Don Pepe se estaba bañando, cuando, de pronto, Pepito irrumpe. Pudoroso, el hombre se cubre la entrepierna.
¿Qué tienes entre las piernas, papá?
Nada, hijo, le responde tapando sus genitales con ambas manos.
Papá, ¿qué tienes entre las piernas?, insiste el pequeño.
Un ratoncito, contesta con sonrojo el padre, pensando que su hijo es muy pequeño para explicarle ciertas cosas.
¡Te lo quieres coger! ¿Verdad, papá?
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Q. How can you tell if a blonde is a good cook?
A. She gets the pop tarts out of the toaster in one piece.
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Q. What did the blonde say when she saw the sign in front of the YMCA?
A. Look! They spelled MACYs wrong!
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Q. Why did the blonde drive into the ditch?
A. Her blinker was on.
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Q. What do you call a blond skeleton in a clothes closet?
A. The 1960 hide-and-go-seek champion.
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Q. How did the blonde hurt herself while raking the leaves?
A. She fell out of the tree
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Q. How do you get a twinkle in a blondes eye?
A. Shine a flashlight in her ear.
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Q. Why did God give every blonde two more brain cells than a cow?
A. So they dont moo-moo when you pull on their tits.
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Q. How do blonde brain cells die?
A. Alone.
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Saddam Hussein and George W. Bush meet up in Baghdad for the first round of talks in a new peace process. When George sits down, he notices three buttons on the side of Saddams chair. They begin talking. After about five minutes Saddam presses the First button. A boxing glove springs out of a box on the desk and punches Bush in the face.Confused, Bush carries on talking as Saddam laughs. A few minutes later the second button is pressed. This time a big boot comes out and kicks Bush in the shin. Again Saddam laughs, and again Bush carries on talking, not wanting to put off the bigger issue of peace between the two countries. But when the third button is pressed and another boot comes out and kicks Bush in the privates, hes finally had enough, knowing that he cant do much without them functioning well. "Im going back home!" he tells the Iraqi. "Well finish these talks in two weeks!"A fortnight passes and Saddam flies to the United States for talks. As the two men sit down, Hussein notices three buttons on Bushs chair and prepares himself for the Yanks revenge. They begin talking and Bush presses the first button. Saddam ducks, but nothing happens. George snickers. A few seconds later he presses the second button. Saddam jumps up, but again nothing happens. Bush roars with laughter. When the third button is pressed, Saddam jumps up again, and again nothing happens. Bush falls on the floor in a fit of hysterics."Forget this," says Saddam. "Im going back to Baghdad!"Dubya says through tears of laughter, "What Baghdad?"
HOW THE AMERICANS WITH DISABILITIES ACT STOLE CHRISTMAS
by Paul Edwards
Twas a while before Christmas when Santa Claus said,
Now the ADAs passed, Ive a pain in my head.
It used to be easy to hire the elves
Who made all the toys and who stocked all the shelves.
Then the time came when the Congress did say
That I had to be careful about who I pay.
So I went and got Rudolph to pilot my sleigh.
He was racially different, so that was okay.
I used to hire men elves but that had to stop.
I had to let women elves into the shop.
Then Buddhists and Muslims and Croats and Jews
Became part of the mix from which I had to choose.
And just when it seemed I had got used to all
Then the ADA passed and it changed every call.
Before I was forced to hire folks from all nations
But now I am told to make accommodations!
Who understands all that the new law demands?
You must hire consultants! Put yourself in their hands!
And the first thing they do with a gleam in their eyes
Is to measure to see that the workplace complies
With the myriad measurements needed and wanted.
And then as if that didnt leave one quite daunted,
They ask to see each of the jobs that I fill
And express consternation at my lack of skill.
No, no, they opine as they look at each task,
You demand for each job what you simply cant ask!
Then much to my horror, they quietly say:
Rewrite every job or you surely will pay!
Then round my poor workshop they frantically caper
Clutching their tape measures, ogling each paper!
They measure the steps and they measure the door
And they mumble and grumble and total the score.
Every nook and each cranny gets measured with glee!
Then, with obvious joy, they report back to me!
Youre not in compliance, dear Santa, they say;
You must make many changes and starting today
You must change every practice you currently use
Rebuild every workshop and change who you choose.
