Old and New Jokes

Meades Maxim: Always remember that you are absolutely unique, just like everyone else.

Im not getting this out of a list: my eleven-year-old was writing a
biography of Charles Darwin, and finished with:

When Darwin died, he was very pleased with himself.

-Paul S. R. Chisholm

Queen Elizabeth II, George W Bush & Robert Mugabe died & went straight to hell.Queen Elizabeth II said I miss Britain, I want to call Britain and see how everybody is doing there. She called and talked for about 5 minutes, then her Majesty asked Well, Devil how much do I owe you? The devil replied Five million dollars She wrote him a cheque and went to sit back on her chair.George Bush was so jealous, he began screaming, My turn! I wanna call the United States, I want to see how everybody is doing there too He called and talked for about 10 minutes, then he asked Well, Devil how much do I owe you? The devil replied Ten million dollars With a smug look on his face, he made a cheque and went to sit back on his chair.Robert Mugabe was even more jealous & started screaming, I want to call Zimbabwe, I want to see how everybody is doing there. I wanna talk to the ministers, to the deputy, I wanna talk to everybody. He called Zimbabwe and he talked for about twenty hours, he talked & talked & talked, then he asked Well, Devil how much do I owe you? The devil replied One dollar. Mugabe is stunned & says One dollar??? Only one lousy dollar?? The Devil says Well if you make a call from one hell to another hell, its local

-Would it be an come-on if i told you that your hair smells good?


-No


-What if a midget told you your hair smells good?

Q: What is the difference between Bill Clinton and Jimmy Carter?
A: Jimmy Carter waited until after the inauguration to break his promises.

A computer manufacture called some of their clients to ask about how much they are satisfied with their computer.

Company: Hi, Im calling from U Computer, you have recently purchased a computer from us.



Client: Oh Yeah.



Company: Are you satisfied with your computer?



Client: Yes, but I dont know why this computer came with a coffee cup holder and after many use its not working.



Company: Odd, we dont sell computer with a computer with a coffee cup holder.



Client: Hmm . . . Yes, there is. It is labeled CD-writer and there is a little button when I press it, a tray comes out and I put the cup on it.



Computer: Sir, it is a compact disc player and writer. It is used for Audio CDs, Software CDs, but not for using it as a cup holder.



Client: Oh, so thats why it broke! Thank you. Bye.

Question: How do you catch a bear?

Solution: First you dig a hole and fill it up with ashes. Then you take some peas and and put it around the hole and when the bear comes to take a pea you kick him in the ash hole.

A Baby seal walked into a club

John and Nancy were married for 40 years and decided they wanted to renew their wedding vows, so they planned a second wedding. They were discussing the details with their friends. Nancy wasnt going to wear a traditional bridal gown and she started describing the dress she was planning to wear.One of her friends asked what color shoes she had to go with the dress.Nancy replied, Silver.At that point, her husband chimed in, Yep, silver…to match her hair.Shooting a glaring look at Johns head, Nancys friend said, So John, I guess you are going barefoot?

La niña, de tan sólo 8 años, le pregunta a su mamá:

¿Oye, mami, las niñas de mi edad nos podemos embarazar?

No, contesta la madre muy preocupada. Las niñas buenas como tú, no se pueden embarazar. Es imposible.

Dirigiéndose al niño que la acompañaba, la pequeña le anima:

Ya ves, tonto, no te asustes, los mareos son por pasearme tanto en el columpio.