Old and New Jokes

My father, an Army major, was conducting a field test when
communications went dead. Immediately, he jumped into a
jeep and ordered a sergeant to speed to the command
station.

When my father and the sergeant ran in, the group cheered
their arrival. The commanding officer then stepped forward
and shook my fathers hand.

Dont congratulate me, sir, my father said modestly as he
pointed to his driver. It was all the sergeants doing.

The commanding officer nodded and turned to the sergeant.
Congratulations, he said. The majors wife just had a baby
girl.

(Must be read with and Italian accent) One day ima gonna Malta to bigga hotel. Ina morning I go down to eat breakfast. I tella waitress I wanna two pissis toast. She brings me only one piss. I tella her I want two piss. She say go to the toilet. I say you no understand, I wanna piss onna my plate. She say you better no piss onna plate, you sonna ma bitch. I dont even know the lady and she call me sonna ma bitch. Later I go to eat at the bigga restaurant. The waitress brings me a spoon and knife but no fock. I tella her I wanna fock. She tell me everyone wanna fock. I tell her you no understand. I wanna fock on the table. She say you better not fock on the table, you sonna ma bitch. So I go back to my room inna hotel and there is no shits onna my bed. Call the manager and tella him I wanna shit. He tell me to go to toilet. I say you no understand. I wanna shit on my bed. He say you better not shit onna bed, you sonna ma bitch. I go to the checkout and the man at the desk say: Peace on you. I say piss on you too, you sonna ma bitch, I gonna back to Italy.

A young preacher was contacted by the local funeral director to hold a grave side committal service at a small local cemetery for someone with no family or friends.

The preacher started early but quickly got himself lost, making several wrong turns. He arrived a half-hour late, the hearse was nowhere in site, and the workmen were eating lunch.

The pastor went to the open grave and found the vault lid already in place. Taking out his book, he read the service.

As he was returning to his car, he overheard one of the workmen say:

Maybe wed better tell him its a septic tank.

What do you call four bullfighters in quicksand?

Quattro sinko.

With the advent of the new year, many employees are faced with the dreaded Annual Evaluation. Perhaps these lists will assist ya in in determining what your boss is really trying to say:

AVERAGE
Not too bright

SLIGHTLY BELOW AVERAGE
Dumb as a rock

EXCEPTIONALLY WELL QUALIFIED
Has committed no major blunders lately

ZEALOUS ATTITUDE
Highly Opinionated

STRONG ADHERENCE TO PRINCIPLES
Stubborn as Hell

TAKES GREAT PRIDE IN WORK
Conceited

REQUIRES WORK-VALUE COUNSELING AT TIMES
Lazy and hard-headed

CHARACTER ABOVE REPROACH
Hasnt been arrested or caught stealing lately

HAPPY AND CONTENT w/POSITION
Paid way too much

UNLIMITED POTENTIAL
Were stuck with them until retirement

IS UNUSUALLY LOYAL
Wanted by no other unit/dept

SHOULD GO FAR
Termination papers have been filed

QUICK THINKING
Offers plausible excuses for errors

VERY CREATIVE
Finds reasons to do anything except work

HARD WORKER
Does everything the hard way

OF GREAT VALUE TO THE ORGANIZATION
Generally turns in work on time

WELL ORGANIZED
Does too much busywork

USES TIME EFFECTIVELY
Clock watcher

APPROACHES DIFFICULT PROBLEMS WITH LOGIC
Usually finds someone else to do the job

USES RESOURCES WELL
Attempts to delegate everything

A KEEN ANALYST
Spends hours rereading memos

NOT A DESK PERSON
Cant ever be located

EXCELLENT COMPUTER SKILLS
Always on the Internet

ALERT TO COMPANY DEVELOPMENTS
An office gossip

EXPRESSES SELF WELL
Can string two-three sentences together

SPENDS EXTRA HOURS ON THE JOB
Miserable home life

CONSCIENTIOUS AND CAREFUL
Scared for their job

METICULOUS IN ATTENTION TO DETAIL
A nitpicker

DEMONSTRATES QUALITIES OF LEADERSHIP
Has a loud voice

JUDGEMENT IS USUALLY SOUND
Lucky

MAINTAINS PROFESSIONAL ATTITUDE
A snob

KEEN SENSE OF HUMOR
Knows lots of dirty jokes

ACTIVE SOCIALLY
Drinks heavily

CANNOT FAULT DEMEANOR
Passed last drug test

ENJOYS JOB
Needs more to do

GETS ALONG EXTREMELY WELL WITH SUPERIORS
A buck-passer

CONSULTS WITH SUPERVISOR OFTEN
Pain in the ass

TAKES ADVANTAGE OF EVERY OPPORTUNITY TO PROGRESS
General butt kisser

INDIFFERENT TO INSTRUCTION
Knows more than supervisors

TACTFUL IN DEALING WITH SUPERIORS
Knows when to keep mouth shut

What guys say… …What they mean…

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It is just orange juice, try it. 3 more shots, and shell have her

legs around my head.



