The beautiful secretary of the president of the Chase Manhattan Bank goes to a sight-seeing tour with a very rich Taiwanese client. The client out of the blue asks her to marry him.
Naturally, the secretary is quite taken aback. However, she remembers what her boss told her; Dont reject the guy outright. So, she tries to think of a way to dissuade the businessman from wanting to marry her.
So, after a few minutes, the woman says to the man, I will only marry you under three conditions. First, I want my engagement ring to be a 75 carat diamond ring, with a matching 200 carat diamond tiara.
The Taiwanese man pauses for awhile. Then, he nods his head and says, No problem!! I buy. I buy.
Realizing that her first condition was too easy, the woman says to the man, I want you to build me a 100 room mansion in New York. As a vacation home, I want a chateau built in the middle of the best wine county in France.
The man pauses for awhile. He whips out his cellular phone, calls some brokers in New York, then he calls some brokers in France. He looks at the woman, nods his head and says, Okay, okay. I build, I build.
Realizing that she has one last condition, the secretary knows that shed better make this a good one. She takes her time to think and finally, she gets an idea. A sure-to-work condition. She squints her eyes, looks at the man and says, rather coldly, Since I like sex, I want the man I marry to have a 12-inch penis.
The man seems a bit disturbed. He cups his face with his hands and rests his elbows on the table. All the while, hes muttering something in Chinese. Finally, after what seemed like forever, the man shakes his head, looking real sad, says to the woman, Okay, okay. I cut. I cut!
There is an unconfirmed report from Washington DC that about one month
ago a well-known psychic predicted that Monica Lewinsky would go down
in history.
Marty and Jane were driving home after an expensive – yet bland –
dinner. Since Martys minor heart attack 15 years ago, Jane had kept
her hubby on a strict, low sodium, low fat, low cholesterol diet,
depriving him of all the foods he loved.
As Marty turned the corner at a busy intersection, another car slammed
into theirs, killing Marty and Jane instantly.
St. Peter greeted the couple at the Pearly Gates and took them on a
tour of Heaven. Their first stop was a luxury mansion, Your new
home, St. Peter told them.
Looking at the expensive marble floors, Marty asked, How much is this
going to cost us?
Nothing, St. Peter replied. Everything is free in Heaven.
Next, they visited their new championship-style golf course.
This is your private golf course, St. Peter said. It changes daily,
representing the greatest golf courses on Earth.
What are the green fees? Marty asked.
This is Heaven, St. Peter said. You play for free, my friend.
Then they went to the clubhouse and saw a lavish buffet made from the
best cuisine Earth had to offer.
How much to eat? Marty asked.
St. Peter replied, My friend, dont you understand yet? This is
Heaven – its all free!
I see, Marty said, scratching his chin. Tell me, is that meal low
sodium, low fat and low cholesterol?
No, St. Peter said. And thats really the best part: You can eat as
much as you like, of whatever you want, and never get fat or sick.
This is Heaven!
With that, Marty pitched a fit: He tossed his halo on the floor and
took the Lords name in vain (several times, in fact).
Marty! Jane cried. Whats wrong?
Marty glared at his wife. Whats wrong? Ill tell you whats wrong!
If it wasnt for your daggone bran muffins, I could have been here
fifteen years ago!
Perks of being over 40…
1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
3. No one expects you to run into a burning building.
4. People call at 9 PM and ask, Did I wake you?
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
7. Things you buy now wont wear out.
8. You can eat dinner at 4 P.M.
9. You can live without sex but not without glasses.
10. You enjoy hearing about other peoples operations.
11. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
12. You have a party and the neighbors dont even realize it.
13. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
14. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
15. You sing along with elevator music.
16. Your eyes wont get much worse.
17. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
18. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.
19. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they cant remember them either.
20. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
21. You cant remember who sent you this list.
Q. Do I have to be married to have safe fax?
A. Although married people fax quite often, there are many single people who fax complete strangers every day.
Q. My parents say they never had fax when they were young and were allowed only to write memos to each other until they were twenty-one. How old do you think people should be before they fax?
