Old and New Jokes

You might be a redneck if…
On stag night, you take a real deer.

Little Johnny came home after attending Sunday School at his church, and his mother asked him, Did you learn anything this morning, Johnny?

Oh, I learned a lot of good stuff about the Bible.

What?

Well, said Johnny confidently, I learned that King Solomon was the wisest man who ever lived, and that he had 700 wives and 300 porcupines.

Credit: Rev. Cleve Wilkie, The Times-Leader, Grifton, N.C., 7/27/94

Q: How many Bill Gateses does it take to change the lightbulb??

A: None. He just calls a meeting & makes darkness the standard.

* Viagra, The quicker dicker upper * Viagra, One-a-day, like iron * Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be there tonight * Viagra, Home of the whopper * Viagra, It plumps when you take em * Viagra, Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman * Viagra, Tastes great, more filling * Viagra, Ten inches long … and growing. * Viagra, We work harder, so you dont have to. and the number one slogan being considered by Viagra: * This is your penis. This is your penis on drugs. Any questions?

A drunken man stumbles into his bedroom at 3am, clutching a duck under his arm and wakes up his wife.Well, what do ya think of ma pig? he shouts to his wife.You drunken idiot, thats no pig, thats a duck! she glares back.You shut up! I was talkin to the duck!

1991 — A Montana State University chemistry professor claimed in March that he was wrongfully accused of being drunk after an accident (which occurred while he was on work-release for a previous (drunk driving sentence). While a state trooper found him highly intoxicated, the professor said a chemical explosion in his lab caused him to smell and act drunk and that his statement to the trooper about having consumed a six-pack of beer was merely incoherent babbling because of the trauma of the accident.



1992 — Steven L. Johnson, 40, sentenced to two years in prison in Brookings, S.D., in April for drunk driving, explained to the judge: I enjoyed drinking while driving. Its one of the most pleasurable habits Ive had.



1993 — Only days apart, two Wisconsin men arrived in court drunk for their trials on drunken-driving charges. Both denied they had been drunk while driving, and both denied they were drunk in the courtroom. James Heard had a 0.26 blood-alcohol level on his trial day in Milwaukee, and John Newbury registered 0.22 at his LaCrosse trial both more than double the 0.10 legal maximum.



1992 — A jury in Tavares, Fla., convicted Leal Fleming, 45, of drunk driving in November despite his insistence that the reason he slurred his words to a police officer, and couldnt breathe into a machine,was that he had just been bitten on the tongue by a rat snake and was on his way to a hospital to get treatment for the swelling. Said Fleming after the trial, After the verdict came in,I had some second thoughts [about not taking an offered plea bargain], but I still think there was a point to our defense.



1992 — THE DIMINISHING VALUE OF LIFE In Miami in August, Levon Howard lost a shootout with his roommate Edwin Heyliger, who was charged with murder. Howard had broken into Heyligers room,angry that someone had drunk his Kool-Aid, and in the ensuing argument, both scrambled for guns.



1991 — In Romford, England, Philip Pyne, 51,off work last summer and intending to do some heavy drinking but worried that he might fall off his bar stool if he got too drunk, attempted to tack his legs onto the stool with nails but abandoned the idea in pain and called an ambulance.



1992 — A pedestrian recently won a $600,000 judgment against Metro (the Washington, D.C., transportation authority) after being hit by a bus, despite the fact that he was drunk at the time and partying on a public street in a Batman costume. For the entire duration of the trial, the mans lawyer was able to suppress from the jurors ears another fact about his client: At the time of the collision, for some reason, he was wearing a condom.



1991 — St. Louis juror Frederick Pinkins was sentenced to three days in jail and a $700 fine for contempt of court in April after he missed final deliberations in a murder trial. He told the judge that the jurys discussion (in a lovers triangle case) depressed him so much that he got drunk and overslept.



1995 — In May, over the opposition of state Sen. Joe Neal, the Nevada Senate passed a bill to prohibit people from carrying guns while drunk. Neal argued that the bill would hurt activities of gun clubs, some of which permit drinking during target-shooting socials.



