Knock Knock
Whos there?
Marcella!
Marcella who?
Marcella is full of water and Im drowning, help!
21
May
21
May
Merlin, Inc. technical support. How can I help you?
Yesterday Ive bought your sword …
Congratulations, sir, youve made the right choice!
It doesnt work.
What does it mean – doesnt work?
It doesnt cut the dragons head.
Have you read the manual, sir?
A noble knight have not to know how to read! But my armour-bearer has read it for me aloud twice.
Well, sir. Have you taken the sword out of the sheath?
Yes.
Is that really so? Check it again, please.
Ive done it, I say to you!
Okay, sir. Now check the edge sharpness.
Ough!
You shouldnt do it with your finger, sir.
What thinger? Ive done it with my phongue! I always check a sharp flavour of my dishes like that.
You see, sir, a sword has a bit different construction than your dinner dishes. The term sharp means here …
Im not obliged to know you technical terms! Im a user, not a hardware specialist. Youd better answer why doesnt it work!
Did it work before?
I dont know, Ive bought it only yesterday!
Okay, sir. Have you done anything with it?
No!
Are you sure?
Well, I only took it out of the sheath.
Did you try to grind it yourself?
What for?
You know better, sir. Maybe you tried to install new spells on it?
No, I use the default ones, which are supplied with the sword!
Maybe its the spoiling, sir? How long ago have you updated your holy water?
Ive downloaded the fresh version only two days ago!
I see, sir. Then look if there are unscreened sources of black magic nearby. They may create hindrances for the sword.
What sources?! Im in the desert!
Dont be so nervous, sir.
Im not nervous!
Then why do you pant?
Because the dragon is chasing me!
Oh, so the dragon is near you?
Yes, genius, he is already QUITE near!
Excellent, sir! Give him the receiver.
And what if he bites my arm off?
Sorry, sir, but medical issues are beyond our competence.
Next time Ill buy a sword of Morgana, Ltd.!
Well … okay, sir. Describe at least how the dragon looks.
Well, he is such … yellow … with a red moustache …
Its clear now. You should begin with it. Its a non-licensed dragon, a Chinese counterfeit.
And?
Read the license agreement, sir. Merlin, Inc. doesnt guarantee any compatibility with non-certified devices.
And what shall I do?
Dont use cheap no-name dragons anymore, sir.
Looks like HE is going to use me right now! Aaagh! No! Aaaaarrrgghhh!!!! …
Sir? Sir, are you okay? … Well, in any case, Merlin, Inc. thanks you for your business.
20
May
You should not attempt these things during an actual exam. The following is meant for entertainment purposes only.
27. Every now and then, clap twice rapidly. If the instructor asks why, tell him/her in a very derogatory tone, the light bulb that goes on above my head when I get an idea is hooked up to a clapper. DUH!
20
May
Honey, I have a confession to make, a guy told his bride. Im a golf nut. Youll never see me on weekends during golf season.
Well, dear, she murmured. I have a confession to make too. Im a hooker.
No big deal, replied the groom. Just keep your head down and your left arm straight!
19
May
One day there was a woman who lost her cat named LOVE. It was pretty dark outside and she lived in New York. So, thinking that he might be down the street, she put on her house-coat and went looking for him.
When a police officer stopped to ask what she was doing, she said very honestly, Im looking for LOVE. The policeman arrested her on the spot.
19
May
Luego de la creación, cuando Adán y Eva ya sabÃan de las delicias de la manzana prohibida después de haber cometido el famoso pecado original, a Dios se le ocurrió hacer una visita al ParaÃso para contemplar su creación y ver a su imagen y semejanza: Adán.
Pasada una breve charla, al Mero-Mero se le ocurre preguntar por Eva. Al ser interrogado, Adán se vio obligado a contarle todo el asunto de la manzana y seguidamente le comunicó al Creador que ésta andaba lavándose el chunche en el rÃo…
Rayos y truenos inundaron el Cielo reflejando la furia del Señor. Y fue en medio de aquel estruendo que la voz de Dios se abrió paso:
!Jueputa! ¿Pero qué hiciste?… ¡AHORA TODOS LOS PESCADOS VAN A OLER A ESA MIERDA!
18
May
What do polar bears have that no other animal has?
Polar bear babies.
17
May
A library is a somewhat easy place to annoy the people sitting around you, but for those of you with less then stellar creativity, we have made a list of things you can do…1. Read out loud. Very loud. And slowly.2. While pointing to a very simple word, like the, ask the person next to you if he/she can pronounce it for you.3. While looking at your book, turn so you’re facing the person. Then, peer over the top of your book, and say PEEKABOO!!4. Put down you book, and look over and start reading the other persons book, and, either 1) say Ooo. Nice book. or 2) when he/she looks at you, quickly pick up your book and act like your reading it.5. Suddenly look over at him/her, and say, You’re one of THEM!6. Put down you book, and look at him/her. When they says something like what?, cut them off by saying Are you accusing me of something?7. Read your book. Upside down.8. Read your book from right to left. And flip the pages the same way.9. Flip the page every two or so seconds.10. Pick up your book, put it down, and say, Wow. That was a good book.11. Read silently, and then as if speaking to the character in your book, say, No, Jim! Its a trap! Dont do it!! Then turn to the person and reply solemnly, He did it. when he/she looks at you.12. Turn to the person and ask, Have you ever experienced déjà vu and amnesia at the same time?13. Start arguing with yourself, then when he/she looks at you funny, say Ohh, Im sorry. I was just telling my subconscious to be quiet.14. Sit down, and then say to the person next to you, Hi! My names (…) and Im really glad to meet you.15. Ask him/her if he/she knew there are eddies in the space/time continuum.16. Ask him/her what species he/she is.17. Every so often, yelp in pain, and look at your feet.18. Bring a bag or purse, and peer into it and say, Got enough air in their? or, Settle down in there. Im trying t
17
May
FOODPORN: Pornography for dieters (?) by Frank LaRosa
Brought to you by Searchlight bbs 516-724-0971
Dear Editors,
I read your fine magazine eagerly each month, and one of my
favorite features is the letters you receive from your readers. I
always enjoy hearing about their exploits, but until now I never
thought anything like that could ever happen to me. However all that
changed last Friday night, when I had one of the most incredible
experiences of my life, and felt I just had to write and share it
with everyone.