A. Faxing can be performed at any age once the correct procedure is learned.
Q. If I fax something to myself will I go blind?
A. Certainly not, as far as we can see.
Q. Theres a place on our street where you can go and pay to fax. Is this legal?
A. Yes. Many people have no other outlet for their fax needs and must pay a professional when their need to fax becomes too great.
Q. Should a cover always be used for faxing?
A. Unless you are really sure of the one to whom you are faxing, a cover should always be used to ensure safe fax.
Q. What happens when I incorrectly do the procedure and fax prematurely?
A. Dont panic. Many people fax prematurely when they havent faxed in a long time. Just start over. Most people dont mind if you try again.
Q. I have a personal and business fax. Can transmissions become mixed up?
A. Being bi-faxual can be confusing, but as long as you use a cover with each one, you wont transmit anything youre not supposed to. However, be aware that you may be sending mixed signals if you are bi-faxual and that people may not know how to read you.
What’s worse than being raped by Jack the Ripper?
Getting fingered by Captain Hook!
In response to calls for sexual equity, Pillsbury recently added a new
Pillsbury Doughgirl character to the well known Doughboy.
Unfortunately, she couldnt come to work this week because she had a yeast infection.
Do you remember the Charlie Brown specials that taught valuable life lessons to a generation of kids? Well here are some new episodes:
Peanuts specials for kids of the 90s:
We learn about VD in:
IT BURNS WHEN I PEE, CHARLIE BROWN
Charlie and the little redheaded girl learn about unwanted pregnancy in:
IM STARTING TO SHOW, CHARLIE BROWN!
Is Linus gay?
ITS A DIFFERENT KIND OF LOVE, CHARLIE BROWN
Charlie moves back to his house in East L.A in:
OYE! VATO! QUE PASA, CARLITO MORENO?
See how the Peanuts Gang deals with date rape in:
NO MEANS NO, CHARLIE BROWN!
Franklin speaks! The Peanuts gang gets a lesson in Ebonics in:
IMO BUSTA CAP INYO ASS, CHARLIE BROWN
What goes on the mind of a serial killer? Discover the inner workings of Pig Pens twisted psyche and meet his murderous alter ego Mr. Clean in:
GOD TOLD ME TO DO IT, CHARLIE BROWN
Schroder teaches the Peanuts gang about getting high in:
ROLL US A FAT ONE, CHARLIE BROWN!
Charlie Brown gets his first job in:
WOULD YOU LIKE FRIES WITH THAT, CHARLIE BROWN?
Charlie Brown peddles his body for crack money while stealing social security checks and stripping cars in:
GO BLAME SOCIETY, CHARLIE BROWN
Peppermint Patty goes to town on Marcie in:
WHO NEEDS MEN, CHARLIE BROWN?
A man will pay $2 for an item that costs $1 if he wants it. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesnt want because its on sale.
A woman worries about he future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find that man.
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and dont expect to understand her at all.
Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.
Any married man can forget his past mistakes: theres no reason for two people to keep track of the same things.
A woman marries a man expecting him to change, and he doesnt. A man marries a woman expecting her not to change, and she does.
A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
A lady goes to the doctor and complains that her husband is losing interest in sex.
The doctor gives her a pill, but warns her it is still experimental and tells her to slip it into his mashed potatoes at dinner.
So, that night at dinner, she does. About a week later shes back at the doctors.
She says, Doc, the pill worked great! I put it in the potatoes like you suggested. It wasnt five minutes and he jumps up, rakes all the food and dishes on the floor, grabs me, rips all my clothes off and ravishes me right there on the table.
The doctor says, Im sorry, we didnt realize the pill was that strong. The foundation will be glad to pay for any damages.
Naah… she says, thats okay. We wouldn’t go back to that restaurant anyway.