1994 — In February, William James Silva, 44,was arrested in San Jose, Calif., when he allegedly robbed a police decoy posing as a street corner drunk. It was the 550th time Silva had been arrested, and his record reaches 127 feet of computer paper. (According to police, before robbing the decoy, Silva had argued with a friend about whether the man was a police officer, with Silva insisting he wasnt.)

2. If you live in a house with three couches, none of which match.

Twas da night befo Christmas and all in the hood, Not a homie was stirring cuz it was all good.

The tube socks was hung on the window sill and we all had smiles up on our grill.

Mookie and BeBe was snug in the crib in the back bedroom, cuz thats how we live.

And Moms in her do-rag and me with my nine, had just gotten busy cuz girlfriend is fine.



All of a sudden a lowrider rolled by, Bumpin phat beats cuz the systems fly.

I bounced to the window at a quarter pas Bout ready to pop a cap in somebodys ass!

well anyway….



I yelled to my lady, Yo peep this! She said, Stop frontin & just mind yo bidness.

I said, for real doe, come check dis out.



We werent even buggin, no worries, no doubt. Cuz bumpin an thumpin from around da way

Was Santa, 8 reindeer and a sleigh.



Da beats was kickin, da ride was phat I said, Yo red Dawg, you all that!

He threw up a sign and yelled to his boyz, Ay yo, give it up, lets make some noise!

To the top of the projects & across the strip mall, We gots ta go, I got a booty call!



He pulled up his ride on the top a da roof, and sippin on a 40, he busted a move.



I yelled up to Santa, Yo aint got no stack! he said, Damn homie, deese projects is wack!

But dont worry black, cuz I gots da skillz

I learnt back when I hadda pay da billz.

Out from his bag he pulled 3 small tings a credit card, a knife, and a bobby pin.

He slid down the fire exscape smoove as a cat, and busted the window wit a b-ball bat.



I said, Whassup, Santa? Whydya bust my place?

he said,You best get on up out my face!

His threads was all leatha, his chains was all gold,

His sneaks was Puma and they was 5 years old.



He dropped down the duffle, Bulls logo on the side.

Santa broke out da loot and my mouf popped open wide.

A wink of his eye and a shine off his gold toof,

He cabbage patched his way back onto the roof

He jumped in his hooptie wit rims made of chrome,

To tap that big booty waitin at home.



And all I heard as he cruised outta sight, was a loud and hearty…..

WEEESST SIIIIDE!!!!!!!

A little boy goes fishing with his grandpa. As they are paddling round the lake,
Grandpa lights up a big cigar.

The boy looks at his Grandpa and says, Grandpa, I sure would like to smoke one
of your big cigars.

Grandpa then asks, Well son, will your pecker reach your anus?.

The little boy replies, No.

Well, says Grandpa. Then youre too young to smoke cigars.

A little while later Grandpa pops open a beer.

The boy looks at his Grandpa and says, Grandpa, I always wanted to drink a
beer.

Grandpa then asks, Well son, will your pecker reach your anus?

The little boy replies, No.

Well, says Grandpa. Then youre too young to drink beer.

Soon the little boy reaches into his backpack and pulls out a big ham sandwich.

Grandpa looks at the little boy and says, Son, I would really like to have some
of that sandwich.

The boy asks, Grandpa, does your pecker reach your anus?

Grandpa replies, Why yes son, it does.

And the little boy retorts, Well then go screw yourself. Grandma made this for
me!

En el cielo, mientras San Pedro está repartiendo las habitaciones llegan al mismo tiempo un sacerdote y un abogado. San Pedro envía al abogado a un penthouse con TV, aire y otros lujos, mientras que al sacerdote lo envía a una habitación sencilla con un abanico, una vela y la Biblia. El sacerdote, enojado por lo que recibió, sale a reclamar y le dice a San Pedro:

¿Por qué a mi, que he sido un hombre dedicado a todo lo bueno, me das una habitación sencilla y a éste que es un abogado le das un penthouse?

Entonces San Pedro le contesta:

¡Lo que sucede es que sacerdotes tenemos de sobra, pero éste es el primer abogado que nos llega al cielo!