It was about 10:30 PM and I was sitting in my dorm room going
over some boring math homework that I really didnt feel like doing.
Normally there is plenty to do on Friday nights at my college, but it
was the first day of spring break and the campus was practically
deserted. Since I couldnt afford to go to Florida with my buddies,
I was forced to spend the vacation on campus by myself. I was fully
expecting a rather dull week of nothing but studying and watching TV.
Anyway, I was concentrating on my math book when suddenly I
heard a loud bang and a screech coming from outside. I rushed to the
window to see what had happened. On the street below I saw a white
minivan with the words Carlos Italian Restaurant on the side. The
van pulled slowly to the side of the road, obviously suffering from
a tire blowout. Relieved at an excuse to break up the monotony of my
studying, I decided to go outside and see if I could be of any help.
As I approached the van I could see the driver, an overweight,
brown haired woman who introduced herself as Gail. We both examined
the flat tire and I asked Gail where she was heading. She said she
was supposed to deliver an order of Italian food to a party, some
rich eccentrics who lived in the upper part of town, she said. But
the party had been cancelled at the last minute and she was
returning with their order. She said she didnt think there was a
spare tire in the van but I suggested that we take a look anyway.
We went around to the back of the van and Gail opened the rear
doors. A warm rush of steam came from inside, carrying the rich
scent of fresh tomato sauce and Italian bread. In the cargo area
were trays and trays of lasagna, meatballs, and pork smothered in
sauce. A stack of pizza boxes lay to one side, and I could see what
looked like a case of beer towards the back. Never in my wildest
fantasies had I seen anything like the banquet that lay before me
now. After living on lousy school cafeteria food for the past two
months, it all seemed something like a dream come true.
Gail looked around and said she couldnt find the spare tire.
She sighed, giving me a strangely seductive look. Well, she said,
I guess I wont be able to get back to the restaurant for a while.
It would sure be a shame to let all this food go to waste. At that,
I knew something incredible was about to happen. Gail manouvered her
pudgy frame into the back of the truck. I couldnt believe my eyes
as she began unwrapping the mountain of food before us. Here, she
said, handing me a huge tray of lasagna. The dish was warm and heavy
and full of rich Italian smells. When I looked back I noticed that
Gail had started without me and was already busy with a large,
greasy pepperoni pizza.
I sat on the edge of the van and removed the tin foil from the
lasagna tray. I peeled the foil back slowly, carefully, revealing
the hot pleasures within. The sauce oozed like lava around the melty
mozarella cheese, and pools of oil were everywhere. I ran my finger
along the edge of the plate, and then gently through the heart of
the food, delighting in the warm, slippery feel of the pasta
underneath. After a few minutes of working my fingers in and out I
removed them and slowly licked off the sweet-tasting sauce.
My sense of hunger heightened, I lifted the tray closer to my
face. My hands sank into the center of the lasagna, scooping out
huge globs of pasta, sauce, and cheese. I lifted the food to my
mouth and stuffed it sloppily into my waiting hole. I chewed and
swallowed deeply, my eyes closed in ecstasy. My entire digestive
tract tingled as the food made its way down my esophagus and into
the pit of my stomach. Incensed, I grabbed hungrily for the lasagna,
stuffing my mouth till it was about to burst, choking it down so
fast that it almost hurt, and stuffing my face again. In a matter of
minutes I had lapped up the entire tray, licking it clean so as to
get every drop.
I stood up and caught my breath. After such a feast I was sure I
could eat no more, but the sight of several open pizza boxes soon
had me going again. Reaching out, I tore off about half of a huge
15 inch pizza covered with pepperoni, mushrooms, and sausage. I
folded the thick dough and thrust the pizza mouthward, alternately
chewing at the crust and then sucking in the tender, cheesy filling.
My mind in a blissful daze, I spent the next several minutes in this
position, until I had devoured every last mouthful.
By this time Gail had discovered the beer, and she handed me a
tall, frosty bottle. I wrenched off the cap and lifted the beer to
my mouth, pouring it eagerly down my throat. As I drank in a frenzy,
beer spilled out the corners of my mouth and dripped onto my face,
neck and clothing. Oblivious to the world, I continued consuming the
brew like a madman until every drop was gone.
Finally, I could take no more. Grasping my stomach, I stumbled
towards the grass on the side of the road. I opened my mouth and
burped into the warm night, longer and louder than I had ever done
before. The substance of my belch seemed to hang in the air in front
of me, thick with the aroma of pizza and beer. I burped a second
time, then lay on the soft ground and fell into a deep, satisfying
sleep.
When I awoke several hours later, Gail and the restaurant van
were gone. I never saw them again after that night, but the fond
memories of our encounter will stay with me forever. Perhaps someday
Ill meet Gail again, and if I do Ill be sure to write and tell you
all about it.
– Name and address withheld by request
seeley@dalcsug.uucp
16
May
Ginsbergs Theorem: 1. You cant win. 2. You cant break even. 3. You cant even quit the game.