Old and New Jokes

Hi. Im Mike. Id like to (sex) tell you about some weird psychological phenomenon (sleep with me) that has been in the media forefront (Im your love slave) in the past few years. Im talking about subliminal suggestion.

Subliminal suggestion (buy me a car) is a technique in which the subconscious is made aware of a concept by having it exposed (and a stereo) to them too fast or in a way the the conscious mind can pick (you want me) up. Thus, the person so suggested (my room 8PM tonite) finds himself doing something that he ordinarily wouldnt do (bring clean sheets).

This technique was often seen being used (Ill get the champagne) in movie theatres, where one frame of a film would have a message like Buy the popcorn. (and the condoms). This one frame goes by so fast the the conscious mind cant possibly assimilate it (I have incredible stamina), but many believe that the subconscious picks it up and causes the mind (I really want you) to act on it.

Does it really (all night is not out of the question) work? Who knows … (and we can bring the stuffed animals and the jello and the peanut butter and the nylon rope and watch I Love Lucy reruns and do things that theyll have to invent new names for when were done and then we can sleep for 3 hours and do it all again) The jury is still out on that one.

Thanks for your time and patience.

Q: Why does Scrooge love Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer?
A: Because every buck is dear to him.

Two monologues do not make a dialogue.

A waste.

During a fight, a husband threw a bowl of Jello at his wife.

She had him arrested for carrying a congealed weapon!

You should not attempt these things during an actual exam. The following is meant for entertainment purposes only.

41. One word: Wrestlemania.

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft

Are you considering having children? To determine whether you are truly prepared for the experience, we suggest you take this set of simple tests…MESS TEST:Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Now rub your hands in the wet flower bed and rub on the walls. Cover the stains with crayons. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.TOY TEST:Obtain a 55-gallon box of Legos. (If Legos are not available, you may substitute roofing tacks or broken bottles.) Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream (this could wake a child at night).GROCERY STORE TEST:Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you shop at the grocery store. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.DRESSING TEST:Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag making sure that all arms stay inside.FEEDING TEST:Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend from the ceiling with a stout cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal (such as Fruit Loops or Cheerios) into the mouth of the jug while pretending to be an airplane. Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor.NIGHT TEST:Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8 to 12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 8:00 PM begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9:00 PM. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00 PM. Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing these too until 4:00 AM. Set alarm for 5:00 AM. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for five years. Look cheerful.PHYSICAL TEST (WOMEN)Obtain a large beanbag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Now remove 10% of the beans.PHYSICAL TEST (MEN):Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to the head office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to the store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time.FINAL ASSIGNMENT:Find a couple who already have a small child. Lecture them on how they can improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training, and childs table manners. Suggest many ways they can improve. Emphasize to them that they should never allow their children to run riot. Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time you will have all the answers.

A lady lost her handbag during a day of shopping. It was found by an honest little boy and returned to her. Looking in her purse, she commented, Hmmm…. Thats funny. When I lost my bag there was a $20 bill in it. Now there are twenty singles. The boy quickly replied, Thats right, lady. The last time I found a ladys purse, she didnt have change for a reward.

On the first day of Christmas my puppy gave to me,

The Santa topper from the Christmas tree.

On the second day of Christmas my puppy gave to me,

Two leaking bubble lights,

And the Santa topper from the Christmas tree.

On the third day of Christmas my puppy gave to me,

Three punctured ornaments,

Two leaking bubble lights,

And the Santa topper from the Christmas tree.

On the fourth day of Christmas my puppy gave to me,

Four broken window candles,

Three punctured ornaments,

Two leaking bubble lights,

And the Santa topper from the Christmas tree.

On the fifth day of Christmas my puppy gave to me,

Five chewed-up stockings,

Four broken window candles,

Three punctured ornaments,

Two leaking bubble lights,

And the Santa topper from the Christmas tree.

On the sixth day of Christmas my puppy gave to me,

Six yards of soggy ribbon,

Five chewed-up stockings,

Four broken window candles,

Three punctured ornaments,

Two leaking bubble lights,

And the Santa topper from the Christmas tree.

On the seventh day of Christmas my puppy gave to me,

Seven scraps of wrapping paper,

Six yards of soggy ribbon,

Five chewed-up stockings,

Four broken window candles,

Three punctured ornaments,

Two leaking bubble lights,

And the Santa topper from the Christmas tree.

On the eighth day of Christmas my puppy gave to me,

Eight tiny reindeer fragments,

Seven scraps of wrapping paper,

Six yards of soggy ribbon,

Five chewed-up stockings,

Four broken window candles,

Three punctured ornaments,

Two leaking bubble lights,

And the Santa topper from the Christmas tree.

On the ninth day of Christmas my puppy gave to me,

My wreath in nine pieces,

Eight tiny reindeer fragments,

Seven scraps of wrapping paper,

Six yards of soggy ribbon,

Five chewed-up stockings,

Four broken window candles,

Three punctured ornaments,

Two leaking bubble lights,

And the Santa topper from the Christmas tree.

On the tenth day of Christmas my puppy gave to me,

Ten Christmas cards I shoulda mailed,

My wreath in nine pieces,

Eight tiny reindeer fragments,

Seven scraps of wrapping paper,

Six yards of soggy ribbon,

Five chewed-up stockings,

Four broken window candles,

Three punctured ornaments,

Two leaking bubble lights,

And the Santa topper from the Christmas tree.

On the eleventh day of Christmas my puppy gave to me,

Eleven unwrapped presents,

Ten Christmas cards I shoulda mailed,

My wreath in nine pieces,

Eight tiny reindeer fragments,

Seven scraps of wrapping paper,

Six yards of soggy ribbon,

Five chewed-up stockings,

Four broken window candles,

Three punctured ornaments,

Two leaking bubble lights,

And the Santa topper from the Christmas tree.

On the twelfth day of Christmas my puppy gave to me,

A dozen puppy kisses…

And I forgot all about the other eleven days.