Old and New Jokes

An archaeologist was digging in the Negev Desert in Israel and came upon a casket containing a mummy. After examining it, he called the curator of a prestigious natural-history museum.

Ive just discovered a 3,000 year-old mummy of a man who died of heart failure! the excited scientist exclaimed.

To which the curator replied, Bring him in. Well check it out.

A week later, the amazed curator called the archaeologist. You were right about the mummys age and cause of death. How in the world did you know?

Easy. There was a piece of paper in his hand that said, 10,000 Shekels on Goliath.

Did you hear the one about the <ethnic> who came home and found
his wife between the sheets with another man ? Well, he pulls out a gun,
saying Thats enough! Im going to put an end to this once and for all!
Then he puts the gun up to his head.

The unfaithful wife shouts Dont do it! Dont do it! Dont kill yourself!

The enraged <ethnic> replies, Shut up, bitch–cause youre next!

Robert Heath

After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, You know, I was a fool
when married you.

The husband replied, Yes, dear, but I was in love and didnt
notice.

Q: Did you hear about the Polish man that locked his keys in his car?

A: He had to use a coat hanger to get his family out.

Continuing with our list of dumb excuses that will guarantee you wont be invited out again! (unless of course your married an the wife makes you go!)

ID LOVE TO BUT…

… I changed the lock on my door and now I cant get out. … I feel a song coming on. … I have to be on the next train to Bermuda. … I have to bleach my hare. … I have too much guilt. … I just picked up a book called Glue in Many Lands and Im stuck on it… … I never go out on days that end in Y. … I promised to help a friend re-fold road maps. … Im attending a perfume convention as guest sniffer. … Im having all my plants neutered. … Im making a home movie called The Thing That Grew in My Refrigerator. … Im too old for that stuff. … Im too young for that stuff. … Im touring China with a wok band. … Im trying desperately to be less popular. … Im uncomfortable when Im alone or with others. … Im waiting to see if Im already a winner. … My bathroom tiles need grouting. … My chocolate-appreciation class meets that night. … My mother would never let me hear the end of it. … My yucca plant is feeling yucky.

Thought For The Day:

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

…Sacha Guitry

A completely inebriated man walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, he walked over to her, placed his hand up her skirt and began fondling her.

She jumped up and slapped him silly. He immediately apologized and explained, Im sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her.

Why you drunken, worthless, insufferable asshole! she screamed.

Thats really odd, he muttered, You even sound exactly like her.

A man was driving down a quiet country lane when out into the road strayed a rooster. Whack! The rooster disappeared under the car followed by a large cloud of feathers.

Shaken, the man pulled over at the farmhouse, and rang the door bell. A farmer appeared.

The man, somewhat nervously said, I think I killed your rooster, please allow me to replace him.

Suit yourself, the farmer replied, the hens are round the back.

An elderly woman decided to have her portrait painted.

She told the artist….



…..Paint me with diamond earrings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets, a ruby broach, and gold Rolex.



But you are not wearing any of those things.



I know, she said. Its in case I should die before my husband. Im sure he will remarry right away, and I want his new wife to go crazy looking for the jewelry.

Lots of Republicans (particularly in Virginia), ecstatic over Patriot [P-a-t-r-i-o-t] [Pardoned And Termed Respectable Instead Of Tarnished] Oliver Norths nomination for the VA senators race, are shouting: OLLIE – LULLIA!

Le dice un amigo a otro:

Está mi mujer que se vuelve loca pensando en la jodienda. ¿Sabes lo que me dijo la otra noche?

¿Qué te dijo?

Méteme 30 centímetros y hazme daño.

¿Y tú qué hiciste?

¡Pues se la metí tres veces y le di dos puñetazos en cada ojo!