Old and New Jokes

With the advent of the new year, many employees are faced with the dreaded Annual Evaluation. Perhaps these lists will assist ya in in determining what your boss is really trying to say:

AVERAGE
Not too bright

SLIGHTLY BELOW AVERAGE
Dumb as a rock

EXCEPTIONALLY WELL QUALIFIED
Has committed no major blunders lately

ZEALOUS ATTITUDE
Highly Opinionated

STRONG ADHERENCE TO PRINCIPLES
Stubborn as Hell

TAKES GREAT PRIDE IN WORK
Conceited

REQUIRES WORK-VALUE COUNSELING AT TIMES
Lazy and hard-headed

CHARACTER ABOVE REPROACH
Hasnt been arrested or caught stealing lately

HAPPY AND CONTENT w/POSITION
Paid way too much

UNLIMITED POTENTIAL
Were stuck with them until retirement

IS UNUSUALLY LOYAL
Wanted by no other unit/dept

SHOULD GO FAR
Termination papers have been filed

QUICK THINKING
Offers plausible excuses for errors

VERY CREATIVE
Finds reasons to do anything except work

HARD WORKER
Does everything the hard way

OF GREAT VALUE TO THE ORGANIZATION
Generally turns in work on time

WELL ORGANIZED
Does too much busywork

USES TIME EFFECTIVELY
Clock watcher

APPROACHES DIFFICULT PROBLEMS WITH LOGIC
Usually finds someone else to do the job

USES RESOURCES WELL
Attempts to delegate everything

A KEEN ANALYST
Spends hours rereading memos

NOT A DESK PERSON
Cant ever be located

EXCELLENT COMPUTER SKILLS
Always on the Internet

ALERT TO COMPANY DEVELOPMENTS
An office gossip

EXPRESSES SELF WELL
Can string two-three sentences together

SPENDS EXTRA HOURS ON THE JOB
Miserable home life

CONSCIENTIOUS AND CAREFUL
Scared for their job

METICULOUS IN ATTENTION TO DETAIL
A nitpicker

DEMONSTRATES QUALITIES OF LEADERSHIP
Has a loud voice

JUDGEMENT IS USUALLY SOUND
Lucky

MAINTAINS PROFESSIONAL ATTITUDE
A snob

KEEN SENSE OF HUMOR
Knows lots of dirty jokes

ACTIVE SOCIALLY
Drinks heavily

CANNOT FAULT DEMEANOR
Passed last drug test

ENJOYS JOB
Needs more to do

GETS ALONG EXTREMELY WELL WITH SUPERIORS
A buck-passer

CONSULTS WITH SUPERVISOR OFTEN
Pain in the ass

TAKES ADVANTAGE OF EVERY OPPORTUNITY TO PROGRESS
General butt kisser

INDIFFERENT TO INSTRUCTION
Knows more than supervisors

TACTFUL IN DEALING WITH SUPERIORS
Knows when to keep mouth shut

What guys say… …What they mean…

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It is just orange juice, try it. 3 more shots, and shell have her

legs around my head.



Shes kind of cute I want to bang her till I am blue



I dont know if I like her She wont blow me



I need you My hand is tired



I had her I had (wet dreams about) her all

week



I really want to get to know you …so I can tell my friends about

better it



How do I compare with all your Is my penis really that small?

other boyfriends?



Youre the only girl Ive ever You are the only girl who has not

cared about rejected me



I want you back …for tonight anyway



Weve been through so much together If it was not for you, I never

would have lost my virginity



I miss you so much I am so horny that my roommate is

starting to look good



No, I do not want to dance right now Shoot! Shell know that I have a

hard-on



The break-up should not start I want to have sex a few more times

for another 24 hours



I am different from all the other I am not circumsized

guys

A woman is shopping for a pet as a gift for her husband but she is
concerned that the prices this pet shop are charging seem very high. She
goes to the clerk and explains her concern.

Well, I have a frog in the back that I can let you have for $50, the
clerk says.

$50? the woman replies. That seems terribly expensive for a frog.

Well, this frog is worth it. Its been trained to give blow jobs.

The woman is stunned, but as her husband loves this sort of sex, and she is
not particularly fond of it, she decides the frog might be a good
investment. She buys the frog, brings it home, presents it to her husband,
and explains its special value.

The husband is skeptical, but promises hell give the frog a try that
night. The woman goes to sleep, happily knowing she wont be bothered by
her husband that night. She is suddenly awakened by a clatter coming from
the kitchen. She goes downstairs and finds the frog and her husband pulling
out pots and pans, and pouring over cookbooks.

What are you two doing down here? she asks.

Her husband responds, If I can teach this frog to cook, your sorry ass is
out of here!

The NASA is launching a rocket to the moon. On board there are two pigs and Kiki, a stunning blond.

When the rocket is outside the stratosphere, the first stage drops off. Contact is made: Houston here, Pig 1, Pig 1, do you read us, over.

