Old and New Jokes

A liberal came upon a genie and said, Youre a genie. Can you grant
me three wishes?

The genie replied, Yes, but only if youre feeling generous enough to
share your good fortune.

The liberal said, Im a liberal. Im always happy to share.

The genie said, Okay, then, whatever you wish for, Ill give every
conservative in the country two of it. Whats your first wish?

I would like a new sports car.

Okay, youve got it, and every conservative in the country gets two
sports cars. Whats your second wish?

Id like a million dollars.

Okay, you get a million dollars, every conservative gets two million
dollars. Whats your third and final wish?

Well, Ive always wanted to donate a kidney.

Q. What do you call an anorexic with a yeast infection?

A. Quarter-pounder with cheese

The teacher says, Children, today I will ask each of you to come to the front of the class and use a word in a sentence. Todays word is beautiful. Little Sally, would you please come up here and use beautiful in a sentence?

Little Sally walked to the front of the room, thought for a moment and said – Teacher, my mom is the most beautiful woman in the world.


Teacher says, Very good, Little Sally, you may sit. Little Frankie, your turn.

Little Frankie walked to the front of the room, thought for a moment and said – Teacher, the sunrise this morning was the most beautiful sunrise I have ever seen. Teacher says, Very good, Little Frankie, you may sit. Little Johnny, its your turn.

Little Johnnie walked to the front of the room, thought for a moment and said – Teacher, last night my big sister told my dad that she was pregnant and he said…


Beautiful, just fuckin BEATUIFUL!

The pretty co-ed nervously asked the doctor to perform an unusual operation: the removal of a large chunk of green wax from her navel. Looking up from the ticklish task, the physician asked, How did this happen?



Let me put it this way, doc, the girl began. My boyfriend likes to eat by candlelight.

Sam and Becky are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary and Sam says to Becky (imagine a Yiddish accent), So, Becky, I was wondering… have you ever cheated on me?

Becky replies, Oh Sam, why would you ask such a question now? You dont want to ask that question…

Yes, Becky, I really want to know. Please…

Well, all right, three times…

Three, hmmm, well when were they?

Well, Sam, remember when you were 35 years old and you really wanted to start the business on your own and no bank would give you a loan… remember? Then one day the bank president himself came over the house and signed the loan papers, no questions asked…? Well…

Oh, Becky, you did that for me! I respect you even more than ever to do such a thing for me…. So when was number two?

Well, Sam, remember when you had that last heart attack and you were needing that very tricky operation, and no surgeon wanted to touch you…? Then remember how Dr. DeBakey came all the way up here to do the surgery himself and then you were in good shape again…? Well….

Oh my G-d!! Becky, you should do such a thing for me to save my life… I couldnt have a more wonderful wife… To do such a thing, oy vay, you must really love me darling… I couldnt be more moved… So, all right then, when was number three?

Well, Sam, remember a few years ago, when you really wanted to be president of the congregation…? And you were a mere 47 votes short…?

Q: How many animals can you fit into a pair of pantyhose?

A: 10 little piggies, 2 calves, 1 ass, 1 beaver, and an unknown number of hares.

You see it all comes down to how you look at things.

One day a man was driving through the country when his car began to sputter and it broke down. There was no gas station for at least a hundred miles where the nearest city was.

He looked around and all he could see was two old farm houses on either side of the road. Just then, a huge storm came up and rain poured out of the sky and began flooding the place. The man, thinking his car will be washed away, takes off for one of the houses.

He gets to the front step and rings the doorbell. No one answers so he bangs on the door as hard as he can. Still no one answers although he can see that there are lights on in the house. He rings the bell and bangs as hard as he can, again to no avail.

He peeks in the front window and he sees and old lady squeezing her breasts. Amazed, the man looks in again to see an old man rubbing his head and jacking off. He freaks when he sees this and runs back to his car.

He sits for a while and decides he must do something quick or his car will be gone. So he runs over to the other farm house. When he gets to the front door he rings the bell. An old farmer answers the door and asks what can he do.

The young man says, Yeah. My car just broke down. Do you have a phone I could use to call a tow truck?

The farmer looks at him and says, Sorry, but the only phone in these parts is cross the road over at the Joneses house. Theyll let you use it though.

The man replies, No way. I looked in the window over there and they were engaging in some kind of weird sex. She was squeezing her tits and he was jacking off while rubbing his head.

The farmer laughs and says,Oh thats just the way they communicate. You see, the Joneses are deaf. She told him: its time to milk the cows. Then he said to her: fuck that its raining outside.

Van dos borrachos por la calle y dice uno:

¿Apostamos a que la primera palabra que dirá mi mujer, cuando me vea, será amorcito?

¿Cómo puede ser? Mírate, estás borracho, sucio…

No importa. ¿Apostamos un litro de whisky?

Pero yo conozco a tu mujer, es una fiera.

No importa. ¿Apostamos?

Está bien, apostamos.

Llegan a la casa del hombre y tocan la puerta:

¿Quién es?, pregunta la mujer detrás de la puerta.

¡Soy yo, mi amorcito!

¿Amorcito? ¡Que te mueras, perro!

How do you get a blonde on the roof?….tell her drinks are on the house.

A salesman was testifying in his divorce proceedings against his wife. Please describe, said his attorney, the incident that first caused you to entertain suspicions as to your wifes fidelity.

Well, Im pretty much on the road all week, the man testified. So naturally when I am home, Im attentive to the wife. One Sunday morning, he continued, we were in the midst of some pretty heavy love-making when the old lady in the apartment next door pounded on the wall and yelled, Cant you at least stop all that racket on the weekends?