Old and New Jokes

When you put your hunting boots on you only get them on the right feet 50% of the time.

Your idea of a neighborhood watch program is tuning into Americas Most Wanted.

You own more than two clappers.

A lady approaches a priest and tells him, Father, I have a problem. I have these two talking female parrots, but They only say Hi, we are prostitutes. Do you want to have some FUN?

Thats terrible!, the priest exclaimed, Bring your two talking female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots who I have taught to pray and read the Bible, then my parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to pray and worship.

So the next day, the lady brings her female parrots to the priests house. The priests two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage.

The lady puts her female talking parrots in and they say, Hi, we are Prostitutes! Do you want to have some FUN?

One male parrot looks over to the other male parrot and says, PUT THE BIBLES AWAY! OUR PRAYERS HAVE BEEN ANSWERED!!!!!

– Hide the food stamps under the soap.

What did they call the first Chinese test tube baby?

– No Fun Son

Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now!

Billy Bob and Cletis save their money working on the ranch in Texas and fly to New York city. When they get off the plane and hail a cab, the cabdriver immediately sees them for a couple of hicks and takes them to their hotel via New Jersey. The cab bill is $250. They are surprised at how expensive New York is, but they pay the cab bill.

The bellhop in the hotel similarly sees an easy score. When he carries their bags to the room, he tells them the fee is $50 each.

Soon Billy Bob and Cletis are running low on funds. They pool resources and them have $2.50. How are they going to afford to do anything in New YorK? Billy Bob says give me the money. Im going into that drug store. When he returns Cltis asks him what he has purchased. Billy Bob proudly shows Cletis a box of Tampex.

Cletis is amazed. Billy Bob have you gone crazy. We have no money We cant do anything. Now you take our last $2.50 and buy Tampex!!!

Billy Bob replies Crazy, eh. Just look at what this box says: with Tampex you can go swimming, you can go horseback riding, you can go dancing…

A woman starts to choke in a restaurant. Its evident that she has food stuck in her throat, she cant breathe, and shes turning blue. A waiter quickly stands her up, pulls down her slacks, and takes an enormous swipe with his tongue right across her bare bottom. This miraculously clears her throat and her life is saved.

She said to the waiter, Thank you! How did you know that would be of such immediate help to me?

And he replied, That good old heinie-lick maneuver works every time.

If Kitty Carlisle married Conway Twitty, shed be Kitty Twitty.

If Yoko Ono married Sonny Bono, shed be Yoko Ono Bono.

If Dolly Parton married Salvador Dali, shed be Dolly Dali.

If Bo Derek married Don Ho, shed be Bo Ho.

If Oprah Winfrey married Depak Chopra, shed be Oprah Chopra.

If Cat Stevens married Snoop Doggy Dogg (hey! its the 90s!), hed be Cat Doggy Dogg.

If Olivia Newton-John married Wayne Newton, then divorced him to marry Elton John, shed be Olivia Newton-John Newton John.

If Sondra Locke married Elliott Ness, then divorced him to marry Herman Munster, shed become Sondra Locke Ness Munster.

If Bea Arthur married Sting, shed be Bea Sting.

If Liv Ullman married Judge Lance Ito, then divorced him and married Jerry Mathers, shed be Liv Ito Beaver.

If Snoop Doggy Dogg married Winnie the Pooh, hed be Snoop Doggy Dogg Pooh.

How about a baseball marriage? If Boog Powell married Felipe Alou, hed be Boog Alou.

If G. Gordon Liddy married Boutros-Boutros Ghali, then divorced him to marry Kenny G., hed be G. Ghali G.

Nog (Quarks brother on Star Trek: Deep Space Nine) has no other name, so he uses it twice when getting a marriage license. If he married Howard Hughes, and then Pamela Dare, hed be Nog Nog Hughes Dare.

If Shirley Jones married Tom Ewell, then Johnny Rotten, then Nathan Hale, shed be Shirley Ewell Rotten Hale.

If Ivana Trump married, in succession, Orson Bean (actor), King Oscar (of Norway), Louis B. Mayer (of MGM), and Norbert Wiener (mathematician), she would then be Ivana Bean Oscar Mayer Wiener.

If Woody Allen married Natalie Wood, divorced her and married Gregory Peck, divorced him and married Ben Hur, hed be Woody Wood Peck Hur.

There was a macho type of guy who went to the hardware store and bought a leather tool belt and a lot of tools to go with it. Like any good tool belt it weighed about 100 lbs when fully decked out.

The fella decided to take the belt out for a spin and was working out in his yard when all of a sudden the tool belt ended up around his ankles taking his pants with it. So here is our guy all of a sudden mooning the world bare-assed naked in his back yard.

All of a sudden there is a tremendous clap of thunder and a lightning bolt came down out of the heavens and carved a perfect 5 on each cheek of his posterior. The fella was very excited, but not nearly as excited as his wife who decided that this was a sign from above and proceeded to put their life savings into lottery tickets betting on the number 55.

That evening the drawing was held and you can imagine their excitment when the first number drawn was a 5. Immediately thereafter the last two numbers came out … 0 … 5. Winning number 505

Not only is there a God – he has a sense of humor.

It said on the box good for up to 20 pounds!