Old and New Jokes

RULES MEN WISH WOMEN KNEW:

If you think youre ugly, you probably are. Dont ask us.

Learn to work the toilet seat; if its up, put it down.

Dont cut your hair. For any reason. Ever.

If you ask a question you dont want an answer to, expect an answer you dont want to hear.

Sometimes were NOT thinking about you. Live with it.

Dont ask us what were thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as wax worms vs. grubs, the shotgun formation and carburetors.

ANYTHING you wear is fine. Really.

You have enough clothes.

You have too many shoes.

Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but dont expect us to like it.

Ask us for what you want. Subtle hints dont work.

No, we DONT know what day it is. We never will.

Mark anniversaries and birthdays on a calendar.

Yes, whizzing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point-blank range. Were bound to miss sometimes.

Yes and No ARE perfectly acceptable answers.

A headache that lasts for 17 days is a problem. See a doctor.

Check your oil.

Dont give us rules.

Dont fake it. Wed rather be ineffective than deceived.

Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.

All comments become null and void anfter 2 days.

Dont rub the lamp if you dont want the genie to come out.

You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done, not both.

Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

Christopher Columbus didnt need directions, and neither do we.

Women wearing low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.

Sunday = Sports. Its like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be!

Three guys, the American captain, an Australian and a Japanese guy are shipwrecked on an island.

On reaching shore, the American asks the Australian to find a good spot for a camp.

He turns to the Japanese guy and says to go into the bush and get supplies.

Ill scout the island and well meet at the camp at dusk, said the captain.

The captain returns to find the Australian has set up camp but the Japanese guy hadnt returned.

Wheres that Jap with the supplies? said the captain.

The night passes and still there is no sign of the Jap with the supplies, so they go looking for him.

They scout the whole island but cant find him.

Just as they are returning to camp, the Jap jumps out from behind a tree and shouts, Surplize, surplize.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Ilona!
Ilona who?
Ilona Ranger!

Una vez, un señor necesitaba empleo, entonces hojeó los empleos disponibles en el diario y vió:

Se buscan personas que sepan hacer cosas raras.

Inmediatamente fue al lugar y le preguntaron que cosa rara sabía hacer, entonces el dijo:

Bueno, yo sé hacer como pájaro.

Pero no sea ridiculo, ¿y a nosotros qué nos importa una persona que sepa hacer como pájaro? ¡váyase! ¡fuera!

Y se fue volando…

21. ELETELEPHONY

once there was an elephant

who tried to be a telephant;

no no, I mean an elephone

who tried to be a telephone.

(Dear me I am not certain quite

that even now ive got it right)

how er it was he got his trunk

entangled in the telephunk

the more he tried to get it free,

the louder buzzed the telephee.

(i fear id better quit this song

of elehop and telephong.)

22. Q: Whats grey, yellow, grey, yellow, grey, yellow, grey, yellow,

grey, yellow, grey, yellow?

A: An elephant rolling down a hill with a daisy in its mouth!

23. Q: Why did the Elephant stand on the marshmellow?

A: So she wouldnt fall in the hot chocolate.

24. Q: Why is an elephant big, grey, and wrinkly?

A: Because, if it was small, white and smooth it would be an Aspirin.

25. Q: Whats grey and white on the inside and red on the outside?

A: An inside out elephant.

26. Q: Whats grey and white on the inside and red and white on the outside?

A: Campbells Cream of Elephant soup.

27. Q: What is grey and not there.

A: No elephants.

28. Q: How do you shoot a blue elephant?

A: With a blue elephant gun, of course.

29. Q: How do you shoot a red elephant?

A: No, not with a red elephant gun. You strangle him until he turns blue,

and then shoot him with a blue elephant gun.

30. Q: How do you shoot a green elephant?

A: Tell him a dirty joke so he turns red, strangle him until he turns blue,

and then shoot him with a blue elephant gun.

The list continues below

Click Here

31. Q: How do you shoot a yellow elephant?

A: Theres no such thing as a yellow elephant, stupid!

32. Q: Why do elephants paint their balls red?

A: So they can hide in cherry trees.

33. Q: Whats the loudest noise in the jungle?

A: Giraffes eating cherries.

34. Q: How did Tarzan die?

A: Picking cherries.

35. Q: Whats the fastest thing in the jungle?

A: A monkey carrying a bunch of cherries.

36. Q: How do you get an elephant out of a tree?

A: Stand it on a leaf and wait till Autumn.

37. Q: Why did the elephant fall out of the tree?

A: Because it was dead.

38. Q: Why did the second elephant fall out of the tree?

A: It was stapled to the first one.

39. Q: Why did the third elephant fall out of the tree?

A: It thought it was a game.

40. Q: And why did the tree fall down?

A: It thought it was an elephant.

This black guy walks into a bar with a beautiful parrot on his shoulder.

Wow! says the bartender. That is really something. Whered you get it?

Africa, says the parrot.

He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

(Joseph Romm, Washington)



She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that used to dangle from screen doors and would fly up whenever you banged the door open again.

(Rich Murphy, Fairfax Station)



The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldnt.

(Russell Beland, Springfield)



McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty Bag filled with vegetable soup.

(Paul Sabourin, Silver Spring)



From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when youre on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7 p.m. instead of 7:30.

(Roy Ashley, Washington)



Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.

(Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)



Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the center.

(Russell Beland, Springfield)



Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

(Unknown)



He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.

(Jack Bross, Chevy Chase)



The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

(Gary F. Hevel, Silver Spring)



Her date was pleasant enough, but she knew that if her life was a movie this guy would be buried in the credits as something like Second Tall Man.

(Russell Beland, Springfield)



Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

(Jennifer Hart, Arlington)



The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the period after the Dr. on a Dr Pepper can.

(Wayne Goode, Madison, Ala.)



They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigans teeth.

(Paul Kocak, Syracuse, N.Y.)



John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

(Russell Beland, Springfield)



The thunder was ominous-sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play.

(Barbara Fetherolf, Alexandria)



His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

(Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

Mad Cow Disease

One day two cows were chatting over the fence separating their two fields. The first cow said, Im telling you, this mad cow disease is getting pretty scary! Ive heard its spreading so fast that its already on Farmer Rubins land just down the road!

The second cow replied, So what? It doesnt affect us chickens!

A Jewish man and his wife were planning a vacation. They ended up in an argument, though …

Its Hawaii Im telling you! she said.

Oy! I never KNEW someone so stubborn! Havaii is how its pronounced! he replied. And so it went all the way to the vacation …

As they got off the airplane, they passed by a man. The husband abruptly stopped the wife and turned to the man to ask, Now that were on the island, you can settle an argument between my wife and I. Is this Hawaii or Havaii?

This is Havaii, the man replied.

Ha! the husband said, turning to his wife, See, didnt I tell you never to argue with me? Im alllll-ways right!

As the began to walk away, he turned back and gave the man a hearty Thank you!

Youre Velcome!!!

A somewhat advanced society has figured how to package basic knowledge in pill form.

A student, needing some learning, goes to the pharmacy and asks what kind of knowledge pills are available. The pharmacist says Heres a pill for English literature.

The student takes the pill and swallows it and has new knowledge about English literature!

What else do you have? asks the student.

Well, I have pills for art history, biology, and world history, replies the pharmacist.

The student asks for these, and swallows them and has new knowledge about those subjects.

Then the student asks, Do you have a pill for math?

The pharmacist says Wait just a moment, and goes back into the storeroom and brings back a whopper of a pill and plunks it on the counter.

I have to take that huge pill for math? inquires the student.

The pharmacist replied Well, you know … math always was a little hard to swallow.