Old and New Jokes

The events of Sept. 11th have prompted a security overhaul for the 2002 Winter Olympics in Salt Lake City.

Among the measures:

Testing athletes urine for traces of terrorism

Eliminating Mens 200m Embassy Bomb event

Turning Salt Lake City into hyper-paranoid, walled-off religious compound

Assigning athletes from Arab nations around-the-clock security buddy

All open flames to be immediately extinguished

Investigating any and all reports of fine white powder

Strictly prohibiting foreigners from Olympic village

Warning athletes not to make any sudden movements

Hoping that terrorists, like everyone else, have no desire to visit Salt Lake City

© Copyright 2001 Onion, Inc.

Monica Lewinsky was walking on the beach when she found a lantern washed up on the shore. She started to rub it and out popped a genie.Oh goodie, now I will get three wishes! she exclaimed.


No, said the genie, You have been very bad this year, and because of this, I can only give you one wish.


Lets see, says Monica, I dont need fame, because I have plenty of that due to all of the media coverage. And I dont need money, because after I write my book, and do all my interviews, Ill have all the money I could ever want. I would like to get rid of these love handles, though. Yes, thats it, for my one wish I would like my love handles removed.


Poof!And just like that… her ears were gone.

One bright day

In the middle of the night

Two dead mean

Got up to fight

Back to back

They faced each other

Drawed their swords

And shot each other

If you dont believe

This lie is true

Ask the blind man

He saw it too.

There are consistent trends in the past evolution of languages, and in
all likelihood they will continue to change in the same fashion in the
future.
In 200 years, spoken French will have only one sound, a vowel. All
consonants and gaps between words and sentences will disappear, leaving
only an extended Eauuuuuuuuuuuu… Meaning will be inferred from
facial expression. Written French will stay exactly the same.
These consonants will not be entirely forgotten; they will migrate
to Czechoslovakia, which will by that time have no use for vowels.
In 200 years, the English vocabulary will be the union of all other
vocabularies, but the spelling will be original.
Similarly, the Japanese alphabet will be the union of all other
alphabets in the world.
The Cyrillic alphabet will eventually be the same as the Latin
alphabet, only backwards. A mirror will suffice for translating
Russian into Polish.
Finally, in 200 years, entire books in Germany will be one word. Plus
a verb at the end, of course.

A Jewish boy was sent to a Catholic school by his folks. Of course, he had no idea of who Jesus, Joseph, or Mary were, and on the first day of school, he got punished by the teacher for not knowing such basic things.

Hearing upon his story, his mother soothed him, and said, Dont worry, son. Ill sew the answers to those questions on your collar, and every time your teacher asks you a question, all you have to do is to peek at your collar.

And so she sewed the answers on her sons collar.

The following day, the teacher came up to him, and asked him, Who is the Holy Virgin?

The boy peeked at his collar and replied, Mary.

The teacher seemed a little bit surprised, but continued on. And who is her husband? After another peek at the collar, he replied, Joseph.

Why, very good son, the teacher commented.

And for the last one, said the teacher. Who is their son?

The boy peeked again at his collar and replied confidently, Arrow!

Q: How many Cancerians does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Just one. But it takes a therapist three years to help them through the grief process.

Q: What is the difference between a hormone and an enzyme?

A: You cant hear an enzyme.

A school teacher injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. It fit under his shirt and was not noticeable at all. On the first day of the term, still with the cast under his shirt, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in school.

Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window as wide as possible and then busied himself with desk work.



When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he took the desk stapler and stapled the tie to his chest.



He had no trouble with discipline that term.

Courage is your greatest present need.

What did the termite say when he walked into the bar? Where is the bar tender?