The telephone rings at the synagogue office. Hello, is this Rabbi Schwartz? the caller asks.
It is.
This is the federal tax department. We wonder if you can help us?
Ill try.
Do you know Herman Cohen?
I do.
Is this man a member of you congreation?
He is.
Did he donate $25,000?
He will.
From Late Show with David Letterman on Tuesday, August 9, 1994
10. Its hosted by Ed McMahon.
9. Amplifiers are just enormous dixie cups.
8. Every song contains a plug for Green Giant frozen vegetables.
7. Youre asked to put on a hat and sunglasses and the next thing you know, youre being introduced as Bob Dylan.
6. One word: polkas.
5. Guy sitting next to you brought a glove and has caught three foul balls.
4. Santana turns out to be a jolly bearded guy with a sackful of presents.
3. Theyre playing May we turn the hose on you, please? [All night Dave sprayed the crowd which gathers outside for each nights show with a hose.]
2. You spot Rush Limbaugh stage-diving.
1. The crowd is chanting, Tito! Tito! Tito!
A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop, and her son said, All of you sons of bitches who want to get off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all you sons of bitches who are returning and want to get on, get your asses on the train now, cause were going down the tracks!
The mother went into the living room and told her son, We dont use that kind of language in this house. Now go to you room and stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may go back and play with your train, but only if you use nice language.
Two hours later, the boy came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of you belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon.
She hears the little boy continue. For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under you seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today.
Then, the child added, And for those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR DELAY, see the bitch in the kitchen.
K. M. Reese, Newscripts, Chemical & Engineering News
(26 Jun 89), p. 64:
An economist, incidentally, is a chap who,
when asked for his social security number, gives an estimate.
One of Microsofts finest technicans was drafted and sent to boot camp. At the rifle range, he was given some instruction, a rifle, and bullets. He fired several shots at the target. The report came from the target area that all attempts had completely missed the target.
The technician looked at his rifle, and then at the target. He looked at the rifle again, and then at the target again. He put his finger over the end of the rifle barrel and squeezed the trigger with his other hand. The end of his finger was blown off, whereupon he yelled toward the target area, Its leaving here just fine, the trouble must be at your end!
What does a blonde and a screen door have in common?
The more you bang em the looser they get.
At an international meeting, two surgeons were having an argument. The Indian surgeon was saying, No no no, I am telling you it is Woomba
The African surgeon is saying, No Man, it is Whoooooommmmmm
They go on like this for about 10 minutes. Up comes the English surgeon, and interrupts them. Excuse me chaps, but I do believe that the word you are trying to say is Womb.
After he has gone away, the African turns to the Indian and says, I bet you he has never even seen a hippopotamus, never mind heard one fart under water!
a sass-quatch
A ventriloquist had just finished his polack joke routine when a huge, drunk polack confronted him, Im sick of your polack jokes and Im going to knock the shit out of you. Im sorry, it was all in good fun, replied the comedian. The polack retorted, I was talking to little asshole on your knee."
A teacher asked her students to use the word fascinate in a sentence.
Mary said, My family went to the New York City Zoo, and we saw all the animals. It was fascinating.
The teacher said, That was good, Mary, but I wanted you to use the word fascinate.
Sally raised her hand and said, My family went to the Philadelphia Zoo and saw the animals. I was fascinated.
The teacher said, Good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word fascinate.
Little Johnny raised his hand.
The teacher hesitated because Johnny was notorious for his bad language. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word fascinate, so she called on him.
Johnny said loudly, My sister has a sweater with 10 buttons.
The teacher said, That was good, Johnny. However, you did not use the word fascinate in your sentence.
Little Johnny continued, But her boobs are so big, she can only fasten eight!