Old and New Jokes

Q: How many mathematicians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: One. He gives it to six Oregonians, thereby simplifying the problem to the previous question.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Prussia!
Prussia who?
Prussia cooker!

When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last.

What is the difference between Bill Clinton and a screwdriver?

One turns in screws…

The other screws interns!

When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why
youre just sitting there, staring at carpeting?

Two guys, of limited intelligence, were on a ship that sank in the middle of the ocean. They managed to inflate a rubber life raft and grab a box of provisions before their ship slipped under the surface.

After floating under blazing heat, for 6 days, they ran out of food and water. On the 10th day, bleary eyed and half dead from heat, thirst and starvation, they spotted a small object floating toward them in the water. As it drew near, they were ecstatic to find that it was an old oil lamp (the kind that genies come in).

They grabbed the lamp and rubbed it. Out popped a tired old genie who said, OK, so you freed me from the stupid lamp, but hey, Ive been doing this 3-wishes stuff for a while now and quite frankly, Im burned out. You guys only get 1 wish and then Im outta here. Make it a good one.

The first guy, blurted out, without thinking, Give us all the beer we can drink for the rest of our lives! Fine, said the genie, and he instantly turned the entire ocean to beer.

Great move, Einstein, said the second guy, slapping the first guy in the side of the head. Now were gonna have to piss in the boat.

You might be a redneck if you high school fight song was Dueling Banjos!

La prostituta novata acaba de terminar su primer trabajo. Cuando bajó a la calle, las demás veteranas se juntaron a su alrededor para oír los detalles.

Era un marinero musculoso y muy guapo, cuenta la chica.

¿Y qué servicio quería?, corean las otras.

Bueno, le dije que una acostada le salía en 500 pesos, pero dijo que no traía tanto dinero, así que le dije que una mamada le costaría 200 pesos, pero me contestó que tampoco traía esa cantidad. Finalmente le pregunté que cuanto traía, y me dijo que sólo traía 100 pesos, de modo que le dije que por ese dinero todo lo que le podía hacer era un trabajo manual. Él estuvo de acuerdo y después de que me dio el dinero, puse manos a la obra: él se sacó el pito y le puse la mano derecha encima. Entonces, le puse la izquierda encima de la otra… ¡Oh, Dios mío!, suspiró la novata. Hizo una pausa y entornando los ojitos continuó: Entonces puse la derecha encima de la izquierda…

¡Jesús!, exclamaron todas. ¿Y luego qué hiciste?

¡Le presté 400 pesos!

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated: If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 mi/gal.



Recently General Motors addressed this comment by releasing the statement:

Yes, but would you want your car to crash twice a day?

He turned his life around.

He used to be depressed and miserable.

Now hes miserable and depressed.