A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their wedding anniversary.
The husband decides to give his wife a gift, a tombstone, with the inscription: Here lies my wife…..cold as ever
Later the furious wife bought a return present, a tombstone with the inscription: Here lies my husband…..stiff at last
Q. How many bouncers does it take to throw someone down the stairs?
A. None! He fell.
Late one Friday in Dublin, a policeman spotted a man driving very erratically. He pulled the man over and asked him if he had been drinking that evening.
Aye, so I have. Tis Friday, you know, so me and the lads stopped by the pub where I had six or seven pints. And then there was something called Happy Hour and they served these mar-gar-itos which are quite good. I had four or five o those. Then I had to drive me friend Mike home and o course I had to go in for a couple of Guinness — couldnt be rude, ye know. Then I stopped on the way home to get another bottle for later… And the man fumbled around in his coat until he located his bottle of whiskey, which he held up for inspection. The officer sighed, and said, Sir, Im afraid Ill need you to step out of the car and take a breathalyzer test.
Why? Dont ye believe me?
1.)Lets watch Lifetime!
2.)Sex is overrated.
3.)I dont want to go too far on the 4.)first date.
5.)Yes, I did notice your sisters breasts are bigger than yours.
6.)There is nothing I like better than crawling into bed with a good book.
7.)Im glad I dont have a large penis.
8.)My hips are too big.
Aw, cant we watch Oprah?
9.)Does this suit make me look fat?
10.)Ill never get tired listening to Celine Dion.
I heard this one from a friend (?) of mine, Ryan Sexsmith.
A man is driving along in the Irish countryside, when he comes
upon a gas station. Now, since hes in need of gasolene, the
man decides to stop. He says to the attendant at the station,
Fill it up, will you? The man says, Sorry – were fresh out
of gasolene. So the man considers, and says, Well, Im still a
bit low on oil, would you mind topping that off? And the
attendant responds Sorry, but no oil either. The man thinks,
and asks the attendant to wash his window, to which he gets the
by-now predictable response that he cant do that. The man at this
point is fairly mad, so he asks the attendant Just what kind of
gas station is this? The attendant then looks both ways, and very
carefully whispers to the man To tell you the truth, its an IRA
front.
The man then says, Well, in that case, you can blow up the tyres!
Q: What do you get when you cross a French Horn player and a goalpost?
A: A goalpost that cant march.
¿Cuáles son los tres animales que le gustarÃa tener a una mujer en su vida?
Un visón en el armario, un tigre en la cama y un jaguar en la puerta.
¿Y cuáles son los que tiene?
Un zorro en el armario, un cerdo en la cama y un panda en la puerta.
Theres this guy who had been lost and walking in the desert for about 2 weeks. One hot day, he sees the home of a missionary. Tired and weak, he crawls up to the house and collapses on the doorstep. The missionary finds him and nurses him back to health. Feeling better, the man asks the missionary for directions to the nearest town. On his way out the backdoor, he sees this horse. He goes back into the house and asks the missionary, Could I borrow your horse and give it back when I reach the town?
The missionary says, Sure but there is a special thing about this horse. You have to say Thank God to make it go and Amen to make it stop.
Not paying much attetion, the man says, Sure, ok.
So he gets on the horse and says, Thank God and the horse starts walking. Then he says, Thank God, thank God, and the horse starts trotting. Feeling really brave, the man says, Thank God, thank God, thank God, thank God, thank God and the horse just takes off. Pretty soon he sees this cliff coming up and hes doing everything he can to make the horse stop.
Whoa, stop, hold on!!!!
Finally he remembers, Amen!!
The horse stops 4 inches from the cliff. Then the man leans back in the saddle and says, Thank God.
Ok class said the teacher of a 2nd grade class todays word is definately can anyone use it in a sentance Betty raised her hand the sky is definately blue Well said the teacher sometime it is black like in the night. Then Fred raised his hand the water is definately clear. Well said the teacher the water is some times green with alge. Then little Billy raised his hand do farts have lumps No! why do you ask? the teacher replied then I definately pooped in my pants.
The wife says: I want new curtains.
The wife means: Also carpeting, furniture, and wallpaper!
The wife says: I need wedding shoes.
The wife means: The other forty pairs are the wrong shade of white.
The wife says: Hang the picture there
The wife means: No, I mean hang it there!
The wife says: I heard a noise
The wife means: I noticed you were almost asleep.
The wife says: Do you love me?
The wife means: Im going to ask for something expensive.
The wife says: How much do you love me?
The wife means: I did something today youre not going to like.
The wife says: Ill be ready in a minute.
The wife means: Kick off your shoes and take an hour nap.
The wife says: Am I fat?
The wife means: Tell me Im beautiful.
The wife says: You have to learn to communicate.
The wife means: Just agree with me.