A
teacher asks her class, If there are 5 birds sitting
on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will
be left? She calls on little Johnny.
None, they all fly away with the first gunshot.
The teacher replies, The correct answer is 4, but
I like your thinking. Then Little Johnny says, I
have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting
on a bench having ice cream. One is delicately licking
the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second
is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The
third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which
one is married?
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies, Well
I suppose the one thats gobbled down the top and
sucked the cone.
The correct answer is the one with the wedding
ring on…but I like your thinking.
Yo mama so fat she cant reach her back pocket.
There was these three kids and there mother.They decided to bake a cake. The older son came in and pored bbs in the cake mix on accident. After the cake was done they ate it right up. 1 hour later the 1st little boy came to his mom and said mom I pee-peed out bbs.But she did not know what he was talking about. Then here came the 2nd little boy and he done the same thing. Then the third boy came in crying. His mom said whats the problem, he said when I was outside jacking off I shot the neighbors dog.
There were three Eskimos in Alaska, and one time while they were at their local bar, they got to talking about how cold it was outside, and how cold their igloos were. They could agree on everything but whose igloo was the coldest, so they decided to determine who indeed had the coldest igloo.
They went to the first Eskimos igloo, where he said Watch this! and poured a cup of water into the air. Well, the water froze in mid-air and fell onto the floor solid. Not bad, said the other Eskimos, but each maintained their igloo was colder still.
So they went to the second Eskimos igloo, and he said Watch this! and took a big breath and exhaled, whereupon his breath froze into a big lump and fell to the floor. Wow, thats colder than mine! said the first Eskimo.
But the third Eskimo exclaimed his was colder still. So they ended up at the third Eskimos igloo. He said Watch this! and went into the bedroom, threw back the thick furs, and retrieved one of several small balls of ice there. He took it, put it in a spoon, and held a match under it.
When it heated up enough, it went FFFAAAARRRRTTT.
Patient: Doctor, I keep thinking that Im a deck of cards!
Psychiatrist: Sit over there and Ill deal with you later!
My daughter Louise says: (nwod esion taht nruT) If the religious fundies
are so worried about (trohs oot si triks tahT) Satanic backward masked
messages being inserted into pop records, why (moor ruoy ydiT) dont
they make up their own books, pop records, television programmes
(kcolco net erofeb ereh kcab eB) and Usenet jokes and put their own
backward (dehsinif krowemoh ruoy teG) masked messages into them?
Things Dogs Must Remember…
I will not play tug-of-war with Dads underwear when hes on the toilet.
The garbage collector is NOT stealing our stuff.
I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when Im lying under the coffee table.
I will not roll my toys behind the fridge.
I must shake the rainwater out of my fur BEFORE entering the house.
I will not eat the cats food, before or after they eat it.
I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of clean carpet in the house when I am about to throw up.
I will not throw up in the car.
I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc.
I will not lick my humans face after eating animal poop.
Kitty box crunchies are not food.
I will not eat any more socks and then redeposit them in the backyard after processing.
The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.
I will not wake Mommy up by sticking my cold, wet nose up her bottom end.
I will not chew my humans toothbrush and not tell them.
I will not chew crayons or pens, especially not the red ones, or my people will think I am hemorrhaging.
When in the car, I will not insist on having the window rolled down when its raining outside.
We do not have a doorbell. I will not bark each time I hear one on TV.
I will not steal my Moms underwear and dance all over the back yard with it.
The sofa is not a face towel. Neither are Mom & Dads laps.
My head does not belong in the refrigerator.
I will not bite the officers hand when he reaches in for Moms drivers license and car registration.
Knock Knock
Whos there?
Max!
Max who?
Max no difference. Open the door!
Q: Why didnt the math student get the new car?
A: Because he couldnt find anybody to cosine.
Why did the moron throw the butter out the window?
He wanted to see a butterfly.