Old and New Jokes

Question:

How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?

Answer:

Such number as may be deemed to perform the stated task in a timely and efficient manner within the strictures of the following agreement:

Whereas the party of the first part, also known as The Lawyer, and the party of the second part, also known as The Light Bulb, do hereby and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed upon duties, i.e., the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the entry way, terminating at an area just inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the parties.

The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be limited to, the following steps:

The party of the first part (Lawyer) shall, with or without elevation at his option, by means of a chair, stepstool, ladder or any other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and rotate the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a counter-clockwise direction, said direction being non-negotiable. Said grasping and rotation of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be undertaken by the party of the first part (Lawyer) with every possible caution by the party of the first part (Lawyer) to maintain the structural integrity of the party of the second part (Light Bulb), notwithstanding the aforementioned failure of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) to perform the aforementioned customary and agreed upon duties. The foregoing notwithstanding, however, both parties stipulate that structural failure of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) may be incidental to the aforementioned failure to perform and in such case the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall be held blameless for such structural failure insofar as this agreement is concerned so long as the non-negotiable directional codicil (counter-clockwise) is observed by the party of the first part (Lawyer) throughout.

Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part (Light Bulb) becomes separated from the party of the third part (Receptacle), the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of disposing of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a manner consistent with all applicable state, local and federal statutes.

Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of beginning installation of the party of the fourth part(New Light Bulb). This installation shall occur in a manner consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in step one of this self-same document, being careful to note that the rotation should occur in a clockwise direction, said direction also being non-negotiable.

NOTE: The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of the first part (Lawyer), by said party of the first part (Lawyer), by his heirs and assigns, or by any and all persons authorized by him to do so, the objective being to produce a level of illumination in the immediate vicinity of the aforementioned front (north) door consistent with maximization of ingress and revenue for the party of the fifth part, also known as The Firm.

1. Woman who goes to mans apartment for snack, gets titbit.

2. Man who lay woman on ground, get peace on earth.

3. Man who gets kicked in testicles, left holding the bag.

4. Man who kisses girls behind, gets crack in face.

5. Passionate kiss like spider web-lead to undoing of fly.

6. Man with holes in pocket, feels cocky all day.

7. Man who fight with wife all day, get no piece at night.

8. Virginity like balloon-one prick, all gone.

9. Girls who rides bicycle, peddles ass all over town.

10. He who farts in church, sits in own pew.

11. Baseball all wrong-man with four balls cant walk.

12. Man who live in glass house, dress in basement.

13. Kotex not best thing on earth, but next to best thing.

14. Man with penis in peanut butter is f***ing nuts.

15. Man who walk through airport door sideways is going to Bangkok.

16. Man who drop watch in toilet, bound to have shitty time.

17. Man who take lady on camping trip, have one intent.

18. Man who go to bed with sex on mind wake up with solution in hand.

Q: How many bureaucrats does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One to spot the burned-out bulb, his supervisor to authorize a requisition, a requisition typist, twelve clerks to file the requisition copies, a mail clerk to deliver the requisition to the purchasing department, a purchasing agent to order the bulb, a clerk to forward the purchasing order, a clerk to mail-order a receiving clerk to receive the bulb….

Being a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime, unless youre a conservative radio host. Then its an illness and you need our prayers for your recovery.

The United States should get out of the United Nations, and our highest national priority is enforcing U.N. resolutions against Iraq.

Government should relax regulation of Big Business and Big Money but crack down on individuals who use marijuana to relieve the pain of illness.

Standing Tall for America means firing your workers and moving their jobs to India.

A woman cant be trusted with decisions about her own body, but multi-national corporations can make decisions affecting all mankind without regulation.

Jesus loves you, and shares your hatred of homosexuals and Hillary Clinton.

The best way to improve military morale is to praise the troops in speeches while slashing veterans benefits and combat pay.

Group sex and drug use are degenerate sins unless you someday run for governor of California as a Republican.

If condoms are kept out of schools, adolescents wont have sex.

A good way to fight terrorism is to belittle our long-time allies, then demand their cooperation and money.

HMOs and insurance companies have the interest of the public at heart.

Providing health care to all Iraqis is sound policy. Providing health care to all Americans is socialism.

Global warming and tobaccos link to cancer are junk science, but creationism should be taught in schools.

Saddam was a good guy when Reagan armed him, a bad guy when Bushs daddy made war on him, a good guy when Cheney did business with him and a bad guy when Bush needed a we cant find Bin Laden diversion.

A president lying about an extramarital affair is an impeachable offense. A president lying to enlist support for a war in which thousands die is solid defense policy.

Government should limit itself to the powers named in the Constitution, which include banning gay marriages and censoring the Internet.

The public has a right to know about Hillarys cattle trades, but George Bushs driving record is none of our business.

You support states rights, which means Attorney General John Ashcroft can tell states what local voter initiatives they have a right to adopt.

What Bill Clinton did in the 1960s is of vital national interest, but what Bush did in the 80s is irrelevant.

Trade with Cuba is wrong because the country is communist, but trade with China and Vietnam is vital to a spirit of international harmony.

What are the blondes first words after 4 years of college? "Would you like fries with that?"