We dont say that anyone has to be fired!
You can keep all the elves who youve currently hired!
But choosing the next elf you need for the shop
You must change every practice; this nonsense must stop!
You must ask every elf-person here to apply
Only orthodox questions, and, Santa Claus, try
Not to ask about handicaps, thats not allowed!
You must ask the same questions to all in the crowd.
There is some good news; dont go into a funk
You dont have to hire elves who are constantly drunk.
But do not reject yonder bibulous elf
If he says hes reformed, and is curing himself.
Every child in the land would be properly shocked
If Santa Claus found himself called to the dock.
So alter your factory, change every plan
And remove the impediments quick as you can!
The children expect it and so does the law.
And you can afford it! We noticed with awe
All the toys you produce and the money you make!
You will never regret all the trouble you take.
Oh, by the way, Santa, we couldnt help see
All your dolls are unblemished and clearly a. b.
Make blind dolls and deaf dolls and crippled ones too
That reflect population dispersion thats true!
And Santa, we noticed with mortified shock
That your toys may discriminate; jettison stock
You cannot produce a toy, Santa Claus dear
That talks and says things that a deaf kid cant hear.
And all of those toys with a visual display
Leave blind people out, so theyre just not okay!
The cars and the trucks that go fast when you race them
Exclude all the children who simply cant chase them!
And Santa Claus said, as he drove out of sight:
Let the parents give presents, Im off to get tight.
So the fear of the courts and that someone would sue
Managed to do what the grinch couldnt do!
No sleigh bells youll hear on this Christmas Eve night
Merry Christmas to all who continue the fight.
(This is from a little book called Buurmans hemd nader bekeken, by
Harry de Jong (in Dutch). I thought it deserved a bigger audience.
Hans)
How often a week do you sleep with your wife?
asked the inquirer.
Three times, I said without hesitation.
That is once more often than your neighbour,
the inquirer said, writing.
That makes sense, I said, after all, shes my wife.
Hans Buurman, Pattern Recognition Group
Faculty of Applied Physics, Delft University of Technology
This blind Jew got a matza, held it in his hand and said:
– Who wrote this garbage!
A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves, and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:
Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses, they come together. I come again. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come once-a-more.
You foul-mouthed swine, retorted the lady indignantly. In this country we dont talk about our sex lives in public!
Hey, coola down lady, said the man. Imma just tellun my friend howa to spella Mississippi.
Q: Why did God create brunettes? A: Neither could the blondes.
1. Now, doctor, isnt it true that when a person
dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes
quietly away and doesnt know anything about it
until the next morning?
2. Q: What heppened then?
A: He told me, he says, I have to kill you because
you can identify me.
Q: Did he kill you?
3. Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war?
4. The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
5. Were you alone or by yourself?
6. How long have you been a French Canadian?
7. Do you have any children or anything of that kind?
8. Q: I show you exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize
that picture.
A: Thats me.
Q: Were you present when that picture was taken?
9. Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?
10. Q: Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage
terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
11. Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are now?
A: Ill be three months on November 8.
Q: Apparently, then, the date of conception was August 8?
A: Yes.
Q: What were you doing at that time?
12. Q: Mrs. Jones, do you believe you are emotionally stable?
A: I used to be.
Q: How many times have you committed suicide?
13. So you were gone until you returned?
14. Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there girls?
15. You dont know what it was, and you didnt know what
it looked like, but can you describe it?
16. Q: You say that the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?
17. A Texas attorney, realizing he was on the verge of
unleashing a stupid question, interrupted himself
and said, Your Honor, Id like to strike the next
question.
18. Q: Do you recall approximately the time that you
examined the body of Mr. Edington at the rose Chapel?
A: It was in the evening. The autopsy started about 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Edington was dead at the time, is that correct?
A: No, you stupid, he was sitting on the table wondering
why I was doing an autopsy!
19. Have you ever thought of committing unvoluntary manslaughter?
20. Ladies and Gentlemen of the Jury! Please take a long,
hard look at this alleged repeat sex offender….
What is the difference between a man and childbirth?
One can be terribly painful and sometimes almost unbearable while
the other is just having a baby.