A guys butt is never a factor in a job interview.
A guys orgasms are real. Always.
A guys last name stays put.
The garage is all his.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
He doesnt have to curl up next to a hairy butt every night.
Chocolate is just another snack.
He can wear a white shirt to a water park.
Foreplay is optional.
He never feels compelled to stop a friend from getting laid.
Car mechanics tell him the truth.
He doesnt give a rats ass if someone notices his new haircut.
The world is his urinal.
Hot wax never comes near his pubic area.
He never has to drive to another gas station because this ones just too icky.
Same work … more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
He doesnt have to leave the room to make emergency crotch adjustments.
Wedding Dress $2,000; Tux rental $100.
If he retains water, its in a canteen.
People never glance at his chest when he is talking to them.
Princess Dis death was just another obituary.
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
New shoes dont cut, blister, or mangle his feet.
Porn movies are designed with him in mind.
Not liking a person does not preclude having great sex with them.
Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: So, notice anything different?
One mood … all of the time.
– A piece of ass that will make your eyes water.
A new medical facility with several different specialists opened in a trendy part of the city.
Wanting to be different and creative, the administration decided that each doctors office door would, in some way, be representative of his practice.
So, when construction was complete, the eye doctors door had a peep hole, the orthopedists door had a broken hinge, the psychiatrists door was painted all kinds of crazy colours and the proctologists door was left open – just a crack.
A Catholic priest, a Protestant minister, and a Jewish rabbi were discussing when life begins.
Life begins, said the priest, at the moment of fertilization. That is when God instills the spark of life into the fetus.
We believe, said the minister, that life begins at birth, because that is when the baby becomes an individual and is capable of making its own decisions and must learn about sin.
Youre both wrong, said the rabbi. Life begins when the children have graduated from college and moved out of the house.
Knock Knock
Whos there?
Greg!
Greg who?
Gregs of Wrath!
Q: How many loggers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One, but he uses a chainsaw.
1. Your Imbruglia hairdo has turned into a Bronwyn Bishop …. and youve stopped caring.
2. You have absolutely no idea where youre shoes are.
3. The Chicken Dance Song seems like a really good tune.
4. You mistake a police car from a cab and shout obscenities when it doesnt stop for you.
5. Youve started having a row with yourself. Out loud.
6. Youve just had to get someone to help you pull your pants up in the ladies loo because you tried twice and ended up on the floor on your bum…..And it was wet.
7. You bump into people on their way to work.
8. You keep dancing into people and youve fallen off the podium – twice.
9. Theyve stacked all the chairs and turned the lights on.
10. Youve been flashing your boobs at passers by.
11. Creme De Menthe, Advocaat or Grenadine suddenly seem to be viable drink options.
12. You start crying.
13. You cant stop.
14. There are less than three hours before youre due to start work.
15. Youve found a deeper side to the office nerd.
16. The man youre pashing used to be your 5th grade teacher.
17. The urge to take all your clothes off, stand on a table and sing Fever become strangely overwhelming.
18. Youve forgotten where you live.
19. You seem to be seeing more of the toilet bowl than the dance floor.
20. Youve just sung Im horny, horny horny horny … to a passing police man.
21. You notice that theres vomit on your dress and suspect that its yours.
22. Youve started to sound like Tommy Raudonikis from the 60 fags youve smoked.
23. You keep missing your mouth with your drink.
24. You cant taste the gin in your gin and tonic.
25. You think youre in bed but your pillow feels strangely like pizza.
26. You tell your worst enemy that youve always loved her really.
27. The stairs take on the appearance of that really really really steep slippery dip at Luna Park.
28. Youve started offering oral pleasure to any male wholl listen.
29. You start every conversation with, Dont take this the wrong way but…
30. You fail to notice that the toilet lids down when you sit on it.
31. You challenge the doorman to an arm wrestling competition.
32. You have to be restrained from stage-diving from the top of the stairs.
33. Youre sitting on the floor. On your own.
34. You show your mates that girls can wee standing up if they really want to.
35. You decide to audition for StarSearch via the security cameras.
36. You rediscover your childhood gymnastic skills. On Hay Street.
37. You realise why you gave up gymnastics.
38. You think three blokes are chatting you up when theres actually only one.
39. You drop your 3am burger on the floor, pick it up and carry on eating.
40. The entire club has seen your pants. Twice
41. Most of them against their will.
42. You cant see you own face to reapply your long gone make-up. And you have profoundly discovered that your mascara tastes like chicken.
The below are valid reasons as to why drinking should be allowed at work. If you use them wisely, you may even be able to convince your boss into allowing alcohol.
1. Its an incentive to show up.
2. It reduces stress.
3. It leads to more honest communications.
4. It reduces complaints about low pay.
5. It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover.
6. Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear.
7. It helps save on heating costs in the winter.
8. It encourages carpooling.
9. Increases job satisfaction because if you have a bad job you dont care.
10. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.
11. It makes fellow employees look better.
12. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.
13. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.
14. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.
15. If something does something stupid on the job, it will be quickly forgotten.
There are LOTS of ways to ruin a date. Here are a few things NOT to say on a date…
I really dont like this restaurant that much, but I wanted to use this 2-for-1 coupon before it expired.
I refuse to get cable. Thats how they keep tabs on you.
I used to come here all the time with my ex.
Could you excuse me? My cat gets lonely if he doesnt hear my voice on the answering machine every hour.
I really feel that Ive grown in the past few years. Used to be I wouldnt have given someone like you a second look.
And I won that trophy in the inter-fraternity belching contest.
I know you said you dont eat anything with a face. But a good butcher will cut that part off for you if you ask.
Its been tough, but Ive come to accept that most people I date just wont be as smart as I am.
I never said you NEED a nose job. I just said it wouldnt hurt to consider it.
Because his son wasnt the brightest kid in the world, old Hillbilly Joe took him to the outhouse one day to teach him how to urinate properly. Now you lissen good, Danl, cuz heres whatcha gotta do.
One: Take out your penie-pipe.
Two: Pull back the foreskin.
Three: Pee.
Four: Push back your foreskin.
Five: Put your equipment back.
The boy said he understood, but the next day while he was working at his still, Joes wife came running over. Oh, Joe, Joe, come quick! Danl went ta piss an wont come out of the outhouse!
Hell, whuts he doin in there? Joe said.
I dunno. He jess keeps sayin Two-four, two-four, two-four……