Shes kind of cute I want to bang her till I am blue



I dont know if I like her She wont blow me



I need you My hand is tired



I had her I had (wet dreams about) her all

week



I really want to get to know you …so I can tell my friends about

better it



How do I compare with all your Is my penis really that small?

other boyfriends?



Youre the only girl Ive ever You are the only girl who has not

cared about rejected me



I want you back …for tonight anyway



Weve been through so much together If it was not for you, I never

would have lost my virginity



I miss you so much I am so horny that my roommate is

starting to look good



No, I do not want to dance right now Shoot! Shell know that I have a

hard-on



The break-up should not start I want to have sex a few more times

for another 24 hours



I am different from all the other I am not circumsized

guys

A woman is shopping for a pet as a gift for her husband but she is
concerned that the prices this pet shop are charging seem very high. She
goes to the clerk and explains her concern.

Well, I have a frog in the back that I can let you have for $50, the
clerk says.

$50? the woman replies. That seems terribly expensive for a frog.

Well, this frog is worth it. Its been trained to give blow jobs.

The woman is stunned, but as her husband loves this sort of sex, and she is
not particularly fond of it, she decides the frog might be a good
investment. She buys the frog, brings it home, presents it to her husband,
and explains its special value.

The husband is skeptical, but promises hell give the frog a try that
night. The woman goes to sleep, happily knowing she wont be bothered by
her husband that night. She is suddenly awakened by a clatter coming from
the kitchen. She goes downstairs and finds the frog and her husband pulling
out pots and pans, and pouring over cookbooks.

What are you two doing down here? she asks.

Her husband responds, If I can teach this frog to cook, your sorry ass is
out of here!

The NASA is launching a rocket to the moon. On board there are two pigs and Kiki, a stunning blond.

When the rocket is outside the stratosphere, the first stage drops off. Contact is made: Houston here, Pig 1, Pig 1, do you read us, over.

Oink, oink, here Pig1, read you loud and clear

Pig 1, do you still know your instructions?

Yes, when we get to the moon, I press the red button to initiate the moon landing, over.

Thats right. Over and out.

They go on until the rocket separates its booster stage. Hallo, Pig2, Here Houston, come in please.

Oink, oink, here Pig 2, read you loud and clear.

OK, Pig 2 do you remember your instructions?

Yes, when weve landed on the moon and are ready to leave, I press on the green button to initiate the launch program.

Thats right. Over and out.

An hour later when the rocket has achieved the correct speed the last stage drops off as planned. Ground control contacts the astronauts again.

Houston here, Kiki, come in, Kiki do you read us?

Kiki here, reading you loud and clear

Kiki, do you remeber your instructions?

Yes, Kiki says, I feed the two pigs and keep my hands off any buttons.

CLEVELAND, OH (DPI) – Police were called to 234 Southbend Crescent her early yesterday to break up a savage hate-motivated, single-person beating. In custody is self-mutilator Mark Richmond, a member of the neo-Nazi Southbend skinhead gang, who apparently learned late Monday that he was in fact adopted from a Jewish family.

We told him his real name is Moishe Lowenstein, says father David Richmond. He took it pretty hard. He stayed up all night drinking and around 6 this morning we heard him yelling at himself. But we never thought it would lead to this.

Apparently Mr. Richmond-Lowenstein began cursing himself and accused himself of being part of a worldwide Jew conspiracy.

His abuse then escalated into punching and face scratching until he finally threw himself through a first story kitchen window.

Glass was everywhere. Were really shaken by this, says his adoptive mother Helen. And being a Jew, I doubt hell pay for it. You know how those people are.

Mr. Richmond-Lowenstein is currently being held in protective custody after vowing there would be trouble if I ever see myself around here again.

– Robert Payne

(c) The Daily Probe

There was 2 college students one was named Jack and the other was Jill.One day at a dinner Jack said Jill, can I put my finger in your belly button? Jill repliedSure So 5 minutes later jill screamed Jack thats not my belly button! and jack replied and this is not my finger!