Old and New Jokes

A certain zoo had acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very ornery, and difficult to handle. Upon examination, the zoo veterinarian determined the problem: she was in heat. What to do? There was no male of this species available.

While reflecting on their problem, the zoo administrators noticed Mike, an employee responsible for cleaning the animals cages. Now Mike, it was rumored, possessed ample ability to satisfy any female, and he wasnt very bright. So the zoo administrators thought they might have a solution. Perhaps they could entice Mike to satisfy the female gorilla.

So he was approached with a proposition: would he be willing to have sex with the gorilla for $500. He responded that he was interested but would have to think the matter over.

The following day, Mike announced that he would accept their offer, but only under three conditions: First, he said, I dont want to have to kiss her, and Second, I want nothing to do with any offspring that may result from this union.

The zoo administration quickly acceded to these conditions, but what could be the third?

Well, said Mike, Youve gotta give me another week to come up with the five hundred bucks.

Q: What is a conservative?
A: A liberal whos been mugged.

Esto es un tío con joroba que va paseando por el campo cuando suena un estampido, y aparece ante él Lucifer, quien le pregunta:

¡Tú! ¿Qué llevas en la espalda?

Yo-yo… U-una joroba.

¡PUES YA NO LA TIENES!

Y con un movimiento de manos, la joroba desaparece, dejando al tío sano como una pera. Total, que el ex-jorobado se queda muy contento, y piensa en ir a hablar con un amigo suyo que es cojo, a ver si a él le pasa lo mismo.

Oye macho, como te digo, que ha hecho flis-flas, y me ha quitado la joroba!

Bueno, pues voy a ir yo, a ver si me quita la cojera, que me tiene jodío.

En esto que va el cojo por el mismo lugar, junto al cementerio, cuando de nuevo se oye el estampido, aparece Lucifer, y le dice:

¡TÚ! ¿QUE LLEVAS EN LA ESPALDA?

¿Yo… en la espalda?… Nada…

¡PUES TOMA UNA JOROBA!

Un anciano, recién casado con una muchacha de veinte años le explica su problema al doctor:

Mire doctor, todas las noches, cuando vamos a la cama, yo estoy tan cansado que me duermo temprano.

¡No se preocupe! yo le prescribo estas pastillas…

Doctor… usted cree que con estas pastillas podré…

¡Nooo! pero con ellas, su esposa también se dormirá temprano como usted.

What did Abe Lincoln say after a five day drunk?

I freed who?

The odds are a million to one

against my being one in a million.

-Ashleigh Brilliant

A sour grape!

Single women claim that all the good men are married, while all married women complain about their lousy husbands.

This confirms that there is no such thing as a good man.

1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cats mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow. 2) Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process. 3) Retrieve cat from bedroom and throw soggy pill away. 4) Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten. 5) Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden. 6) Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees. Hold front and rear paws firmly. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cats throat vigorously. 7) Retrieve cat from curtain rail. Get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered Doulton figures from hearth and set to one side for gluing later. 8) Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to stretch out flat on top of cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw. Force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw. 9) Check label to make sure pill is not harmful to humans. Drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouses forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap. 10) Retrieve cat from neighbors shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band. 11) Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of your last tetanus

Un misionero, de servicio por el África, iba ensimismado en sus rezos y oraciones, cuando, súbitamente, se le aparece un león tan grande como un toro abriendo su enorme hocico lleno de colmillos que parecía una cueva; el evangelizador, viéndose perdido, junta las manos y reza al Altísimo:

¡Sr. Dios y su hijo Jesucristo, haced que este león se haga cristiano!

Súbitamente, el león se detiene y, haciendo un esfuerzo sobrenatural, logra doblar las patas traseras para ponerse de rodillas en el suelo; entonces, levantando su enorme cuerpo hacia arriba, junta las dos patas delanteras y con una voz todo gruñidos pide:

Señor, bendice estos alimentos que vamos a comer…