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Basic Rules for Cats Who Have a House to Run

1. CHAIRS AND RUGS: If you have to throw up, get into a chair quickly. If you cannot manage in time, get to an Oriental rug. If no Oriental rug is available, shag is good.

2. DOORS: Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get a door opened, stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws. Once door is opened, it is not necessary to use it.After you have ordered an outside door opened, stand halfway in and out and think about several things, This is particularly important during very cold weather, rain, snow, and mosquito season.

3. GUESTS: Quickly determine which guest hates cats the most. Sit on that humans lap. If you can, arrange to have Friskies Fish n Glop on your breath. For sitting on laps or rubbing against clothing, select fabric color which contrasts well with your fur. For example: white furred cats go to black wool clothing. For the guest who claims, I love kitties, be ready with aloof disdain; apply claws to stockings or use a quick nip on the ankle. When walking among the dishes on the dinner table, be prepared to look surprised and hurt when scolded. The idea is to convey, But you always allow me on the table when company isnt here. Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It isnt necessary to do anything. Just sit and stare.

4. WORK: If one of your humans is sewing or writing and another is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called helping, otherwise known as hampering. Following are the rules for hampering: A. When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. You cant be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on, picked up and consoled. B. For book readers, get in close under the chin, between the humans eyes and the book, unless you can lie across the book itself. If it is a news paper, claw at it until shredded.

Galatfehmi ka shikar hona:To be hunted down by misunderstanding.

Izzat ko mitti me milana: To mix ones honor in mud

Maro saale ko: Hit the brother in law

Meri izzat ki naak cut gayee: My honors nose has been chopped off

Kiske saath moonh kaala kiya?: Who have you blackened your face with?

naak mein dum karna:ito strengthen the nostrils

Signs Your Partner Needs A Vacation

9. Every Tuesday he insists its his turn to be the siren.

8. He wants to transfer to a K-9 unit because he thinks hed look good in a collar.

7. He wants you to call him Judge Dredd, and he insists that all suspects should be executed right there on the spot.

6. He talk to himself. Half of him is the good cop, and the other half is the bad cop.

5. He keeps asking you if his bullet proof vest makes him look fat.

4. He is exchanging donut recipes with complete strangers.

3. The perpetrators beg him to stop talking about his relationship troubles.

2. He wants to hear less talk and more music on the police channel.

1. He keeps handcuffing himself by accident!!

A couple are driving along the freeway and the husband, who is driving, is complaining about everything … the heat, the long drive, the bad drivers, the country, etc … and his wife is getting tired of his depressing talk. So she says to him: One more complaint and Ill cut your penis off with my pen-knife.

About half an hour later, he starts complaining again, and before he could blink his wife pulls out her knife, slices the guys dick off, and throws it out the window.

Driving behind the couples car is a family of three : husband, wife, and a 8 year old daughter. The penis lands on their cars windshield, and the father, in an absolute panic (as he doesnt want his daughter to see the penis), quickly turns on the windshield wipers (to get the dick off the windshield, and out of view of his daughter).

The observant daughter asks: Daddy, what was that?

Her father, still in a panic, says, Oh it was only a…..uh……..butterfly.

Mustve been a big butterfly, replied the daughter…

Did you see the size of its dick!

Once there was a man who loved baked beans. He would eat up to 5 and sometimes 6 plates at a time, but that always be followed with smelly, loud, stinky gas.

One day he met a beautiful lady and decided to talk to her. They started seeing each other.

Since he did not want her to smell his nasty gas after eating beans, he made the sacrifice, and stopped eating them. One year later they were married.

On his birthday, the next year, he was coming home from work, when suddenly his car broke down.

He called his wife to tell her what had happened, and also to let her know that he would be home a little late. She said she understood, but to hurry, because she had a surprise for him.

On his way he saw a diner and smelled baked beans cooking inside. Since he had to walk 6 miles to get home, he figured that by the time he got there all the smelly gas would be gone.

He went in and ate 7 bowls of baked beans. On his way back home, he was farting nasty and smelly

gas.

Finally he got home and on the door his wife had hung a blind fold for him to wear, so he

wouldnt peek.

She sat him at the table, when all of a sudden the phone rang. She made him promise he wouldnt peek until she got back.

Unfortunately, his gas came back and he couldnt hold it in any longer. Since she was taking so long, he decided to let it go.

He picked up his leg and let it rip. It smelled so bad, he had to get a napkin and fan so she wouldnt smell it.

He wanted to fart again, so he once again picked uo his leg, but this time it was so loud and smelly, that it shook the windows and killed the flowers.

After a couple of more farts his wife finally got off the phone, so he stopped.

When she took the blind fold off to his surprise, there were 12 guests seated at the table.

A man was out driving in his car when all of a sudden a rooster ran out in front of his car, he tried to miss it but unfortunately he ran over the rooster & killed it.

He decided that he should go & tell the farmer, so he got out of his car & walked across the road to the farm, walked up to the front door & knocked, the farmer came to the door & the man said Im afraid Ive killed your rooster, please let me replace him.

The farmer said Help yourself, the hens are out the back.

Q: How many Evangelists does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: 33. One to do it, 2 to bask in its glory, and 30 to take collections in the bulbs name.

Q: Why do blondes wear underwear?

A: They make good ankle warmers.

While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft. Spotting an old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted, Are there any gators around here?! Naw, the man hollered back, They aint been around for years! Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore. About halfway there he asked the guy, Howd you get rid of the gators? We didnt do nothin, the beachcomber said. Wow, said the tourist. The beachcomber added, The sharks got em.

Only one, but it sure takes a shitload of light bulbs!

Joke found on http://www.randomjoke.com