A man walked into a curio store and was looking around. After awhile, he chose a brass rat and brought it up to the counter.



The proprietor said, that will be $10 for the brass rat and $1,000 for the story behind it.

The man said, Thanks, but Ill just pay the $10 and pass on the story.



He purchased the brass rat and left the store.

As he was walking down the street, he started noticing all sorts of rats following him. The further he walked — the more rats followed. He walked down to the wharf and still more rats came out and followed him. So, he decided to walk out into the water, which he did — and all the rats drowned.



He returned to the store where he purchased the brass rat, and when he walked in, the proprietor said, Ah ha! You came back to pay the $1,000 for the story, right?



Nope, replied the man, Just came back to see if you have any brass lawyers!

You might be a redneck if…
You call your boss "Buddy", on a regular basis.

A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to
go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he
does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled.

The man turns to her and says, Maam, if your heart is as soft as your breast,
I know youll forgive me.

She replies, If your penis is as hard as your elbow, Im in room 1221.

Un tipo libertino le pregunta a otro:

Oye, ¿no sabes de alguna chica, que esté bien buena y que yo no conozca? Lo que pasa es que ya me cogí a todas las chavas de este pueblo.

Su amigo le comenta acerca de una joven apodada La Profunda, a la que nadie había podido hacerla gozar.

El tipo, presumiendo ser experto en cuestiones sexuales, se va muy confiado a la casa de la chica. Al llegar, el sujeto le ofrece a La Profunda que si tienen sexo, él la haría gozar por primera vez. La mujer, no muy convencida, acepta el trato.

El tipo se baja el pantalón y, sin más, la empieza a penetrar. El hombre comienza a gemir, mientras la muchacha está como si nada. De repente, el tipo comienza a sentir que se hunde dentro de la chica, y en el forcejeo para evitar ser tragado por ella se le va el zapato adentro de su hoyo. Entonces, para recuperar su zapato se adentra en la chica y empieza a buscarlo. Repentinamente, ve a un árabe que estaba sentado, y le pregunta:

¿Tú también intentaste acostarte con La Profunda, verdad?

Sí, hasta mi camello se la quiso coger y no pudo.

Oye, ¿me ayudarías a encontrar mi zapato?

Claro, pero primero busquemos a mi camello.

En nuestras vidas siempre existe una primera vez, una experiencia desconocida que ataca nuestra mente con los fantasmas del miedo… Era mi primera cita, sentía temor y, sin embargo, yo la había organizado y no podía echarme atrás. No había ninguna razón para tener miedo: al fin y al cabo era yo misma quién había marcado la entrevista. Pero mi cabeza marchaba por un camino y el cuerpo por otro…

El cuerpo, siempre esclava del cuerpo… Cuando finalmente me acerqué a su casa, un escalofrío estremeció todo mi ser y, al momento de abrirse la puerta, tuve que hacer un esfuerzo por controlar el temblor de mis piernas. Entré. Él me estaba esperando. Inmediatamente me tomó por el brazo y me llevó a una habitación. Con la mayor cortesía me invito a acostarme.

Aunque era la primera vez que hacía aquello, cuando le vi me inspiró confianza y comprendí que no podría encontrar una persona más adecuada para hacerme lo que él estaba a punto de hacer.

Poco a poco, se fue acercando. Creo que notó mi nerviosismo y trató de tranquilizarme diciéndome que sabía lo que había que hacer, cómo y dónde hacerlo. Lo había hecho cientos de veces y nunca había recibido ninguna queja.

Por fin, cuando mis músculos comenzaron a relajarse, me indicó cuál era la postura más adecuada y poniéndome la mano en el hombro continuó diciéndome cosas agradables para darme ánimos.

Pero yo seguía hecha un flan y la proximidad entre los dos se hizo casi dolorosa. Sentí la fuerte presión de sus manos en mi brazo y el cálido y agradable aliento de su boca acercarse a mi rostro. De repente, me entró algo duro. Cielo santo. El tipo me cogió por sorpresa, sin avisar, así, a pelo. Mi cuerpo no estaba acostumbrado a este tipo de experiencias y comencé a temblar de miedo y angustia.

Pasaron unos minutos que a mí me parecieron siglos; de pronto, comencé a sentir un dolor insoportable y grité a la vez que todo mi ser se estremecía. A medida que transcurrían los minutos, el dolor se iba haciendo más y más fuerte y no tardó en empezar a salirme sangre. Le dije que lo sacara, que me estaba doliendo mucho, pero me dijo que ya casi estaba y que no podía dejarlo así. Grité angustiada y dolorida hasta que me saltaron las lágrimas. Pero el tipo seguía y seguía sin parar, sin importarle mis gritos, sujetándome con su fuerza de macho bruto. La cabeza me daba vueltas. Pensé que me iba a desmayar y casi llorando le pedí que parara, que ya no aguantaba más.

Inesperadamente, el dolor cesó y todo mi cuerpo fue recorrido por una indescriptible sensación de bienestar. Entonces me di cuenta de que todo había acabado.

Finalmente llegó la hora de marcharse y le agradecí al dentista que me hubiese sacado esa muela que tanto dolor me había causado y me despedí pidiéndole disculpas por mi exagerado comportamiento.