Old and New Jokes

Your mama is so nasty, when you said, Mama, what are we going to have for dinner?

She stuck out her foot and said, CORNS.

If it is worth doing, it is worth over-doing.

Q: How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A: <smash the lightbulb>

OK, try again.

Q: How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A: Five. Two to argue over whether the buddha nature already resides
in the empty socket, one to light a candle instead, and two to
shovel out the outhouses.

On a related topic:

Q: How many psychoanalysts does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A: How many do you think it takes?

Tom Neff

God made oceans, God made lakes, God made NSYNC but hey, we all make

mistakes!!!!

From the law offices of Johnnie Cochran, Esq., here are the top 10 proposed closing arguments in the matter of United States vs. William Jefferson Clinton:

10. If the dress aint a mess, he wont need to confess



9. The economys great, let the White Boy skate



8. If the Bitch didnt spit, you must acquit



7. If she is not spread eagle, then it is not illegal



6. Lewinskys a whore, and Bills better than Gore



5. So he lied to the masses, he was just saving some asses



4. He cheats on his wife, but its his personal life



3. Bill cant tell the truth till he sees Ken Starrs proof



2. Bill is not sleazy, Lewinskys just easy



1. If the s** is just oral, it is not really immoral

A: He was going to make a long-distance caw.

BRAIN SURGERY – – WHILE-U-WAIT.

The telephone rings at the synagogue office. Hello, is this Rabbi Schwartz? the caller asks.

It is.

This is the federal tax department. We wonder if you can help us?

Ill try.

Do you know Herman Cohen?

I do.

Is this man a member of you congreation?

He is.

Did he donate $25,000?

He will.

From Late Show with David Letterman on Tuesday, August 9, 1994

10. Its hosted by Ed McMahon.

9. Amplifiers are just enormous dixie cups.

8. Every song contains a plug for Green Giant frozen vegetables.

7. Youre asked to put on a hat and sunglasses and the next thing you know, youre being introduced as Bob Dylan.

6. One word: polkas.

5. Guy sitting next to you brought a glove and has caught three foul balls.

4. Santana turns out to be a jolly bearded guy with a sackful of presents.

3. Theyre playing May we turn the hose on you, please? [All night Dave sprayed the crowd which gathers outside for each nights show with a hose.]

2. You spot Rush Limbaugh stage-diving.

1. The crowd is chanting, Tito! Tito! Tito!

A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop, and her son said, All of you sons of bitches who want to get off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all you sons of bitches who are returning and want to get on, get your asses on the train now, cause were going down the tracks!



The mother went into the living room and told her son, We dont use that kind of language in this house. Now go to you room and stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may go back and play with your train, but only if you use nice language.



Two hours later, the boy came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of you belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon.



She hears the little boy continue. For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under you seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today.



Then, the child added, And for those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR DELAY, see the bitch in the kitchen.