Old and New Jokes

El alcalde de una pequeña ciudad se reune un día con los directores de escuelas de la ciudad para discutir el asunto de la drogadicción en los adolescentes y tratar de poner punto final a este problema.

Al final de la junta quedan en que se reunirán otra vez en dos meses más para ver cómo ha progresado el proyecto.

Pasaron dos meses:

Estamos aquí reunidos para comprobar si hemos logrado reducir la cantidad de adolescentes con problemas de drogadicción en nuestra ciudad. dijo el alcalde, y luego continuó dirigiendose especialmente al rector número 1: Por favor cuentenos su experiencia.

Bueno, en mi liceo habían 1000 alumnos de los cuales 150 se drogaban, y ahora hay sólo 30 que lo hacen.

Oh, esos son magníficos resultados, por favor explíquenos como lo hizo dijo el alcalde.

Bueno yo dibujé dos circulos en la pizarra, uno chico y otro grande, luego les dije a mis alumnos: este circulo grande es el cerebro de un alumno que no usa drogas y este circulo pequeño es el cerebro de un alumno drogadicto.

Oh que buen método, ahora es su turno director número 2, cuéntenos su experiencia dijo el alcalde contento por los resultados obtenidos por el primero.

En mi liceo son 1500 alumnos de los cuales 300 se drogaban, ahora ya nadie es drogadicto.

¡Es impresionante!, pues por favor le ruego que me explique como lo hizo, este método hay que globalizarlo dijo eufóricamente el alcalde.

Bueno yo al igual que mi colega dibujé un circulo chico y uno grande en la pizarra, y después le dije a mis alumnos: este circulo chico es el hoyo del CULO de un alumno que no ha entrado a la carcel por drogadicción y este circulo grande es el HOYO del CULO de un alumno que entró a la carcel por drogadicción.

The preacher was wired for sound with a lapel mic, and as he preached, he moved briskly about the platform, jerking the mic cord as he went.

Then he moved to one side, getting wound up in the cord and nearly tripping before jerking it again.



After several circles and jerks, a little girl in the third pew leaned toward her mother and whispered, If he gets loose, will he hurt us?

An attorney was sitting in his office late one night, when the Devil appeared before him. The Devil told the lawyer, I have a proposition for you. You can win every case you try, for the rest of your life. Your clients will adore you, your colleagues will stand in awe of you, and you will make embarrassing sums of money. All I want in exchange is your soul, your wifes soul, your childrens souls, the souls of your parents, grandparents, and parents-in-law, and the souls of all of your friends and law partners.

The lawyer thought about this for a moment, then asked, So, whats the catch?

Two boys are playing football in Central Park when one is attacked by a rabid Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy rips off a board of the nearby fence, wedges it down the dogs collar and twists, breaking the dogs neck.



A reporter who was strolling by sees the incident, and rushes over to interview the boy.



Young Giants Fan Saves Friend From Viciou Animal, he starts writing in his notebook.

But Im not a Giants fan, the little hero replied.



Sorry, since we are in New York, I just assumed you were. said the reporter and starts again.

Little Jets Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific Attack he continued writing in his notebook.

Im not a Jets fan either, the boy said.



I assumed everyone in New York was either for the Giants or Jets.

What team do you root for? the reporter asked.

Im a Cowboys fan. the child said.



The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes,

Little Redneck Bastard Kills Beloved Family Pet!

Each year the Washington Posts Style Invitational asks readers to take any
word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one
letter and supply a new definition. Here are the 2001 winners:Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who
doesnt get it.Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (this one got extra credit)Karmageddon: Its like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad
vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and its like, a seriousbummer.Glibido: All talk and no action.Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come
at you rapidly.
And, the pick of the literature:Ignoranus: A person whos both stupid and an @$$hole.

A little boy was in school, he raised his hand and asked the teacher to go to the bathroom. The teacher said, “First you have to say your abcs.” So the kid says, “abcdefghijklmnoqrstuvwxyz.” The teacher says, “You forgot the P. Wheres the P.” And the boy says, “running down my leg.”

Un día cualquiera se mueren tres amigos en un accidente automovilistico. Los tres llegan al cielo al mismo tiempo, ante San Pedro, y éste les dice:

Aquí en el cielo todos andan en vehículos y la calidad del vehículo a conducir depende de qué tan bueno hayan sido en la vida. En eso, señalando al primer hombre, le dice:

Tú, Jorge, por haber traicionado a tu esposa con otras 20 mujeres, andarás toda la eternidad con un incómodo auto compacto en mal estado, despintado y lleno de abolladuras.

Al segundo hombre le dice:

Tú, Ramiro, por haber traicionado a tu esposa con otras 5 mujeres andarás en un Toyota 89, en buen estado, pero con ciertas fallas.

Y al tercero le dice:

Y tú, Marvin, por nunca haber traicionado a tu esposa andarás en una Limosina de lujo, equipada con toda la tecnología de punta que pueda llevar un auto, chofer privado, teléfono, etc.

Los tres hombres se van con sus autos a andar por las calles celestiales atestadas de todo tipo de medios de transporte. Un día, después de cuatro meses, por coincidencia los tres amigos se encuentran en un semáforo. El que llevaba la Limosina estaba llorando amargamente. Los otros dos, extrañados, le preguntan: ¿Por qué lloras si andas en el mejor auto del cielo y vives muy cómodamente? A lo que él responde:

Es que acabo de ver a mi esposa en patineta.

Once upon a time there was a kid in the 2nd grade. one day his teacher told him to say the ABCs by tomorrow, so when he got home after school he asked his dad what is the first letter of the alphebet? he said shutup so he goes to his sisters room and shes on the phone he asks whats the second letter of the alphebet? and she says uh ha uh ha uh ha. so next he goes into his brothers room whos watching Batman and asks whats the 3rd letter of the alphebet? he says dun nun nunu BATMAN! so he goes into the kitchen where his mom is cooking dinner and he asks whats the 4th letter of the alphebet? she says my buns are burning, my buns are burning! so then the next day he goes to school and his teacher asks say the alphebet and he says shut up. so she says do u want to go to the princapals office? he says uh ha uh ha uh ha, so he is in the princapals office and he asks who do u theink you are? then he says du nanana BATMAN! and the princapal pattals his behind, and the kids screams my buns are burning my buns are burning!

I remember the 60s, so – at least according to one expert (Wavey Gravy, social commentator and DJ) on the subject – I wasnt THERE. When the 60s recalled these days, its usually done to point out how angry, vulgar and hateful a time they were. The image is a bit overblown.

At least when it comes to Christmasy things, the 60s werent all bad. Charlie Schulz gave us A Charlie Brown Christmas back then and thats when the Grinch first became famous.

I seem to recall a cycle of whimsically ironic humor from back in the 60s. Now, by whimsically ironic I mean Jokes that would come from the lips of a Jonathan Winters rather than pen of a P. J. ORourke. Anybody remember these? Anybody remember others?

Look, I dont care what star youre following, get them blasted camels off my lawn!

Ho, ho, ho yerself, little fat guy, the hooves of those animals are chewing up my shingles something fierce!