Farmer Joe decided his injuries from his recent accident were serious enough to take the trucking company responsible for the accident to court. In court, the trucking companys fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe.
Didnt you say, at the scene of the accident, that you were fine?
Well, Ill tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the–
I didnt ask for any details, the lawyer interrupted. Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, that you were fine?
Well I had just got Bessie into the trailer and was driving down the road–
Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question. By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joes answer and told the lawyer so.
Well, said the farmer, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didnt want to move. However, I could hear ol Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me. He said, Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?
Bill Clinton, Al Gore, and George W. Bush died and found themselves standing on the other side of the Jordan River, looking across at the promised land. The Archangel Michael was standing on the other side and shouted over to the three surprised Americans, Contrary to what you have been taught, each of you will have to wade across the Jordan River. As Michael saw their perplexed looks, he reassured them by saying, Dont worry. You will sink only proportionally according to your sins on earth. The more you have sinned, the more you will sink into the water.The three American sages of political lore looked at one another, trying to determine who would be the first brave soul to cross the Jordan River.Finally, George W. Bush volunteered to go first. Slowly he began to wade out into the river, and slowly the water began to get higher and higher, reaching to his waist. George began to sweat, thinking that all of his sins were coming back to haunt him. He was beginning to wonder if he would ever see the other side. Finally, after what seemed like an eternity, he began to emerge on the rivers bank. As he ascended to the other side, he looked behind him to see which one of the other brave souls was going next. A shock of surprise registered on his face, as he saw Al Gore almost in the middle of the river and only his ankles barely touching the water!He turned to Michael and exclaimed, I know Al Gore. Al Gore is a friend of mine and he has sinned much, much more than that!Archangel Michael replied, Hes standing on Clintons shoulders.
A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an
animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first,
but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the
following:
Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come
once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee
twice. Then I coma one lasta time.
You foul-mouthed swine, retorts the lady indignantly. In this country we
dont talk about our sex lives in public!
Hey, coola down lady, says the man. Who talkin abouta sexa? Im a justa
tellin my frienda how to spella Mississippi.
One evening, a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leaves her, hoping she will be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden. She seems O.K. but after a while she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up. Again, she seems O.K. but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright. This goes on all morning. Later, the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home. "So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?" they ask. "Its pretty nice" she replies. "Except they wont let you fart."
Q: What are raging hormones?
A: Thats the sound an angry prostitute makes.
– Sparky
One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in tiny Jonestown wakes up early and goes to their local church. Before the service starts, the townspeople sit in their pews and talk about their lives, their families, etc.
Suddenly, at the altar, Satan appears!! Everyone starts screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in their determined efforts to get away from Evil Incarnate.
Soon, everyone is evacuated from the church except for one man, who sits calmly in his pew, seemingly oblivious to the fact that Gods ultimate enemy is in his presence. This confuses Satan a bit.
Satan walks up to the man and says, Hey, dont you know who I am?
The man says, Yep, sure do.
Satan says, Well, arent you afraid of me?
The man says, Nope, sure aint.
Satan, perturbed, says, And why arent you afraid of me?
The man says, Well, Ive been married to your sister for 25 years.
There was a Rabbi whose wife was expecting a baby.
The Rabbi went to the congregation and asked for a raise.
After much consideration and discussion, they passed a rule that when the Rabbis family expanded, so would his paycheck.
After five or six children, this started to get expensive.
The congregation decided to hold a meeting again to discuss the Rabbis pay situation. As you can imagine there was much yelling and bickering.
Finally, the Rabbi got up and spoke to the crowd. Having children is an act of God!
In the back of the room, a little old man with a full beard stood up and in his frail voice said..
Point of information – snow and rain are also acts of God, but we wear rubbers!
My wife drives the wrong way on a one way street. The cop pulled her over and asked, Where are you going? My wife said, I must be late, everyone is all coming back!
Knock Knock
Whos there?
Maura!
Maura who?
The Maura the merrier!