Top Ten Things Only Women Understand
10. Cats facial expressions.
9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors.
8. Why bean sprouts arent just weeds.
7. Fat clothes.
6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time.
5. The difference between beige, off-white and eggshell.
4. Cutting your bangs to make them grow.
3. Eyelash curlers.
2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.
And the number one thing women understand…
1. Other women!
Q: Did you hear about the blonde lesbian?
A: She kept having affairs with men!
Hanging in the hallway at the High School are the basketball team pictures from the past 40 years. A player in the center of the front row in each picture holds a basketball identifying the year — 62-63, 63-64, 64-65, etc.
One day I spotted a freshman looking curiously at the photos. Turning to me, he said, Isnt it strange how the teams always lost by one point?
10. Honey, why is an 18-wheeler from Amazon.com backing into our driveway?
9. One Secret Service agent is sitting on your head while another is slapping cuffs on you.
8. Apparently, your flame war with DonCorleone@mafia.com is about to turn ugly.
7. When you log on, your computer says Youve got lawsuits!
6. Youre suddenly getting more Spam than the Hormel outlet store.
5. Sothebys says the Rembrandt is yours and that you now owe them $71,000,000 and change.
4. You now have 130,000 ClubTop5 subscriptions and the list moderator is on the cover of Business Week.
3. Terse Knock it off, Oedipus e-mail from your Mom.
2. Your wife calls you at the office to report that Pogdi, your Pakistani mail-order bride, has arrived.
1. The resistance welcomes your involvement. Your contact information has been forwarded to a local insurgent who will bring supplies and reinforcements to you immediately.
¿Es usted bien paraguayo?
Ud. es un paraguayo Taky (purete) si:
• Cree que el paraguayo por lo general es tavy.
• Cree que la corrupción es algo folclórico.
• Tiene negocios turbios mÃnimo con el señor obispo.
• Tiene en su ómnibus la imagen de la virgen de Caacupé de un lado y del otro el póster desplegable de una modelo en poca o ninguna ropa.
• Cuando se rÃe siempre termina con un iiuuu final.
• Su sueldo es obviamente mucho menos de lo que gasta mensualmente.
• Calcula un cajón de cerveza por invitado.
• Calcula 1 kilo de carne por invitado si NO hay chorizos antes.
• Igual nomás calcula 1 kilo de carne por invitado si hay chorizos antes.
• Cree que chupar es la actividad recreativa por excelencia.
• Dice que falto trago cuando pudieron salir caminando de la fiesta.
También Ud. podrá acreditar ser un paraguayo Taky si es que:
• Tiene la esperanza de que el fin del mundo va a solucionar los problemas del paÃs.
• Cree que los corruptos sobrevivirán al fin del mundo.
• Con el tema del fin del mundo encontró ya otra vez una razón para chupar hasta la muerte.
• Para prepararse para la catástrofe del planeta no acopia alimentos sino grandes cantidades de cerveza.
• Cree que los polÃticos pueden evitar el fin del mundo.
• Cree que el verdadero y terrorÃfico fin del mundo será cuando se acaben las bebidas.
• Cree que ningún terremoto puede empeorar más de lo que ya están nuestras calles.
Finalmente, si quiere ser un paraguayo Taky todavÃa tiene la opción si es que:
• Cree que todo se festeja con asado y chupi.
• Cree que celebración espontánea significa chupi solo.
• Con tal de chupar celebra hasta el aniversario de su operación de apendicitis.
• Tiene un socio que le consiga acelerar algo en cualquier dependencia pública.
• No puede ver un partido de fútbol por TV si no es acompañado de chupi, asado y toda la perrada.
• Vive en Asunción, pero tiene chapa de Ypehu y registro de conducir de Carapegua.
• Cree que la caña con ruda es remedio, y si no hay ruda, la caña igual cura la mitad.
• Cuando se habla de escuchar algo folclórico paraguayo llama por celular a los mariachis.
• Cree que ambientar una fiesta es poner cuatro globos en la puerta y tener treinta cajones de cerveza enfriando.
• Cuando le rechazan un trago le pregunta a la otra persona: ¿qué le duele?
• Cuando come cualquier cosa con pan y si es posible en medio como sándwich (ejemplo: empanadas con pan).
• Nunca va solo al baño
• Deja la puerta abierta cuando está en el baño cambiando el agua al canario.
¡PIIIIIIIIPUUUUU, ASà SOMOS LOS PARAGUAYOS, CARAJO! ¡Y A MUCHA HONRA! ¿VERDAD?
Be nice to your kids. Theyll choose your nursing home.
A young lady in the maternity ward just prior to labor is asked by the midwife if she would like her husband to be present at the birth.Im afraid I dont have a husband she replies.OK Do you have a boyfriend?, asks the Midwife.No, no boyfriend either.Do you have a partner then?No, Im unattached, Ill be having my baby on my own.After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman.You have a healthy bouncing baby girl, but I must warn you before you see her that the baby is black.Well, replies the girl, I was very down on my luck, with no money and nowhere to live, and so I accepted a job in a porno movie. The leading man was black.Oh, says the midwife, its really none of my business and Im sorry that I have to ask you these awkward questions, but I must also tell you that the baby has blonde hair.Well yes, the girl again replies, you see the co-star in the movie was this Swedish guy.Oh, the midwife repeats, its really none of my business and I hate to pry further but your baby also has slanted eyes.Yes, continues the girl, there was a little Chinese man also in the movie, I really had no choice.At this, the midwife collects the baby and presents her to the girl, who immediately proceeds to give baby a slap on the bum.The baby starts crying and the mother exclaims, Thank God for that!What do you mean? says the midwife, shocked.Well, says the girl extremely relieved, I had this horrible feeling that it was going to bark!
1. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
2. A 3-year-old is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
3. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42-pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a superman cape. It is strong enough, however, to spread paint on all four walls of a large room.
5. When using the ceiling fan as a baseball bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
6. The glass in windows (even double pane) doesnt stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "Uh-oh," its already too late.
8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
9. A six-year-old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year-old man says they can only do it in the movies. A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day.
10. Certain Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a six-year-old.
11. "Play-Doh" and "microwave" should never be used in the same sentence.
12. Super glue is forever.
13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still cant walk on water.
14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
15. VCRs do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
16. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. foot house 4 inches deep.
17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise in a moving car.
18. You probably do not want to know what that odor is.
19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not like ovens.
20. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy. It will, however, make cats dizzy.
21. Cats spit up twice their body weight when dizzy.
[This was forwarded to me by a co-worker and is reportedly an…]
Excerpt from The Sunday Press, Dublin, 25-Aug-1991
Apropos recent events, in case youre wondering what will become
of all the unemployed KGB men in the event of a change of regime in
the USSR, I was talking to a German friend recently and asked him
what had become of all the former Stasi secret policement of East
Germany.
Oh theyre all taxi drivers now, he said, it was the obvious
solution.
Why is that? I asked.
Simple, he said, you just give them your name–and they know
where you live.
A man tried to sell his neighbor a new dog. This is a talking dog, he said. And you can have him for five dollars.
The neighbor said, Who do you think youre kidding with this talking dog stuff? There aint no such animal. Suddenly the dog looked up with tears in his eyes. Please buy me, sir, he pleaded. This man is cruel. He never buys me a meal, never bathes me, never takes me for a walk. And I used to be the richest trick dog in America. I performed before kings. I was in the army and was decorated ten times. Hey! said the neighbor. He can talk. Why do you want to sell him for just five dollars? Because, said the seller, Im getting tired of all his lies.