reached a verdict in this case?

Yes we have, your honor, the foreman responded.

Would you please pass it to me,

The judge declared, as he motioned for the bailiff to retrieve the verdict slip from the foreman and deliver it to him.

After the judge reads the verdict himself, he delivers the verdict slip back to his bailiff to be returned to the foreman and instructs the foreman, Please read your verdict to the court.

We find the defendant NOT GUILTY of all four counts of bank robbery, stated the foreman.

The family and friends of the defendant jump for joy at the sound of the not guilty verdict and hug each other as they shout expressions of divine gratitude. The defendants attorney turns to his client and asks,

So, what do you think about that?

The defendant looks around the courtroom slowly with a bewildered look on his face and then turns to his defense attorney and says,

Im real confused here. Does this mean that I have to give all the money back?

Sucede que un marcianito va con su papá viajando por el espacio. Se van acercando a la Tierra y el extraterrestre le dice asustado a su papá:

Papá, papá, ¿qué es eso?

Ah, hijito, eso es un satélite.

¿Y de dónde es?

De Rusia, hijito.

¿Y cómo sabes eso?

Porque dice URSS.

¡Oh!

Pasa un rato, y de nuevo el alienígena:

Papá, papá, ¿qué es eso?

Ese es otro satélite, hijito.

¿Y de dónde es?

De Estados Unidos, hijito.

¿Y cómo sabes?

Porque dice USA.

¡Oh!

Y más tarde de nuevo:

¡Papá, papá mira otro satélite!

Sí, efectivamente es otro satélite.

¿Y de dónde es éste?

De México, hijito.

¿Y cómo sabes?

Pues porque dice: Puto el que lo lea.

How many lawyers does it take to shingle a roof?



3 1/2 if you slice em right.

My client(sponsor/customer) doesnt know what he wants.

Your shuttle craft has been up on blocks for over a month.You paint flames and a NRA sticker on the warp nacelles.You have a shuttle called Billy Joe BobYou refer to Klingons as CrittersYou refer to Photon Torpedoes as PopgunsYou have the sensor array repaired with a bent coat hanger and aluminum foil.You install a set of bullhorns on the front of the saucer section.You say Got your ears on, good buddy instead of open hailing frequencies.You hang fuzzy dice over the view screen.You rewire your communicator into your belt buckle.You keep a six-pack under your command chair and a gun rack above it.You say Yee-Ha! instead of Engage
You have a hand-tooled holster for your phaser.You insist on calling your executive officer Bubba.You set the fore view screen to reruns of Bassmaster.You program the food replicator for beer, ribs, and turnip greens.You paint the starship John Deere green.You refer to a Pulsar as a Blue Light Special.You refer to the Mutara Nebula as a swamp.Your moonshine is stronger than Romulan Ale.Your idea of dress uniform is CLEAN bib overallsYou set phaser to Cajun.

Manolo se encuentra a un amigo en una plaza y le dice:

Me he ganado 300 dólares, en un concurso de adivinanzas, y como yo soy tan bueno para eso…

No me digas! Te apuesto 60 dólares a que no me adivinas esto: ¿Qué cosa comienza por U, termina en O y siempre anda en el suelo?

¡No sé, toma tu dinero!

La respuesta era: Un zapato.

Está bien, pero te apuesto otros 60 dólares a que te adivino otra.

Bueno: ¿Qué cosa comienza con D, termina en S y siempre anda por el suelo?

¡Toma tu maldito dinero! ¡No sé!

Dos zapatos, jejeje. Pero mira, no me quiero aprovechar de tu inocencia, adivíname esta y te devolveré tu dinero, si no, deberás darme 120 dólares.

De acuerdo.

¿Qué cosa es ovalada, tiene una clara y una yema, lo ponen las gallinas, lo comes frito en el desayuno, comienza por H y termina en O?

Esta sí no me la ganas. ¡Tres zapatos!

Biology is the only sceince in which multiplication
means the same thing as division.

Ed finally decides to take a vacation. He books himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeds to have the time of his life –until the boat sank. He found himself swept up on the shore of an island with no other people, no supplies…nothing… only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to him. In disbelief, he asks her, Where did you come from? How did you get here?

I rowed from the other side of the island, she says. I landed here when my cruise ship sank.

Amazing, he says. You were really lucky to have a rowboat wash up with you.

Oh, this? replies the woman. I made the rowboat out of raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm branches. And the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree.

But, but, thats impossible, stutters Ed. You had no tools or hardware. How did you manage?

Oh, that was no problem, replies the woman. On the south side of the island, there is a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed. I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware. Ed is stunned. Lets row over to my place, she says.

After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As Ed looks onto shore, he nearly falls out of the boat. Before him is a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, he could only stare ahead, dumbstruck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, Its not much, but I call it home. Sit down please. Would you like to have a drink?

No, no, thank you. he says, still dazed. Cant take any more coconut juice. Its not coconut juice, the woman replies. How about a Pina Colada?

Tr

A dumb Blonde died and went to Heaven. When she got to the Pearly Gates, she met Saint Peter who said, Before you get to come into Heaven, you have to pass a test.

Oh, No! she said but Saint Peter said not to worry hed make it easy.

Who was Gods son? said Saint Peter.

The dumb Blonde thought for a few minutes and said, Andy!

Thats interesting. . . What made you say that? said Saint Peter

Then She started to sing: Andy walks with me! Andy talks with me! Andy tells me. . .

Two guys are out hunting and the one stops to take a pee and while he has his penis out he gets bit on the head of his penis by a snake.

The other hunter takes out his cell phone to call his family doctor to ask what he should do for his friend.

The doctor replies, make a small incision between the two fang marks and suck the poison out and then take him to the hospital for further treatment.

The hunter that was bitten asked his friend what the doctor said and the other hunter replied youre gonna die.