Old and New Jokes

A drunken sailor on liberty got into a big mud puddle in the street and was looking for something there.

Soon two other sailors came over and asked him: Hey, bud, what are you looking for?

You better give me a hand, men, said the drunk.

The new arrivals walked into the puddle too and set about searching something unknown. At last the first drunk got out of the puddle and exclaimed: Ive found it!

What did you find?

The shore! he exclaimed.

1. We got off the Titanic first.

2. We can scare male bosses with mysterious gynecological disorder excuses.

3. We never ejaculate prematurely.

4. We get to flirt with systems support men who always return our calls and are nice to us when we blow up our computers.

5. When we buy a vibrator its glamorous. When men buy a blowup doll, its pathetic.

6. Our boyfriends clothes make us look elfin and gorgeous. Guys look like complete idiots in ours.

7. We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers.

8. We can cry and get off speeding fines.

9. Weve never lusted after a cartoon character or the central figure in a computer game.

10. Taxis stop for us.

11. Men die earlier, so we get to cash in on the life insurance.

12. We dont look like a frog in a blender when dancing.

13. Free drinks, free dinners, free moving (you get the point?).

14. We can hug our friend without wondering if she thinks were gay.

15. We know the truth about whether size matters.

16. New lipstick gives us a whole new lease on life.

17. If we have sex with someone and dont call the next day, were not the devil.

18. Condoms make no significant difference in our enjoyment of sex.

19. We can sleep our way to the top.

20. Nothing crucial can be cut off with one clean sweep.

21. Its possible to live our whole lives without ever taking a group shower.

22. No fashion faux pas we make could rival Speedos.

23. We dont have to fart to amuse ourselves.

24. If we cheat on our spouse, people assume its because were being emotionally neglected.

25. We never have to wonder if his orgasm was real.

26. If we forget to shave, no one has to know.

27. We can congratulate our teammate without ever touching her arse.

28. If we have a zit, we know how to conceal it.

29. We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.

30. If were dumb, some people will find it cute.

31. We have an excuse to be a total bitch at least once a month.

32. We can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.

33. If we marry someone 20 years younger, were aware that we look like an idiot.

34. Our friends wont think were weird if we ask whether theres spinach in our teeth.

35. There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.

36. Gay waiters dont make us uncomfortable.

37. Well never regret piercing our ears.

38. We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.

A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen and listening to her son playing with his new electric trains in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now because this is the last stop.. All of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses on the train now, because were leaving.

The mother went into the living room and told her son, We dont use that kind of language in this house. Now go to your room for two hours. When you come down, you may play with your trains as long as you use proper language.

Two house later, the mother was still working in the kitchen when her son came out of his room and resumed playing with his trains. The train stopped and the mother heard, All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. For those just boarding, we ask you to stow your hand luggage under the seat and we hope you enjoy your trip.

For those of you who are pissed off about the two hour delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen.

** A waist is a terrible thing to mind. ** Air Pollution is a mist-demeanor. ** Atheism – A non-prophet organization. ** Boycott shampoo!!! Demand True poo! ** Chemistry professors never die, they just smell that way! ** Clones are people two. ** COLES LAW: Thinly sliced cabbage. ** Does the name Pavlov ring a bell? ** Energizer bunny arrested, charged with battery. ** Entropy isnt what it used to be. ** Everyone is entitled to my opinion. ** Gene Police: YOU!! Out of the pool! ** Ground Beef: Cow With No Legs ** Help stamp out, delete, and eradicate unnecessary, superfluous redundancy. ** I used to be indecisive; now Im not sure. ** Microbiology Lab: Staph Only! ** Mouse… n. elephant built by the Japanese. ** My reality check just bounced. ** No sense being pessimistic. It wouldnt work anyway. ** Rap is to music what Etch-a-Sketch is to art. ** Santas elves are just a bunch of subordinate Clauses. ** So, what IF there were no hypothetical questions hypothetically…

I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was –

Youll never find anyone like me again!

Im thinking, I should hope not! If I dont want you, why would I want someone like you?

Relationships are hard. Its like a full-time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp.

A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket.

You know a cow was murdered for that jacket? she sneered.

I replied in a psychotic tone, I didnt know there were any witnesses. Now Ill have to kill you too.

Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Kuwait.

Thou shall not kill. Thou shall not commit adultery. Dont eat pork. Im sorry, what was that last one?? Dont eat pork. God has spoken. Is that the word of God or is that pigs trying to outsmart everybody?

My mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, Mom, they werent trying to teach you how to swim.

In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?

I voted for the Democrats because I didnt like the way the Republicans were running the country. Which is turning out to be like shooting yourself in the head to stop your headache.

A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: Duh.

I dont know whats wrong with my television set. I was getting C-Span and the Home Shopping Network on the same station. I actually bought a congressman.

I had a linguistics professor who said that its mans ability to use language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That may be. But I think theres one other thing that separates us from animals. We arent afraid of vacuum cleaners.

Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: This looks much better on. On what? On fire?

Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if youve got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isnt your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.

If God doesnt destroy Hollywood Boulevard, he owes Sodom and Gomorrah an apology.

The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever see that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there. Corkscrews. Bottle openers. Come on, buddy, lets go. You get past me, the guy in back of me, hes got a spoon. Back off. Ive got the toe clippers right here!

What do a hurricane, a tornado, and a redneck divorce all have in common?

Someones fixin to lose a house trailer…

Yes, but every time I try to see things your way, I get a headache.

-Ashleigh Brilliant

Theyre making headlines!

A farmer purchases an old, run-down, abandoned farm with plans to turn it into a thriving enterprise. The fields are grown over with weeds, the farmhouse is falling apart, and the fences are collapsing all around. During his first day of work, the town preacher stops by to bless the mans work, saying, May you and God work together to make this the farm of your dreams!A few months later, the preacher stops by again to call on the farmer. Lo and behold, its like a completely different place — the farm house is completely rebuilt and in excellent condition, there is plenty of cattle and other livestock happily munching on feed in well-fenced pens, and the fields are filled with crops planted in neat rows. Amazing! the preacher says. Look what God and you have accomplished together!Yes, reverend, says the farmer, but remember what the farm was like when God was working it alone!

Einstein dies and goes to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter tells him, You look like Einstein, but you have no idea the lengths some people will go to sneak into Heaven. Can you prove youre Albert Einstein?

Einstein ponders for a few seconds and then asks, Can I have a blackboard and some chalk? Saint Peter snaps his fingers and a blackboard and chalk instantly appear. Einstein proceeds to describe, in arcane mathematics and symbols, his theory of relativity.

Saint Peter is suitably impressed. You really ARE Einstein! he says. Welcome to heaven!

The next to arrive is Picasso. Once again, Saint Peter asks for credentials. Picasso asks, Mind if I use that blackboard and chalk?

Saint Peter says, Go ahead.

Picasso erases Einsteins equations and sketches a truly stunning mural with just a few strokes of chalk. Saint Peter claps. You are definitely the great artist you claim to be! he says. Come on in!

Then Saint Peter looks up and sees George W. Bush. Saint Peter scratches his head and says, Einstein and Picasso both managed to prove their identity. How can you prove yours?

Dubya looks bewildered and says, Who are Einstein and Picasso?

Saint Peter sighs and says, Come on in, George.