An extremely obese man shows up at his doctors office and claims that hes tried every possible way to lose weight, to no avail. So the doctor proposes a radical diet: rectal feeding. Reassuring the fattie that he wont starve to death, the doctor explains that he can actually take in enough nutrients through the rectal walls to sustain life, but that hes sure to lose weight in the process.
Three weeks later the patient comes in for a follow-up appointment, and hes down from 360 to a trim 175 pounds. The doctor shows him into his office and asks him how hes feeling, noticing that hes bouncing up and down in his seat quite energetically. Im feeling great, doc; never felt better is the reply.
In that case, why are you bouncing up and down like that? asked the doctor.
Just chewing some gum!
Yo mama like a shotgun… 1 cock and shes ready to blow!
At the end of World War II Roosevelt, Churchill, and Stalin met at the
famous Yalta Conference. During a break the three chiefs of state were
relaxing. Wanting to show off a bit Roosevelt took out a silver
cigarette case on which was engraved: To FDR from a loyal Democratic
Party.
Not to be outdone Churchill took out a gold cigar case on which
was engraved: To Winston from the loyal Tories.
Stalin then smiled broadly and reaching into his vest withdrew an enormous
cigar case encrusted with rubies and emeralds on which was written: To
Count Esterhazy from the Vienna Jockey Club.
Marriage has driven more than one man to sex.
Marriage is a ceremony that turns your dreamboat into a barge.
Marriage is a mutual relationship if both parties know when to be mute.
Marriage is a rest period between romances.
Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.
Marriage is a trip between Niagra Falls and Reno.
Marriage is an institution, but who wants to live in an institution?
Marriage is better when both the husband and wife decide that what they have is better than what they are missing.
Marriage is bliss. Ignorance is bliss. Ergo…
Marriage is like a hot bath. Once you get used to it, its not so hot.
Marriage is like a mousetrap. Those on the outside are trying to get in. Those on the inside are trying to get out.
Marriage is like a violin. After the music is over, you still have the strings.
Marriage is mind over matter; if the husband doesnt mind, it doesnt matter..
Marriage is not a word; it is a sentence.
Marriage is the high sea for which no compass has yet been invented.
Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.
Marriage is the only sport in which the trapped animal has to buy the license.
Marriage is the only war in which you sleep with the enemy.
Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of person your spouse would have really preferred.
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
Marriage means commitment. Of course, so does insanity.
Marriage still confers one very special privilege, only a married person can get divorced.
Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, so are thunder and lightning.
A best mans speech should be like a mini-skirt; short enough to be interesting, but long enough to cover the bare essentials.
A chiseler is a man who goes stag to a wife-swapping party.
A gentleman is one who never swears at his wife while ladies are present.
A good husband is one who thinks almost as much of his wife as he does of himself.
A good woman is like a good bar…liquor in the front and poker in the rear.
A honeymoon should be like a table…four bare legs and no drawers.
A husband expects his wife to be perfect…and to understand why hes not.
You get a tatoo that says This body best viewed with Netscape 2.01or higher.
You never have to deal with busy signals when calling your ISP…because you never log off.
The last girl you picked up was only a jpeg.
You ask a plumber how much it would cost to replace the chair in front of your computer with a toilet.
Your wife says communication is important in a marriage…so you buy another computer and install a second phone line so the two of you can chat.
As your car crashes through the guardrail on a mountain road, your first instinct is to search for the back button.
Who cares whos on board?
After Quasimodos death, the bishop of the cathedral of Notre Dame sent
word through the streets of Paris that a new bellringer was needed. The
bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went
up into the belfry to begin the screening process.
After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he decided
to call it a day when a lone, armless man approached him and announced
that he was there to apply for the bellringers job.
The bishop was incredulous.You have no arms! No matter, said the
man, observe! He then began striking the bells with his face,
producing a beautiful melody on the carillon. The bishop listened in
astonishment, convinced that he had finally found a suitable replacement
for Quasimodo.
Suddenly, rushing forward to strike a bell, the armless man tripped, and
plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street
below. The stunned bishop rushed down the many flights of stairs to his
side.
When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen
figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before.
As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked,
Bishop, who was this man?
I dont know his name, the bishop sadly replied, but his face rings a
bell…
A woman and her little girl were visiting the grave of the little girls grandmother. On their way through the cemetery back to the car, the little girl asked, Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave?
Of course not, dear, replied the mother, Why would you think that?
The tombstone back there said… Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.
There was this man who was about to go on a trip to England. The day before he left he asked his next-door neighbor, Mrs. Dunn, if she wanted anything from England.
Yes, she said. Could you please find my son Neely. Hes been gone 10 years and has not written or phoned me. Ever! I write to him but he never replies. I try to phone him but he never seems to be in. Anyway, heres his address. And on a back of a handy envelope she scribbled:
Neely Dunn
WC1
London, England.
The next day, the man embarked on his journey. The plane landed at Heathrow. He got off the plane and was walking down the corridor when he saw a sign saying WC.
He entered the room, and saw that it was a washroom. He proceeded to the first toilet stall, knocked on the door and said: – Are you Neely Dunn?
Yes, but I ran out of paper, came the reply.
Well, thats no excuse not to write your mother!!
Q: Why did the blonde keep a coat hanger in her back seat?
A: In case she locks the keys in her car.