Oink, oink, here Pig1, read you loud and clear

Pig 1, do you still know your instructions?

Yes, when we get to the moon, I press the red button to initiate the moon landing, over.

Thats right. Over and out.

They go on until the rocket separates its booster stage. Hallo, Pig2, Here Houston, come in please.

Oink, oink, here Pig 2, read you loud and clear.

OK, Pig 2 do you remember your instructions?

Yes, when weve landed on the moon and are ready to leave, I press on the green button to initiate the launch program.

Thats right. Over and out.

An hour later when the rocket has achieved the correct speed the last stage drops off as planned. Ground control contacts the astronauts again.

Houston here, Kiki, come in, Kiki do you read us?

Kiki here, reading you loud and clear

Kiki, do you remeber your instructions?

Yes, Kiki says, I feed the two pigs and keep my hands off any buttons.

CLEVELAND, OH (DPI) – Police were called to 234 Southbend Crescent her early yesterday to break up a savage hate-motivated, single-person beating. In custody is self-mutilator Mark Richmond, a member of the neo-Nazi Southbend skinhead gang, who apparently learned late Monday that he was in fact adopted from a Jewish family.

We told him his real name is Moishe Lowenstein, says father David Richmond. He took it pretty hard. He stayed up all night drinking and around 6 this morning we heard him yelling at himself. But we never thought it would lead to this.

Apparently Mr. Richmond-Lowenstein began cursing himself and accused himself of being part of a worldwide Jew conspiracy.

His abuse then escalated into punching and face scratching until he finally threw himself through a first story kitchen window.

Glass was everywhere. Were really shaken by this, says his adoptive mother Helen. And being a Jew, I doubt hell pay for it. You know how those people are.

Mr. Richmond-Lowenstein is currently being held in protective custody after vowing there would be trouble if I ever see myself around here again.

– Robert Payne

(c) The Daily Probe

There was 2 college students one was named Jack and the other was Jill.One day at a dinner Jack said Jill, can I put my finger in your belly button? Jill repliedSure So 5 minutes later jill screamed Jack thats not my belly button! and jack replied and this is not my finger!

…so he went bear hunting. He spotted a small black bear and shot it. There was then a tap on his shoulder and he turned round to see a larger black bear.
The black bear said Youve got two choices, I either maul you to death or we have sex. Jon decided to bend over. Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Jon soon recovered and vowed revenge. He headed out on another trip, found the black bear, and shot it. Immediately, there was another tap on his shoulder. This time a big brown bear stood right next to him. The brown bear said, That was a huge mistake, Jon. Youve got two choices. Either I maul you to death or well have rough sex. Again, Jon thought it was better to comply. Although he survived, it was several months before Jon finally recovered. Outraged, he headed back to the woods, managed to track down the brown bear and shot it. He felt sweet revenge, but then there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned round to find a gigantic grizzly bear standing there. The grizzly bear said Admit it, Jon, you dont come here for the hunting, do you?

Q: How do you make a french horn sound like a trombone?
A: Take your hand out of the bell and lose all sense of taste.

A pregnant Brooklyn woman gets in a car accident and
falls into a deep coma. Asleep for nearly six months,
when she wakes up she sees that she is no longer
pregnant and frantically asks the doctor about her
baby. The doctor replies, Maam, you had twins! A boy
and a girl. The babies are fine. Your brother from
Alabama came in and named them. The woman thinks
to herself, Oh no, not my brother … hes an idiot!

Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, Well, whats
the girls name?
Denise, the doctor says.
The new mother thinks, Wow, thats not a bad name,
guess I was wrong about my brother. I like Denise!
Then she asks the doctor, Whats the boys name?
The doctor replies, Denephew.

Juanito llega llorando desconsoladamente a la casa. Su mamá le pregunta que por qué llora y el le dice: Es que Pepito me dijo cara de testículo.

Su madre, indignada, va de regreso con Juanito a la escuela y al entrar a la oficina del director le dice: Mire usted, señor Director, ¿qué clase de escuela es ésta? Imagínese usted que Pepito ha llamado a mi hijo cara de testículo.

¡Señora, usted perdone, pero eso no puede ser! Estos niños de primer grado ni siquiera saben lo que es el testículo.

En eso pasa por ahí Pepito y lo pesca el Director. Oye muchacho vente para acá. Pepito, ¿verdad que tú no sabes lo que es el testículo?

Claro que sí sé, señor Director. Mire usted: el testículo forma parte del aparato reproductor masculino. Se encuentra en un número de dos. Es el responsable de producir y almacenar los espermatozóides. Por encima del testículo se encuentra el túbulo seminífero distal, que se comunica con el proximal apenas entrar al conducto prostático, para después alcanzar la uretra. El testículo se encuentra en una bolsa colgante, colorada, arrugada, llena de pelos… ¡igualita a la cara del hijueputa de Juanito!