Old and New Jokes

How do you get a Jewish girl to stop screwing you?

Marry her.

This is a story about four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, and Nobody.

There was an important job to be done, and Everybody was asked to do it. Everybody was sure Somebody would do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it. Somebody got angry about that, because it was Everybodys job. Everybody thought Anybody could do it, but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldnt do it. It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have done.

Once upon a time there lived a king. The king had a beautiful daughter, the princess. But there was a problem. Everything the princess touched would melt.

No matter what; metal, wood,plastic – anything she touched would melt! Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her.

The king despaired. What could he do to help his daughter? He consulted his wizards and magicians. One wizard told the king, If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands, she will be cured.

The king was overjoyed. The next day, he held a competition. Any man that could bring his daughter an object that would not melt would marry her and inherit the kings wealth. Three young princes took up the challenge.

The first prince brought a very hard alloy of titanium. But alas, once the princess touched it, it melted. The prince went away sadly.

The second prince brought a huge diamond, thinking that diamond is the hardest substance in the world and will not melt. But alas, once the princess touched it, it melted. He too went away disappointed.

The third prince approached. He told the princess, Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there. The princess did as she was asked, though she turned red. She felt something hard. She held it in her hand. And it did not melt!!!

The king was overjoyed. Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed. And the third prince married the princess and they both lived happily ever after.

Question: What was the object in the princes pants?

(Scroll down for the answer.) x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x

They were M&Ms!!! – (get your mind out of the gutter !!) Everyone knows they melt in your mouth, not in your hand!

Jesus and Satan have an extended argument as to who is the better computer programmer. Finally, they agree to hold a contest with God as the judge. They set themselves before their computers and begin programming. Typing furiously for several hours, they enter lines of code streaming across the screen.

Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning strikes, taking out the electricity. Moments later, the power is restored, and God announces that the contest has ended.

God asks Satan to show what he has done. Satan is visibly upset and cries, I have done nothing! The power outage destroyed all of my work! Very well, then, says God, let us see how Jesus fared. Jesus enters a command, and the screen comes to life in vivid displays of 3-D color. The voices of an angelic choir pour forth from the speakers. Satan is stunned and stutters, But how?! How did he do that?!

God chuckles, Jesus Saves!

The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

What is 40 feet long and smells like urine?

Line dancing at the nursing home.

Q: How many AOL users does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Eleven. One to ask to be on the lightbulb gif mailing list, nine to say ME TOO!, and another to post a message asking for the intructions on how to view a lightbulb.

Lunatic Asylum: The place where optimism most flourishes.

How did the blonde die drinking milk?
The cow stepped on her.

What do you call 20 blondes in a freezer?
Frosted Flakes!

What is it when a blonde blows into anotherblondes ear?
Data transfer.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
I wonder if its mine?

How do you confuse a blonde?
Give her a package of M&Ms and tell her to put them in alphabetical order.

Why did the blonde resolve to have only three children?
Because she read that one child out of every four born, was Chinese.

Why did the blonde lose her job as an elevator operator?
She couldnt learn the route.

Why did the blonde drive around the block fifty-seven times?
Her turn signal was stuck.

Why did the blonde ask her friends to save their burned-out light bulbs?
She needed them for the darkroom she was building.

Why are the Japanese so smart?
No blondes.

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?

A: To show the squirrel it CAN be done!