Old and New Jokes

If it looks too good to be true, it is too good to be true.

What did the [ethnic] do when his odometer read 99999?

He pulled over to the side of the road to watch it turn over

A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. Shed seen many books on the subject, and finally, after getting all the necessary items together, she made for the nearest frozen lake. After positioning her footstool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice.

Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed, THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!

Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice and began to cut yet another hole. Again, from the heavens, the voice bellowed, THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!

The blonde, now quite worried, moved way down to the opposite end of the ice, sat up her stool, and tried again to cut her hole. The voice came once more: THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!

She stopped, looked skyward, and said, Is that you, Lord?

The voice replied, No, Im the Ice-Rink Manager!

As most of you know, a blast of bitter cold has struck a large part of the U.S. during the past week. One sharp observer in Washington D.C. noticed that it was so cold that the lawyer/lobyists had their hands in their own pockets for a change!

Show up with a baby and claim he belongs to the newlyweds.

Cover yourself with glue to improve your chances of catching the bouquet.

Offer to show people pictures of the bride having sex with a dog.

Tell people that you knew the bride before the sex change operation.

Tell the bride that the only reason you can look at her is that you used to be a proctologist.

Instead of a standard gift, give the newlyweds a gift certificate for a drug rehab clinic.

As you move down the receiving line, spit on each person.

Ask the brides mother to give you a hand job.

Give the bride some Bianca, and tell her it kills the taste of sperm.

Propose a toast to the brides nose job.

Steal the cards from the wedding gifts so no one can tell who they came from.

Walk up to various guests and demand to see their invitations.

After the bride throws her garter, start people chanting, Throw your bra, throw your bra …

Tell everyone that the groom had to be given Quaaludes to keep him from backing out.

Tell the rabbi that theres no money to pay him, and ask if hell settle for stupping the bride.

Assure the brides mother that the groom is hung like a horse.

Return a bra which the bride left in your car.

If theres a hunchback at a Jewish wedding tell him that he has to wear one yarmukle on his head and another on his hump.

When the bride is coming down the aisle, push the organist out of the way and start playing, The Lady is a Tramp.

Instead of paying to dance with the bride in the Dollar Dance, ask her for a lap dance like she did last Friday.

A farmer is sitting in the neighborhood bar getting soused. A man comes in and asks him, Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day getting drunk?

Farmer: Some things you just cant explain. Man: So what happened thats so horrible?

Farmer: Well, today I was sitting by my cow milking her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her left leg and kicked over the bucket. Some things you just cant explain. Man: Ok, but thats not so bad.

Man: So what happened then? Farmer: I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left. Man: and then? Farmer: Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket. Some things you just cant explain.

Man: So, what did you do then? Farmer: I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the right. I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as I got the bucket about full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail. Some things you just cant explain.

Man: So, what did you do? Farmer: Well, I didnt have any more rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in… Some things you just cant explain.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Robert!
Robert who?
Roberts and burglars will rob you blind!

The 2000 Darwin awards!

(28 January 1999, London) A flock of sheep charged a well-meaning British farmers wife and pushed her over a cliff to her death. Betty Stobbs, 67, was charged by dozens of sheep as she brought them a bale of hay on the back of a power bike. The sheep rushed forward and rammed the vehicle, knocking Betty and her bike over the edge of a vacant 100 quarry near Durham, in northeastern England. I saw the sheep surround the bike. The next thing she was tumbling down the incline, neighbor Alan Renfry told reporters.

Oder Eaters.

What do you call three blondes at Christmas? Ho, ho, ho!