Old and New Jokes

Yo mama so dumb that when people said it was chilly outside, she went and got a bowl.

Build something foolproof and every fool will use it.

Happiness is a belt-fed weapon

Son: Dad, did you go to Church when you were little?

Dad: Yes son, every single Sunday.

Son: I thought so. Bet it wont do me any good either.

Last
year I replaced all the windows in my house with
those expensive double-pane energy efficient kind,
but this week I got a call from the contractor, complaining
his work had been completed a year ago and I had
yet to pay for them. Boy oh boy, did we go around
and around Just because Im a blonde does not mean
Im automatically stupid. So, I proceeded to tell
him just what his fast-talking sales guy had told
me last year – namely, that in one year, the windows
would pay for themselves…. There was silence on
the other end of the line, so I just hung up. I have
not heard anything back.

(From The Daily Californian (UC Berkeley student paper), 2/27/89, page 1,
Holocaust exaggerated, British historian claims)

British historian David Irving said Thursday night that Adolph Hitler
was unaware of the mass killing of Jews at the Auschwitz concentration
camp during World War II.

…

Irving said that professors float historical claims like a Goodyear blimp
and are waiting for someone to come along and prick it.

I AM THAT PRICK, he said.

Oh, what poetic justice….

Lost: Small apricot poodle – Reward. Neutered, just like one of the family.
Dog For Sale: Great Dames.
Dog For Sale: Eats anything; especially fond of children.

Hung Chow call his boss and says: “Hey, boss I not come work today, I really sick. I got headache, stomach ache, legs hurt, I not come work.”The boss says: “Hung Chow I really need you today. When I feel sick like this I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes me feel better and I can go to work. You should try that.”Two hours later Hung Chow calls again: “Boss, I do what you say and I feel great, I be at work soon. You got nice house.”

A blonde, a brunnette and a redhead all tried out for the same job as road stripers. The boss told them they would all work for three days and whoever painted the most would get the job. At the end of the first day, the redhead had painted 3 miles, the brunette had painted 2.5 miles and the blonde had painted 10 miles.



The boss was so excited he told her to keep it up and the job was hers. The next day, the redhead painted 5 miles and the brunette 5.6 miles and the blond 4 miles. He told her not to worry, she still had a good lead. So, on the third day the redhead had painted 6 miles, the brunette 5 miles and the blonde only one mile.



The boss was so disappointed, he asked the blonde, What went wrong, you were doing so well. She said, Well, that bucket of paint keeps getting further and further away.

Two guys, of limited intelligence, were on a ship that sank in the middle of the Ocean. They managed to inflate a rubber life raft and grab a box of provisions before their ship slipped under the surface.

After floating under blazing heat, for 6 days, they ran out of food and water. On the 10th day, bleary eyed and half dead from heat, thirst and starvation, they spotted a small object, floating toward them in the water.

As it drew near, they were ecstatic to find that it was an old oil lamp (the kind that genies come in). They grabbed the lamp and rubbed it. Out popped a tired old genie who said, O.K., so you freed me from the stupid lamp, but hey, Ive been doing this 3-wishes stuff for a while now and quite frankly, Im burned out. You guys only get 1 wish and then Im outta here, so make it a good one.

The first guy, blurted out, without thinking, Give us all the beer we can drink for the rest of our lives!

Fine, said the genie, and he instantly turned the entire Ocean to beer, and disappeared.

Great move, Einstein, said the second guy, slapping the first guy in the side of the head. Now were gonna have to pee in the boat!